March 12th, 2010
Stimulus bucks finally trickling into Bizarreville
Bizarreville officials proudly announced today that, after much toil and tribulation, they were able to secure some of the dribblings from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act. Bizarreville had received a small dose of funds last year, mostly used to upgrade the Port-a-pottys at Shlumplers Park… along with a training program for citizens on how to properly use them. When asked what in the world does this have to do with improving the economy, officials said that it puts the money being paid for pay toilet usage back in the hands of ordinary citizens. As a side benefit, it will also keep the homeless from pissing in the alleys, thus improving the environment, hygiene, and general smell of the downtown area.
But now, new funding has made it through the bureaucratic maze of government, and passed muster of the allocation wizards and earmark distributors. The first project will be to refurbish the disgusting ghetto homes on the south side. These homes are only 2 years old, but have been completely trashed and turned into crap by the inhabitants. The refurbishing, this time, will utilize much sturdier materials that will extend the life between trashings, and/or make it much more difficult for the trashees to do their demolition.
Some money will be used to spray Ortho-crud in the weed-infested front yards of these decrepid homes, as well as splash some grass seeds around. Money will be saved versus original estimates after it was discovered that the yards have ample pre-existing fertilizer.
A second project will provide 50 audible pedestrian crosswalk countdowns, aimed at people who have trouble understanding the “Don’t Walk” concept. Some extra funding was approved to commission George Clooney to do the countdown voiceover, and issue curt instructions for the disobedient when detected by heat-sensing equipment (also paid for with Stimulus funds). Most officials expect that pedestrians will ignore these audio reminders just like they ignore the regular signals, but overwhelmingly love the novelty element of it all. “Hey, it’s not our money, anyway….it’s Stimulus money,” spouted an unnamed official.
