November 25th, 2009
Discount chain is set to enter primary health care business
B-Mart, Bizarreville’s largest discount chain, unveiled a new exciting strategy yesterday – its plans for entry into the primary medical care business. Company spokesmen indicated it fits extremely well with the new government health care program, which will be seeking high-volume, quickie-care providers to displace the soon-to-be-obsolete model of slower deliberate medical care.
B-Mart is particularly well-suited to this new model of care. The company built its enormous business on providing cheap consumer crap to the masses. “This is exactly what the new health system will be wanting…especially when demand skyrockets as whiney hordes want their noses wiped, just as more and more “conventional” doctors bolt and retire. Someone needs to fill the void, and it might as well be us.”
B-Mart plans to displace their underperforming Auto Parts department with this new, fast-growth department. “Who buys their own oil filters anymore? Go to Jiffy Lube.”
B-Mart’s creative engineering team has come up with an innovative moving sidewalk approach to maximize patient throughput. The people mover will be similar to what one might see at some airports today. Patients will jump on board, and travel from station to station:
– Patient will swipe their credit card at the start, and punch the ailment button from a menu choice
– At the first station, vitals will be checked by an octogenarian quasi-nurse, just promoted from the Greeter job, and given an official looking nurse hat.
– Next station: urine test station, which may get a little tricky and will require some degree of coordination and dexterity to prevent making a disgusting mess.
– Pass through a combination x-ray/CAT scan machine for a quick flash. The pictures are never developed nor used, but it gives the patient the confidence that something real is happening.
– A real doctor (not necessarily the brightest bulb in the fixture, but one who does have a bonefide shingle) will do what real doctors do: look down your throat and ears, ask you to cough, thump a few things, then write down a lot of blurbage on a record of some sort. If time permits, the doc may ask you what specifically your problem is, but this information is not critical to the overall process.
– An automated shot dispenser gives you one in the hiney of some predetermined concoction of goop. Meanwhile an automatic printer spits out a fresh prescription for you to take over to the Rx counter.
B-Mart thinks they will revolutionize meatball health care just like they revolutionized mass junk retail. They are thinking an introductory price would be $9.95 per visit…and that cost may even be picked up by the government in the Public Option. Clearly, innovation is back in full swing at B-Mart and they are ready for the next wave of mass customers.
