bizarreville

The Earmarks Rehab Clinic administrators have announced that the clinic is now officially open for business.  But, they warn that the reservation spots are filling quickly, so are encouraging lawmakers to register as soon as possible, before the Waiting Line begins.

As most know, Earmark Passage was recentlydetermined to be a dangerous addiction by the Center for Disease Control and Nitwit Behavior Mitigation.  The addiction appears to mostly affect lawmakers who possess particularly soft brain tissue, many of whom flunked arithmetic in elementary school, and others who were bullied as children.  One addict, who agreed to be intereviewed, claimed that his Earmark habit developed in the 3rd grade, when he used to squander his lunch money to buy marbles for a special boyfriend.  The habit grew stronger in high school as he cashed-in his gift savings bonds and bought an enormous collection of pet rocks.  In college, he pissed away his tuition and ended up flunking out by not attending any morning classes.  Sad, sad story of the inability to break-out of the cycle of wasting then squandering, and squandering then wasting that has affected so many of these people who, by the way, object to being called “bird brains”.

Happily, help is on the way.  The Earmark Rehab Clinic employs a 9-step program to thoroughly cleanse them of their earmark addiction.  “It starts with a physical cleansing,” the Chief Nurse explained.  “We use enemas, lots and lots of enemas, dozens each day to clear the fecal backup that is inevitably part of the problem.  We also do a nostril enema to clear that backup.  We flush all the nasty stuff out, and that seems to relieve the pressure on their noggens somehow.”

The Head physician then went on to explain the next steps, which he half-kiddingly referred to as “mental enemas”.  The clinic uses a series of mental tests, psychological counseling, ouiga boards, and hypnosis to work on the addict’s behaviors.  The hypnosis is particularly interesting, as the staff turns the patients into a squawking flock of birds, or a raging pack of donkeys.  “The donkey bit might not change their behavior much, but it’s certainly entertaining to the staff around here.  What a riot when they all start hee-hawing in harmony!”

The head of administration said that their January schedule is now full, but there are a few openings still left in February.  They explained that no lame duck lawmakers will be allowed to register until all the re-elected addicts have gotten their chances for earmark rehabilitation.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were real.

Bizarreville Health officials are seriously worried over the recent epidemic of total deafness among liberal senators.  They have called for an immediate confab of Ear, Nose, and Throat specialists nationwide to diagnose the source of the problem and develop a solution path, before the ailment spreads outside this group. 

The outbreak appears to have happened as the senators voted to pass the so-called “Tax Cut extension” bill.  The 2000 page bill, erroneously sold to the public as a tax cutting measure, actually contains 6000 spending earmarks, costing billions.  The earmarks include such lame-brainness as a peanut research program, mosquito trapping research, and a swine waste management study.  It was not clear if the “swine” referred to pigs or senators…or whether there was really any significant difference in the makeup of their waste products anyway.

A senior senator on the Appropriations committee was asked by reporters whether he had listened to the voice of citizens during the last election who demanded spending cuts and fiscal responsibility.  “Huh?” the senator responded.  He was then asked if he had heard the cries by voters to get the dang Federal budget deficit under control and eliminate the irresponsible Earmark program.  He answered, “What was that??  Are you talking to me?”  Another reporter asked whether he had any clue about how to balance any sort of freaking budget, or whether he and his colleagues were simply too inept to do basic math.  The senator replied, “I see your lips moving.  Are you a mime or something?  Man, it sure got quiet in here.”

An opposing party official was asked why this deafness ailment just seemed to affect the Liberals, and not the Conservatives.  He replied that he did not know what exactly they did in their caucuses, did not want to know, and was uncertain what nasty little bug was gnawing inside their auditory canals…or, for that matter, how the bugs got there in the first place.  He also expressed relief that he was not one of those ENT doctors who would have to mine through the earwax of those senators, nor peer into their heads full of jell-o.

Health officials noted that this ailment has happened before.  “Affected legislators normally do not have any long-term ill effects,” one official commented, “and seem to gain full recovery once they are swiftly booted out of office and go home.  Bed rest is really what they need, months of bed rest.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Bizarreville officials proudly announced today that, after much toil and tribulation, they were able to secure some of the dribblings from the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act.  Bizarreville had received a small dose of funds last year, mostly used to upgrade the Port-a-pottys at Shlumplers Park… along with a training program for citizens on how to properly use them.  When asked what in the world does this have to do with improving the economy, officials said that it puts the money being paid for pay toilet usage back in the hands of ordinary citizens.  As a side benefit, it will also keep the homeless from pissing in the alleys, thus improving the environment, hygiene, and general smell of the downtown area.

But now, new funding has made it through the bureaucratic maze of government, and passed muster of the allocation wizards and earmark distributors.  The first project will be to refurbish the disgusting ghetto homes on the south side.  These homes are only 2 years old, but have been completely trashed and turned into crap by the inhabitants.  The refurbishing, this time, will utilize much sturdier materials that will extend the life between trashings, and/or make it much more difficult for the trashees to do their demolition.

Some money will be used to spray Ortho-crud in the weed-infested front yards of these decrepid homes, as well as splash some grass seeds around.  Money will be saved versus original estimates after it was discovered that the yards have ample pre-existing fertilizer.

A second project will provide 50 audible pedestrian crosswalk countdowns, aimed at people who have trouble understanding the “Don’t Walk” concept.  Some extra funding was approved to commission George Clooney to do the countdown voiceover, and issue curt instructions for the disobedient when detected by heat-sensing equipment (also paid for with Stimulus funds).  Most officials expect that pedestrians will ignore these audio reminders just like they ignore the regular signals, but overwhelmingly love the novelty element of it all.  “Hey, it’s not our money, anyway….it’s Stimulus money,” spouted an unnamed official.

Yes, Friends…welcome to the Amazing Race to November, where the Bizarreville Congress will be challenged to ascertain how much worthless left-wing nutcase spending they can possibly do in just over 10 months.  The contestants know they’re getting swiftly booted out of their jobs in November, so by golly, they’ve got to work fast, damn fast, to get it done while there’s still no one who can effectively hold them accountable or slow their pace.

Remember, in the Amazing Race to November game, contestants get extra “style” point for ramming-through projects that are especially laughable in the eyes of our judges.  Research projects into the behaviors of stupid friggin’ animals, construction projects with no tangible benefits whatsoever, and anything that has the words “space” and “laboratory” in it are always solid qualifiers.  But judges will be looking for new deeper levels of creativity, not only in the project synopsis itself, but also in the ridiculousness of the supporting rationale.  Contestants are all reminded that they must make the judges laugh, real belly-rollers are certain to garner these bonus points.

Congress people are currently very busy with their bloated staffs trying to scrape up wasteage ideas, pulling records/notes that go back 30-40 years for shot-down projects and lame-brain funding requests that now have this once-in-a-lifetime shot at slipping into the 2010 frenzy.  One item, for example, is to completely restore the disco records blown up at the Sox game in the late 1970’s…a troubled project for decades, but now looking like a winner.

Congress is getting help from the Network of Inept Non-profit Non-functionals (NINN), the clearinghouse for coordinating/administering handouts to agencies too inept to make it on their own.  NINN always has a long running list of creepy, weepy adhocs who can turn on a dime to spend millions when extra cash is available.  A subsidiary organization of NINN, called Professors Too Inept to Teach (PTIT) also has a list of “shovel ready” university research projects to keep its research professors busy spinning wheels on inconsequentialness…and naturally keep them out of the classrooms where they can do real damage.  Suffice it to say, there are infinite places to whiz away money.

The Winner of the Amazing Race to November will be the Congress person who amasses the highest wasteful spending dollar count, plus the biggest earmark slush fund, combined with stupidity laugh points…a net total that should most certainly guarantee him/her a landslide loss in November for such blatant irresponsibility.  As a consolation, the winner will receive a lifetime guest spot on the interminable PBS pledge drives, an honorary pubah designation with the Acorn organization, and a commemorative set of gold-plated “McGovern for President” campaign buttons.  He/she will also get some kind of road, alley, or at least a ditch named after him/her somewhere in Bizarreville.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real or seem like they should be real.

“Earmarks are disgusting,” the head of the  Party exclaimed.  “I’m not even sure where they came from.  Years ago, you never heard of Earmarks.  Maybe there were no earmarks…or earmarks were so small you didn’t notice them.  But that’s certainly not true now…Earmarks are most assuredly noticeable.  Grosses me out every time I see one…and I’ve seen way too many lately.”

Numerous groups have begun fighting against earmarks, but run up against ambivalence and apathy.  “There are much, much bigger issues than Earmarks that must be solved.  I’m surprised we’re even talking about earmarks.  Must be those people on the fringe who just cannot accept that things change…it’s now a way of life.  Earmarks are here to stay…deal with it!”

But the Party head responds “Hey, I can deal with Good change.  But Earmarks are not Good change.  Earmarks leave a filthy trail, that at some point, somebody will have to clean up.  And that’s not a job any of us would look forward to doing.”

Nobody is quite sure how long people in Bizarreville have been sharing those Rooskie hats with the earmuffs, but undoubtedly it goes back many generations.  Probably goes back to a time when the poor people could not afford their own hats. 

And ENT doctors cannot definitively explain this recent outbreak of excessive earwax that has plagued the citizenry.  They hypothesize that it is a result of excessive Cheeseburger intake with XL sides of fries…but that is only one theory.  But clearly, the smelly, waxy buildup on the earmuffs has become, in some minds, a revolting hygiene issue, that can no longer be ignored.  “You wouldn’t let people share skidmarks…why would you permit them to share earmarks?”

Bizarreville was fortunate to get its fair slice of the Economic Stimulus bill, and it will be put to good immediate use.  The Bizarreville Unemployment Compensation building was tremendously undersized and needed help.  Stimulus funds have been earmarked to expand the office capacity by a factor of 3, add 18 rows of new cattle gates, and install a high-tech number-taking system to handle the burgeoning flow of jobless applicants.

“We have jobless who are doing the carpentry work, saying it will now be much easier to collect their comp checks.  Of course, we reminded them that they aren’t eligible anymore….got a pretty good laugh out of it…ha, ha, ha ha.”

“But seriously…it’s money well spent.  It creates jobs on one hand, and truly builds for our future on the other.  We will also be adding clerks and changing management practices to allow us to handle 4 or 5 times as many jobless as we could a few years ago.  May be able to do even better once we get things rolling.  I hate to say this, but we’re hoping the Algoofco aluminum factory down the street shuts its doors so we can really test our new systems here.  My opinion:  we’ll be ready.”

The new number-taking system actually stamps the number on the applicant’s left hand when he/she comes in the door.  No more little tickets that people whine about:  “Oh, I didn’t know I had to take a ticket,” or “Oh, I lost my ticket, but I’m really number 49.” 

“That’s been frustrating, let me tell you, but now it will be:  Let me see your dang hand, “49” or whatever your number is.”

They’re going to go ahead and spruce up the office restrooms while they’re doing the rehab work.  There’s a large “Unidentified Miscellaneous” category in the funding package, and the current toilets have those old large flush tanks.  “We’ll save water and help the environment,” claims the project manager.  As a finishing touch, they plan to use some leftover cattle gates to make an organized waiting line for the women’s restroom.  “If there’s another Stimulus bill, we may be able to add a baby-changing table in both restrooms…but we’ll just have to wait and see.”