bizarreville

Continuing coverage from the Health Care Summit between the President and a group of very smart 5th graders.  The next respondent for the class was Rudy Dinglewonk, who took on question two:

Q2.  How can we get insurance for the 30 million people who do not have health insurance?

Rudy:  Well, sir, why exactly don’t these people have insurance?  All the families I know on my block have insurance.  Jimmy Shmellboink had to go to the doctor last week when he sprained his ankle playing Curling on the ice.  His mom told my mom that they had insurance.  If all those millions of people want insurance, why don’t they just go get it?

President:  Well, Rudy, some people are poor and can’t afford to buy insurance.

Rudy:  Why can’t we help the poor people and give them insurance?

President:  We do that already with a program called Medicaid.  It’s a government-run program that helps poor people get health care.

Rudy:  So then if you have Medicaid, why don’t those people just use that?

President:  Well, some people make too much money to be on Medicaid.

Rudy:  If they make too much money, then why don’t they just go buy insurance?

President:  They say they can’t afford it, with all the other expenses and bills that they have to pay for.

Rudy:  Like what kind of expenses and bills?  Is it food, or is it other stuff?

President:  No, they can afford food and other basic necessities.  But with other expenses like cable TV bills, cigarettes, Wii machines, soccer uniforms, Nike Air Jordan shoes, dinners out at Chuck E. Cheese, birthday parties and such…puts a lot of strain on their budgets.  They say that they don’t have any extra money for health insurance.

Rudy:  Couldn’t you just give them some kind of Discount Coupon to help them, so they could go get insurance?

President:  Well, it’s complicated.  We could expand Medicaid, but unfortunately that’s a pretty inefficient, cumbersome, disorganized, bureaucratic nightmare program already.  Expanding it might make it even more screwed up.

Rudy:  Why don’t you just cancel it if it’s not that good…and go with something that is good?  I know.  I used to buy SuperSlump comics last year, but they started getting real boring, and now I buy AstroClod.  It’s a lot better, and pretty funny, too.

President:  Hey maybe we need an AstroClod makeover in our Medicaid program, Rudy.

Rudy:  I’d say go with something that works.  Don’t try to fix something that’s totally broken.  My little brother tried to fix his bike after it got run over by a pickup truck.  Man, that was a waste of effort.  He kept falling down and busting his head.  Dad finally bought him a new bike for Christmas and we threw that old piece of junk in the garbage can.

President:  Maybe your “Discount Coupon” idea could work.  I suppose we could just apply it to our existing Health insurance companies, and throw Medicaid in the garbage with your brother’s bike.  The insurance companies are not perfect, but you know, overall they work pretty well.

Rudy:  Yeah.  My bike’s not perfect, but I like it.  I wouldn’t want to throw it away.

President:  Let’s move on to question three…

(to be continued)

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

A new book has been released by Bizarreville Press authored by Senator Ben Nelson of Nebraska, describing his painstaking journey from a career as a prestigious politician to a cheap skanky prostitute.  It is a career shift that few, if any, have made…and certainly no one has done it quite like Ben.  It’s great reading for the whole family and a lesson to the youngsters out there:  anything is truly possible if you have the will, a will that can overcome stupid things like scruples.

Many people are shocked and amazed that he would make such a change.  Others are amazed that anyone would pay for his services…whatever services those might be.  The intriguing story points out that the lives of politicians and prostitutes are not that much different from each other…both entailing much back-scratching, butt-scratching, and sucking…lots of sucking.  “You get what you pay for” is a theme that threads its way through the book, suggesting a thick wallet is the key to achieving high aspirations and/or getting a good ride.

The author points out that people make choices, and some of those choices can be difficult.  He brings in his personal experience voting for the Health Care Plan as one of the toughest decisions he’s ever had to make in his life.  Nelson admits that he knew that the Plan was pure malarky, destined to literally destroy the world’s greatest health system.  Furthermore, he clearly understood that it would bankrupt the country’s financial system, already rocketing down the highway on a crash course.  He acknowledges that his constituents back in Nebraska overwhelmingly disapproved of the stupid Plan, and showered him with emails and phone calls, suggesting he might want to consider the bizarre concept of actually representing his people.  “But, man, when they brought in those exotic dancing girls who just kept pouring me great Champagne and tickling me with those feathery things…well, it made me realize we must live for today…just like the song…don’t worry about tomorrow.  It was one of those epiphany moments.”

The book concludes that sometimes Leaders must make tough decisions, ignoring their instincts, dismissing hard facts, pushing aside advice from trusted colleagues, and totally blowing-off the will of the people.  “That’s why they pay us the big bucks…as the old cliche goes.”

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Even the ones that sound like they could really be true.

Recruiting efforts are now in high-gear to staff up the newly commissioned Death Panels in Bizarreville.  As you know, these are the panels that will ultimately decide if grammaw gets that 3rd hip replacement in lieu of a nicely rehabbed wheelchair…or if grampaw should get that appendix removed today, or just wait in line and hope for the best.  The Death Panel program has been a popular concept, particularly among the younger people, as a means of reducing spiralling health care costs and frankly helping solve the impending Social Security ballooning problem.  Critics have called it harsh, but became less vocal when it became apparent that Leaders were taking names.

Interviewers say that they’re looking for a strong set of Defiant Uber-ssertive skills in candidates for the job.  “You cannot be a bleeding heart, bed-wetting baby who wants his pacifier.  We will be looking for people with proven track records of starting fights in bars, climbing over weak people for promotions, telling the boss to Shove It, frantically yelling at Town Hall meetings, telling panhandlers to Get a Job, honking at bike riders…you get the idea.  If it happens they’ve pulled the plug on a close relative in the past…well, that would certainly earn bonus points.  Candidates with previous Boy Scout or Girl Scout experience probably should not apply.  People who have formerly coached Little League or any other kids sport should only apply if they can show that they yelled at the kids and quit at mid-season out of sheer frustration.”

Interviews will begin today at 2pm at the Hospital Emergency room.  Warning to all would-be candidates…interviewers will be closely watching you as you enter the ER.  Don’t fall into the trap by having a sympathetic look on your face as you walk by the pathetic moaner doubled-up in pain, or the young child bleeding out his ears.  It’s a test.  Keep that “Whatever…” look, and you’ll be good to go.  Good luck to all.