bizarreville

After the near 3-ring circus performance of the Presidential debate combatants, the Official Debate Commission is burning the midnight oil to determine how to restructure the format and ground rules to make the sessions moderately watchable.  Some citizens who sat in the studio audience of the recent debate suggested that the organizers start selling peanuts and marshmallows to audience spectators of this zoo, so they could toss them at the barking penguins on stage.  Penguin lovers objected to that characterization.

The debate modulators have been criticized for being totally inept nincompoops, applying second-grade level facilitation performance in stumbling their way through the hour and a half.  But both have responded that, in their defense, the 2 participants were not listening, were not behaving, were not showing a modicon of respect.  The modulators admitted, however, that they had forgotten that these guys were professional politicians, genetically unable to listen, behave, or show respect…and probably could not even read a clock, to boot.

Improvement suggestions for the last debate have included putting up red flags, trap doors, or electro-shocks to stop the mad debaters from running over their prescribed time limits.  One person suggested just shutting off their microphones in mid-blabbermouth when the clock read 0:00, and let them just mime the rest.  But both teams have objected to anything that quashes the ability for the candidate to finish making his lumbering freight train of thought.  One spokesman likened it to stopping a certain bodily function before full completion, an analogy which seemed to turn the stomachs of all reporters in ear range.

Another concern is the need to address the spews of obnoxious lies each candidate has told on each other.  TV networks had tried using a reporter to detect lies and point out real facts, but it turned out that these people were lying too.  Competing networks then tried to fact-check the reporters’ lies, but it turned out they were lying just as badly.  One Nobel prize winning journalist finally suggested that voters should just forget about truth, facts, policy concepts, or promises, and just focus on the quality of their neckties to decide how to vote in the election.   “You can’t lie about tie quality,” he said.  “It is what it is.  All the spinning in the world cannot cover up an ugly tie.”

A growing fear is the chance that there could be physical interaction between contestants as they heat up.  The idea of installing a plexiglas wall between them had been considered, but was rejected as being a bit un-cool.  A final idea, initially rejected by both camps but later grudgingly accepted, was to have a 3rd grade teacher sit down with them one hour before the match, and teach/scold them on behaving themselves.  Mrs. Farkright of Belfwood Elementary agreed to do it, and promised to have a yardstick handy in case it was needed.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, or so they say…

In recent weeks, several CEO’s of some of Bizarreville’s largest companies have been doing some serious spinning.  They have been impressed with Obama’s ability to take ostensibly horrendous actual results, and somehow spin them into positive-sounding messages to make himself look good.  More importantly, people are buying it all.  Some citizens have given him a total pass on leading the economy into the abyss with no plans to turn it around, and CEO’s are now taking interest in this magic act.  Faced with troubles of their own, the Chief Executive Officers have begun borrowing from the Obama playbook.

For instance, last week, Bill Smerk, CEO of Farknoodle Inc, reported to his company’s Board that the 4 years of earnings loss and cashflow drain with no plans/strategies to improve were the result of his predecessor’s screw-ups.  He said that he has been working hard to dig out of the mess, but had a long way to go.  When asked what major actions he was planning to do to stop the hemmoraging, he replied that his team was busy working on it, but had no good ideas yet.  Smerk said he could turn it around in 4 years, maybe less.

J. Milford Moon, CEO of Dungledoid Computers, reported to Industry analysts yesterday that the reason his company’s balance sheet went from stable to out-of-control was their decision to expand cafeterias in all of their plants and offices in order to provide employees with a good, hot meal.  He explained that many employees had spouses who also worked and were too tired to cook when they got home.  Dungledoid ran up $300 million in new debt, but was able to snare 3 contestants from the Top Chef TV show to join their team.

Benton Silva, CEO of Junkster Corp, in an interview on Shmork Factor, said that the huge losses in the last 12 quarters were certainly bad, but they could have been a lot worse.  Shmork asked him how they could possibly be worse than the average $1 billion per quarter of red ink which put Junkster on the brink of bankruptcy?  Silva said that he had formed a committee to investigate that very question, and they concluded that, yes, it could have been worse…but honestly, it could have been a whole lot better.  Retired ex-CEO William Junkster agreed, saying that it could have been worse…or better…or the same.

Dermot Skunkfit, the CEO of Skunkfit Apparel, decided to play golf when his firm was going through a liquidity crisis recently.  He told club friends that the pressure was too much, and he needed a break so that he could come back to work fully recharged.  Sources say that he lost a $1 Nassau during the match, which really aggravated him.

CEO Lamar Lunchberger said in a recent business magazine interview that his Quacko Company eventually plans to try and rehire their 8400 laid-off employees.  He explained that business conditions have been bad everywhere, but will eventually recover.  He said that they may need more people at Quacko at some point, but it may be a while.  Meanwhile, Quacko has allegedly hired 8400 contract temporary workers to fill the gap…many of whom are believed to be illegal aliens, according to unconfirmed sources.

The CEO’s have shown that they can be every bit as nimble as Mr. Obama when it comes to negative message spinning.  To hedge their bets, however, each CEO admitted confidentially that he had recently updated his resume.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones you think must be true.

Romney, the newly crowned king of Pious Baloney, has continued to merchandise this new brand of fresh vocal lunchmeat.  In various recent campaign appearances, he has shaved off several slices, and delivered it on a soggy hoagy bun to waiting media reporters…who promptly snarfed it down like it was guacamole at a Super Bowl party.  Here are some exerpts:

-Romney compared running the Bain Vulture Capital firm was no different than the President baling out the auto industry.  Chainsaw Mitt vaporized dozens of companies, shuttered scores of factories, and fired thousands of people so that his venture investors did not go broke and lose their jobs.  He admitted that there had to be some pain, while he was shutting down companies in order to save them, likening it to the President letting GM go bankrupt and eliminating all value in shareholders’ 401K programs, so it could be taken over by the federal government and get the company properly refocused on electric car production.  He also referenced that he was no different than the Richard Gere guy in the Pretty Woman movie, and that people kept coming out to watch the movie regardless.  Romney did say that he would not have allowed the Hostess Baking Company to go bankrupt, but that was mostly because he likes Twinkies.

-He insisted that the reason he enacted RomneyCare and other liberal policies while governor was because that is what the state’s citizens wanted.  He said that he truly had to go to the restroom almost every day and empty his stomach, as he reluctantly signed the whacko bills into law.  It was tough, and required buying caseloads of Maalox and various suppositories…but sometimes, he said, you have to be stupid in order to be smart.  He got a rousing round of applause from backers on that last line.

-He indicated that he stood ready to eliminate the bitter divisiveness in politics…one day after pounding Gingrich with an enormous truth-barren ad campaign to destroy his hopes.  It was reported that 96% of his PAC’s funding was earmarked to draw and quarter Gingrich.  But Romney claimed that he did not know anything about the butcher-job, because he was too busy reading the F section of the dictionary.  He then spouted several 5 syllable F words to prove his point.

-Romney claimed that his suit is not empty, not even close to being empty.  When asked why he thought he put audience listeners to sleep with his dispassionate droning on almost every subject, he responded that it was probably because Gingrich and other opponents caused them to lose sleep with their lines of utter nonsense and unworkable policies of change.  He promised to enact tax breaks for the purchase of 5-hour energy juice as part of his Economic plan, and distribute the jolt drinks free to the homeless and jobless.

-When asked about his history of losing elections, he responded that deep down inside he really wanted to lose those elections.  He said he enjoyed the campaigns, but really did not look forward to the prospect of actually doing such a boring job and working with such legendary numbskulls.  He chuckled and said he was only kidding, and then winked.

-Romney was asked about the secrets to his success in the debates.  He responded that partly it was because he could deliver political rhetoric as fast as a professional speed-talker who just slammed down a Venti at Starbucks.  He claimed that he has golden cliches in his hip pocket that he hasn’t even used yet, saving them for the general election campaign.  He reminded all that his father was the president of American Motors, and had to sell freaking Ramblers to the public…so he comes from a genetic line of proven silver tongue specialists.

-He was finally asked how come he was, in his words, so successful in a wide variety of leadership positions, in such totally different lines of work that seemingly would each require high levels of expertise.  He responded that, confidentially, he never developed a lick of expertise in any of those business/government entities, but was able to hire good people to cover for him.  He said that’s what leadership is all about…hiring good people, setting lofty goals, developing execution plans, that sort of thing.  One snide reporter added, “then conveniently baling out at the right moment so you couldn’t be held accountable for pathetic results.”  Romney smiled at the comment, then turned and whispered something to a top aide.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even ones that have a ring of truth.

“Romney is our guy,” emphatically stated one of the senior members of the 2012 Bizarreville Republican Election Central Committee, who preferred to remain anonymous.  He stated that it was important that the caucus/primary process continue as planned as a show of good faith, but the Committee had already decided the outcome.  Cash, ground forces, and other means of gentle persuasion would naturally be used, he said, to ensure the predicted result happens.

The committeeman was asked what qualities Romney brought to the table that made him their top guy…was it his record of distinct leadership as a state governor in adjusting his personal belief system to adapt to his liberal constituency, his success as a small businessman as a management consultant who acquired and split up businesses, his deft leadership over the bureaucratic nightmare of an Olympics, his never having experienced a hangover, his middle-of-the-road core principles allowing him to feel strongly on both sides of any argument?

“No, frankly he just knows how to pound sand better than the others.  Romney has time and time again proven he can respond to adversity, and use the proper amount of sand pounding in the right crevices to disable his opponents.  Look at how he was able to neuter all his Republican adversaries…and do it without being spotted as the culprit.  Each time one guy popped ahead a little bit in the polls, some information about the candidate mysteriously turned up.  Then he and his ground troops saturated the media systems with the news, twisting and embellishing it at each step…and doing it surreptitiously so no one knew he was doing it.  It was magic. This is the kind of stuff that Nixon and his kooky henchmen would be proud of…probably give them some sort of Presidential medal and a free hot lunch at the White House.”

The committeeman was asked if he had any proof that Romney was behind all this chicanery.  “What chicanery?  This is politics, Home Boy.  If you’re too undersized to play, go find another sandbox.  This is the big leagues.”

There is still a long road ahead before this result becomes official.  But clearly this breaking news is a key salvo that may convince some of the candidates to avoid squandering their life savings on a hopeless quest…but then again, what are savings for if they can’t be squandered on hopeless quests now and then?

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so darn real.

A new candidate has thrown his hat in the ring for the Republican nomination.  His name is Bill Shmunk, a retired individual whose career spanned small business management, teaching, local political office, and janitorial work.  He certainly is a jack of some trades, not quite all trades, but some.

Shmunk claims that he is the most conservative candidate in the race, perhaps the only true conservative.  The others, he claims, are conservative paupers compared to him.  Shmunk has bold ideas to solve the nation’s problems:  fiscal problems, national security, border problems, and various social problems…line them up, Bill has a solution.  He has developed a 10-point Contract with Bizarreville that is sure to turn the race on its ear:

1. Stop calling handouts “entitlements”.  No one is entitled to anything.  Start calling them Sponge Payments.  Give Spongers pictures of real taxpayers when they pick up their checks and freebees, so they know who they’re sponging off of.

2. Allow food stamps to only be used for purchases of spam, chicken salad, lima beans, bran flakes, and day-old bread.  Allow food stamp patrons to fill up water jugs at the spigot outside the supermarket door.

3. Adopt a national defense philosophy of “Speak Loudly, but carry a small stick”.  Talk harshly about plans to obliterate enemies, but cut most military spending to the bone to save money.  Scare off rogue nations with empty, but very graphic, threats.  Give soldiers lots of medals to keep spirits high, but reduce funding for free plane rides.

4. Institute a special Hollywood star and Media superstar income tax surcharge of 20 percent.  These are people who constantly advocate higher taxes, so they should be permitted to pay them.

5. Force all Mexican illegal aliens to eat plain American food.  No hot sauce or jalapenos added.  Require id checks before any guacamole can be purchased.

6. Immediately terminate 50% of all government workers.  Tell you what, make it 70% of the highly paid staffers.  Call it a RIF, brought to you by Chainsaw Bill.  Figure out how to do the nation’s nonsensical bureaucracy with fewer people.

7. Require all CEO’s of companies getting bailouts to immediately report to their closest elementary school, and write on the blackboard 1000 times, “I promise I will never ask for a taxpayer bailout again.”

8. Do not permit discrimination, with the exception of people who own cats.  Allow blatant discrimination and profiling of cat lovers, including having them drink from separate water fountains.

9. Stop all efforts to nationalize health care, a concept which entails long lines at the doctor’s office, long waits in waiting rooms, rude receptionists who can never get you in for an appointment, mediocre patient care with quick focus on writing a prescription and getting you out the door, confusing claim filing and bill paying, snotty attitudes…wait a minute, that’s what we’ve got now!

10. Adjustable term limits for congress people, based on how well they score on the knucklehead-o-meter.  Each legislator would get 1 knucklehead point for every idiotic thing he/she says or does while in office.  A score of 3 or less would allow running for 1 more term.  A score of 7 or more would require immediate impeachment.

Shmunk believes he has the message that will resonate with the conservative masses, and right-of-centers.  He feels that his bold, creative programs, while somewhat controversial, are needed to get the nation on the right course.  He feels he can win, because the other guys are too blase`.

When asked about the liklihood of alienating the nation’s cat lovers with his tongue-in-cheek discrimination program, he responded, “What tongue-in-cheek?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even some of the candidates.