bizarreville

Conservatives and Tea Partiers who just took over leadership positions in the new Bizarreville Congress have vowed to make Health Care repeal their #1 priority.  They have stated that it is a program that no one wants:  businesses don’t want it, citizens don’t want it, even lawmakers don’t really want it, as evidenced by the fact that they themselves would not want to be covered under the plan.  If no one really likes the friggin’ thing, why would there be any reluctance to eighty-six it and start over?

“Hold on a minute,” Elmer Shtook, chairman of the Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce replied.  “Many of the businesses we represent do NOT want to see it repealed.  These companies are barely scraping by now, struggling to compete with 3rd world global competitors.  They are hanging by their finger nails to survive.”  He went on to say that they are paying over 10 grand per employee to cover their damned health insurance.  These struggling companies see the new Health Care program as a way to bail out of this expensive ball & chain, and let the government pay the tab.

“Yes, but wouldn’t you be concerned about your employees’ attitudes when they learn that they are losing their Cadillac health care program, replaced with a Chrysler LeBaron government-run program?” asked one reporter.  “When they learn that they will be rationed a certain amount of health coverage, then be told to ‘get rest and drink plenty of fluids’, how will your people feel about that?”

“Hey, babe, that’s not our problem any more,” he replied.  “You gotta beef?  Call your congressman who sold you this hamburger pie.  No, we need to keep the Crap Care program as is, so that our businesses can compete with the 3rd worlders.  That means jobs…maybe lousy jobs…but jobs, nevertheless.  After all, jobs are jobs.”

Another spokesman representing the iron/steel industry agreed.  He went on to say that the Government Health Care program is a good first step, but there is so much more that needs to happen in terms of employee benefit reduction.  “Next step:  We need the government to disallow 401-K programs and totally scrap the silly concept of pension programs.  The combination of no Health care cost plus no retirement pension cost would cut costs at Bizarreville Iron Head & Screws Corporation by 15 percent, maybe more.  Hey, if they would just legislate the eliminations of paid vacation, overtime premium, and Secretary’s Day, I would give them all a great big kiss.”

The ghost of Joe McCarthy came down (or up…he wouldn’t say) to assess the current situation on communist infiltration into our society.  He was then instructed to compile a full report for the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.  Tom had heard disturbing news coming from some of the recent liberal dead guys who seemed overly exuberent… even in the afterlife.  Seems they were feeling some sort of redemption from a lifelong struggle to bring the share-the-wealth, handouts for everyone, no-deadbeat-left-behind mantra into being.  They were thinking they found the path to eternal righteousness.  Unfortunately for them, Tom had to tell them they were dead wrong.  He then commissioned McCarthy to check things out.

McCarthy was able to sneak into the secret Democratic Obamacare meetings where they were busy carving out special deals to buy votes.  He reminisced that these were so much like the heady old days in 1940’s and 50’s Chicago where modern sleazy dealmaking was invented.  But he was flabbergasted that the Cornhusker Kickback was such an unabashed public pants-dropping.  “In the old days, we had to keep our skanky deals under the covers in the red light district, politically speaking, of course.  These guys don’t care who sees their soiled shorts.”

Joe started taking note of names who appeared certain to be communists at high levels in the country.  Interviewing one uber-liberal congressman, he was amazed to hear him assertively say, “No way am I a communist!!  No way.  That’s a mean-spirited ploy by the giant right wing conspiracy to mischaracterize me, my family, and my constituents.  It’s just not right.”  When McCarthy asked whether he believed in government health care, government control of oil companies and banks, restrictions on conservative talk radio, and sharing wealth by taxing the hell out of anyone earning a salary, his answer was, “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes to all of the above.”  When McCarthy suggested his political philosophies seem to line up more with Marx, Putin, or Mao, the congressman said, “You’re a communist.  You are.”

Joe chatted with 50 people on New York city steets, and 49 seemed to basically agree with the congressman.  The 50th guy was a wino who agreed with everything he said, then asked for a buck so he could wet his whistle before answering any more questions.

McCarthy had to report back to Tom that things have headed south since Reagan left office.  He asked Tom if he could come back down in life-form, recommission the House Un-American Activities committee, and bust a few chops of these softies.  But Tom said not right now.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

Several states in the Midwest and South hurriedly passed new laws prohibiting citizens from using the new “N” word in public.  It is hoped that tougher enforcement will control the outbreaks in violence that have occurred since the Obamacare bill was passed, and the emergence of this new derogatory term.

The first reported incident happened in a cozy little bar in a small Indiana town, when one slightly inebriated tea partier called a middle-of-the-road independent “Nancy” in front of all the bar patrons.  Before you knew it, there were “Nancy” calls being shouted throughout the bar, leading to fistfights, broken bar stools, and many pints of spilled beer.  No apologies were given.

The story made national news, as an example of the pent-up frustration and anger stemming from the hyper-partisanship over the Health Care debate, and the raging disappointment over the performance of the nincompoops in Washington.  But others around the country soon jumped on the bandwagon, and Nancy cat-call incidents started popping up here, there, and everywhere.

Most leaders seemed to understand that there was frustration.  But using the Nancy-word took it to a new level…using a term that has come to mean an unscrupulous lying incompetent commie bozo…ouch.  Chiefs of police around the country have said that there is no way that they will allow this kind of pinko epithet to go unchallenged in today’s politically correct world….and will be invoking a no-tolerance policy on the name callers with harsh consequences.

Curiously, liberals have recently called other liberals “Nancy” supposedly as a term of endearment.  However, when overheard by anyone right of Mao, snickers and chuckles have ensued…as they made fun of the naive guy who just got slammed by his buddy.

Police say that the crackdown on Nancy-catcallers has begun, and is being applied whether used as endearment or used as a mega-insult.  “We can’t take chances,” said one chief.  “We will assume anyone using the term is being derogatory with it.”

Girls named Nancy have complained that no one will be able to call them now, without fear of punishment and possible jail time.  Officials say that they understand the predicament, but have advised them to change their names to Mona.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but most of you figured that out already.

Many of the obscure cable networks are licking their chops at what could be a major, major ratings opportunity for them tonight.  Programming chiefs are scurring to rearrange schedules and poring through their archives to find and offer their best programming material for this once-in-a-blue-moon special night.

The excitement began to brew when recent polls were released showing that a record number of people would NOT be watching the President’s State of the Union diatribe tonight.  Viewership could reach the lowest level since the Eisenhower administration.  Citizens who participated in Focus Group interviews showed frustration bordering on exasperation with the government’s ineptitude when it comes to listening to the voices of people on the major issues of the day:  jobs, economy, jobs, health care, and jobs.  Respondents said, “If these candy-asses won’t listen to us, then we won’t listen to them.  Bring on the Animal Planet’s Greatest Hits.  Bring on Paula Dean to give us a primer on the use of butter.  Bring on that thrill-packed basketball match between WhoCares College and Bum F*$#!  University.”

With all the major networks and many news-oriented cable networks committed to covering the boring State of the Union speech, the even boring-er Republican response, and the epitome of boring Talking Head analysis of what was just said, tens of millions of TV watchers will be power-pushing the remote button to find something, anything that would have just a modicum of interest.

Many obscure cable networks have sent emergency emails to their advertisers informing them that ad rates will be going up by 50% or more during this 2-hour time slot…almost like their version of SuperBowl Sunday.  Not surprisingly, the networks have said they have gotten very little pushback on this hike.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.