bizarreville

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control reports that Hairy Reed syndrome is quickly reaching pandemic levels.  All medical offices are on full alert.  Of particular concern is the number of advanced cases where the thatches of hair follicle growth in throats/sinuses blocks oxygen flow, ultimately starving the brain.

The wards are filling up with babbling basketcases who, sadly, are numb above the neck.  One afflicted patient was quoted saying “Glerf flerb gok gok gok kom blubb boodoo hoohoo shiff shoe kachungahunga gwax kax.”  No one seems to be able to translate the nonsensical blabber, but it is believed to be streaming obscenities.

Another patient just sat in a corner and hummed in a continuous monotone drone.  Several patients danced around the room swatting at bugs and flies, and eating little spiders.  Another was trying to write his memoir, but all that was coming out were imbecilic scribbles and doodles.  A pitiful sight.

“It’s sad to see what hairy reed has done to these fine folks.  That lady there, the one with the fake eyelashes, is a famous Hollywood actress.  But now, look at her…tsk, tsk…reduced to a blithering idiot.  That fellow there is a billionaire…yet all his billions could not prevent him from turning into a lame brain.  That chap there is a lawyer who wasn’t too smart to begin with, but now has deteriorated to full-vegetable status.  A vegetable, for crying out loud.”

The Center is continuing its efforts to develop a hairy reed vaccine or antidote, but has had limited success.  People with robust brain tissue seem to be able to resist infection, but those with softer brain tissue often succumb.  The Center hopes and prays they can stop hairy reed before it goes too far in turning all our gray matter into gray jello.

Bizarreville medical authorities report that Mr. Ernie Muxford is indeed the first confirmed case of hairy reed syndrome in Bizarreville.  “While this is a tragic development, particularly for the Muxford family, it is good that it was diagnosed early to prevent pandemic spreading.”

Hairy reed, as most know, is an acute condition where massive quantities of hair start growing out of literally every cavity of the body.  Normally, hair initially starts wildly growing out of the ears.  In no time, it prevents the victim from being able to hear correctly, particularly distorting the sound frequency range of the human voice.  Soon afterward, hair growth starts plugging the lower cavities, causing major backup of waste products.  This distorts the internal organs and begins poisoning the vital systems in its destructive trek through the body.

Finally, hairy reed does its most destructive damage.  The follicle spread reaches the nose, sinus, and throat which begins to cut-off oxygen supply to the brain.  The victim breathes harder and harder, but cannot pull in enough air to meet the brain’s need.  The victim gets foggy and starts losing judgment.  He may begin spouting-off angry raves of pure nonsense, and/or babbling meaningless drivel.  Often the rants will be directed at things he cares most about, but in his advanced diseased state, simply knows not what he says.  He may begin advocating destructive behavior.  It is very, very sad.

Rarely fatal, hairy reed normally does leave its victim with permanent brain damage.  There have been some rare cases of reversal, but this takes years, perhaps decades, of intense anti-reed therapy and thorough poison cleansing.

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control warns all citizens to be aware of the signs, and particularly warns those portions of the population most susceptible.  For some odd reason, college professors are quite susceptible…but, because of their environment, usually can do very little in terms of preventive measures.  Students are warned to avoid these disease carriers when scheduling their classes…and if spotting a hairy reed-infected professor, inform authorities immediately so he/she can be hauled-off, and properly quarantined.