bizarreville

S:  …No sir, we can’t say that.  That would be an outright, obnoxious lie.  Even our best spinmasters could not make that seem like it has a shred of truth.  No sir, a lie.

O:  So, what’s your point?

S:  Point is…it wouldn’t be the truth.  Wouldn’t be right.

O:  Son, how long have you been in politics as an operative?  Two years?  Three years?  Did they forget to teach you The Art of Lying by A.Chin in school?  It’s politics, for heaven sake.  No one expects to hear the truth.  Now let’s talk about our Energy Independence program.  What’s our official line?  We’re drilling as much as we can drill.  Every drill bit in the hemisphere is running in an oil well operating at full capacity.  We need more electric cars.  And soon.

S:  But sir, electric cars consume energy, too.  Power points burn fossil fuel to make the electricity to power those cars.  And the conversion from fossil fuel to electric power, then to mechanical energy to power the vehicles is not all that efficient when all is said and done.  Sir, the use of gasoline in highly efficient engines is probably the most efficient energy conversion technology, in actuality.

O:  Who is this guy?  Nicola Tesla?  Jacob, where did you find this bird brain?

J:  He’s one of our brightest new hires.  Got his engineering degree from MIT when he was 14, then MBA from Harvard a year later.  Picked up an honorary doctorate from University of Phoenix…well, never mind that last item…still pretty smart young man…

S:  Sir, I think the public is ready for the truth.  This kind of shabby BS has fueled the birth of the Tea Party movement, and is stirring the cauldron for other factions to develop soon.

O:  Cauldron?  Who uses the word “cauldron” in normal speech?  Are you going to start throwing thee, thy, wilst, and fortnight on me?  Are you going to start playing one of those weird ancient little harp-like gizmos…what do they call those weird things?

S:  Lyre.

O:  What??  Are you calling me a liar?  Jacob, is this guy calling me a liar?  Is that the kind of respect you show the President?  Is it?

S: Sir, you just lectured me on the Art of Lying.  Now you’re offended by the term liar?  What kind of hypocrisy is that?  Wait a minute…I wasn’t even talking about a liar.  I was talking about a lyre.

O:  Are you calling me a hypocrite AND a liar?  Leon, would you step out and get the Secret Service guys in here?  This young man needs to spend a little time in the hoosegow.  Por favor, muchacho?

S:  Sir, if you would just give me a minute to explain…

O:  Leon, are you still here?  Are words coming out of my mouth?  Do I need to send you a text message to get you off your dead rump?  Andalay, andalay!

S:  Is this some new Hispanic initiative you’re working on now?  The Florida vote…is that what this is all about?  You know, my family came from Mexico and settled in south Florida.  I’ve got some ideas on how…

O:  Hold the phone, Leon.  Stop the music.  Maybe I was a bit too rash with my good friend here.  Let’s all take five, and cool our jets.  Can I offer you a margarita…what’s your name again?

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones authored by flies on the wall

Bizarreville leaders, after so many years of looking like idiots by leaking out key military information to the enemy, have this time molded a new, intriguing approach to blabbermouthia.  Rather than giving Afghan Talibans a heads-up on upcoming plans, they decided to take the opposite tack and just blab about when they plan to punt…in about 16 to 18 months. 

Spy reports say Taliban leaders in cave headquarters were totally befuddled by this announcement.  They said they normally figure Bizarreville leaders are a bunch of scheming perpetual liars…so they don’t know how exactly to reinterpret this potential lie.

Meanwhile, back in Bizarreville, the Leader’s supporters were upset at his policy redirection vs. campaign promises, and called him a liar.  But simultaneously, his opponents in the world of punditry pointed out his failure to fully support the troops, his ambiguous mumbo-jumbo, and called him a liar.  Even people sleeping on the couch who were tired of watching him on prime time TV, couldn’t think of anything else to call him, so called him a liar.

So the Taliban, seeing all these mixed messages, was not sure who to disbelieve.  After seeing supporters call him a liar, they figured that he might indeed be lying…or it might be a trick.  But then after seeing opponents and couch potatoes calling him a liar, they figured he was probably telling the truth.  Or it could all be a double-lie, or triple-lie…must be a lie of some sort, but a lie about what?

An smiling anonymous administration insider said: “A lie is as good as the truth, if you can get someone to believe it.”  He then hopped in his limo, joining an anonymous female in the back seat.

Yesterday, during the mayor’s speech on the new Health Care program, there was wild cheering and booing in the crowd.  The mayor would talk about so-called Death panels for old codgers, and the young people would cheer.  He would mention free, assembly-line vasectomies, and the ladies would cheer.  He’d mention that there would be a public option, that it would only be an “option” so you could keep your current health plan, and there would be much booing among those with at least 2 licks of common sense.

But the mayor knew there was much concern about the cost of the program among the non-lobotomized fringe.  This fringe element worried that a major expansion of who gets covered and associated bureaucracy would bust the budget big time.

The mayor wanted to hit this issue head-on.  So, he stated unequivocally that, despite rumors to the contrary, there is no truth to the rumor that the program will include coverage for your pets…no cats, no dogs, certainly no hampsters or cockatoos.  No colonoscopies for your shitzus, no liver transplants for your schnauzers, no waiting in line in the ER behind a cat having a hairball incident.

But Joe Average, fuming in frustration from the mayor’s blathering, finally blurted out:  “You’re Lying!  The bill does offer coverage for pets.  I’ve read the darn thing.  There’s even funding for little bitty CAT-scan machines, new miniature gurneys, and scooper sterilization equipment.”

The mayor was a bit flummoxed, and looked puzzlingly at his aides with that “What the F@!*!” look.  Aides shrugged their shoulders, but deep inside, knew they had been caught trying to sneak one in.

Joe later apologized to the mayor for calling him a dirty rotten unscrupulous liar.  The mayor said:  “That’s all right.  Don’t worry, son, I’ve been called a liar by far better people than you.  Besides…how long have you been around involved in the political world?  You certainly must know that it is a defacto part of my job description to lie about stuff.  C’mon, don’t be so naive.  People are gonna start laughing at you behind your back if you keep showing off your greenness.  Brown-up, man.”

Joe was hounded by news reporters asking what made him decided to de-pants the mayor in public.  He thought about relaying the mayor’s job description comment, but decided to stick with the issue of how we can’t afford pet health care:  “I don’t know about you, but I sure as hell don’t want to subsidize old Rover’s erectile dysfunction meds with my hard-earned tax dollars.”