June 4th, 2011
Math teachers force congresspeople to vote against debt ceiling raising
More congresspeople on both sides of the aisle are now belatedly recognizing that the Debt can stand no more raising. This realization has apparently come after these lunks and lunk staffs had been barraged with phone calls from their 4th and 5th grade Math teachers, who scolded them on their failure to understand basic arithmetic…and in particular their seemingly total obliviousness to the chapter on “Subtraction”. The scoldings have appeared to have hit home, as many voted down the recent attempt to raise the debt ceiling.
Mrs. Marge Flumpzit, who was the elementary school teacher of Harry Reid, was an outspoken member of this band of teachers. Flumzit, who is now 97 years old, still remembers the precocious Reid who was always throwing spitballs at the girls in class while she was trying to explain how subtraction worked…and how it was quite different from addition. Flumpzit was able, in those days, to be able to whack Reid with a yardstick or fire a piece of chalk at his ear if he was not paying full attention. But, she says, it did no good as Reid would resume his spitball fettish moments later. “The bad thing,” she lamented, “was that I’d have to go clean up those disgusting, slimy balls of snotty goo after class. Some of them would literally stick to the wall. Yeah, I don’t think that kid retained one lousy ounce of subtraction knowledge.”
Experts in the field of Mathematics Education have explained that this phenomenon is not that uncommon, particularly among dimwits. Jonathan Wanker, the Executive Director of the Mathnerd Institute, says that kids with lightly loaded melons often struggle with the difficult concepts of subtraction and division, frequently turning to a variety of distractions, which may include daydreaming, writing little notes to classmates, or wetting their pants, as defensive measures.
The sad thing, Wanker states, is that all too frequently these subtraction-ignoramuses tend to find careers in Politics. Their lack of fluency with Subtraction can, and has, become a real danger to the unsuspecting public, who often have trouble understanding how a congress person or senator can really be that dumb. The public just does not realize, according to Wanker, that some people are not wired to process this “higher level” math, no matter how much tutoring or yardstick whacking they receive.
Wanker sas that, eventually, citizens may require that politicians take a simple arithmetic test, including plenty of subtraction problems, before being allowed to register as a candidate. The test may have subtraction problems that are 5, 6, or maybe even 9 digits long to really test the skill level and competency. This, he says, may not screen out all the numbskulls, but it could certainly make a dent.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.
As most know, Earmark Passage was recentlydetermined to be a dangerous addiction by the Center for Disease Control and Nitwit Behavior Mitigation. The addiction appears to mostly affect lawmakers who possess particularly soft brain tissue, many of whom flunked arithmetic in elementary school, and others who were bullied as children. One addict, who agreed to be intereviewed, claimed that his Earmark habit developed in the 3rd grade, when he used to squander his lunch money to buy marbles for a special boyfriend. The habit grew stronger in high school as he cashed-in his gift savings bonds and bought an enormous collection of pet rocks. In college, he pissed away his tuition and ended up flunking out by not attending any morning classes. Sad, sad story of the inability to break-out of the cycle of wasting then squandering, and squandering then wasting that has affected so many of these people who, by the way, object to being called “bird brains”.
