bizarreville

The Earmarks Rehab Clinic administrators have announced that the clinic is now officially open for business.  But, they warn that the reservation spots are filling quickly, so are encouraging lawmakers to register as soon as possible, before the Waiting Line begins.

As most know, Earmark Passage was recentlydetermined to be a dangerous addiction by the Center for Disease Control and Nitwit Behavior Mitigation.  The addiction appears to mostly affect lawmakers who possess particularly soft brain tissue, many of whom flunked arithmetic in elementary school, and others who were bullied as children.  One addict, who agreed to be intereviewed, claimed that his Earmark habit developed in the 3rd grade, when he used to squander his lunch money to buy marbles for a special boyfriend.  The habit grew stronger in high school as he cashed-in his gift savings bonds and bought an enormous collection of pet rocks.  In college, he pissed away his tuition and ended up flunking out by not attending any morning classes.  Sad, sad story of the inability to break-out of the cycle of wasting then squandering, and squandering then wasting that has affected so many of these people who, by the way, object to being called “bird brains”.

Happily, help is on the way.  The Earmark Rehab Clinic employs a 9-step program to thoroughly cleanse them of their earmark addiction.  “It starts with a physical cleansing,” the Chief Nurse explained.  “We use enemas, lots and lots of enemas, dozens each day to clear the fecal backup that is inevitably part of the problem.  We also do a nostril enema to clear that backup.  We flush all the nasty stuff out, and that seems to relieve the pressure on their noggens somehow.”

The Head physician then went on to explain the next steps, which he half-kiddingly referred to as “mental enemas”.  The clinic uses a series of mental tests, psychological counseling, ouiga boards, and hypnosis to work on the addict’s behaviors.  The hypnosis is particularly interesting, as the staff turns the patients into a squawking flock of birds, or a raging pack of donkeys.  “The donkey bit might not change their behavior much, but it’s certainly entertaining to the staff around here.  What a riot when they all start hee-hawing in harmony!”

The head of administration said that their January schedule is now full, but there are a few openings still left in February.  They explained that no lame duck lawmakers will be allowed to register until all the re-elected addicts have gotten their chances for earmark rehabilitation.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you wish were real.

Nancy Pelosi…come on down!!  You are the next contestant on the Price is Fright.  Whooop, whooop, whooop.  Okay contestants, here we go.  Johnny, what’s the next item up for bid?

Bob, the next item is….a package of 100 fresh new jobs!!!!  These are not just any jobs.  They are jobs for people with no skill whatsoever.  From Slob Mart, your source for thumb-twiddling that keeps people busy…but not too busy.  Nancy?

I’ll bid $100 billion.

Wow, Nancy, that’s about $ 1 million per worker.  Remember this is just wheel-spinning type work, not brain surgery.  Harry?

Yeah, that’s way too high for jobs that are basically make-work jobs.  Come on, give me a break.  I’ll say $78 billion.

Okay, now we’re getting serious.  Joe….you’re next…

I’ll bid one dollar.

One dollar for 100 jobs??  Are you just plain nuts, are you smoking dope, are you a babbling nincompoo…..ooops, never mind.  Okay, one dollar.  Barack?

It’s not as simple as just bidding for jobs at some arbitrary price.  It’s about the impact this type of job creation will do to the overall national economy.  These 100 jobs will be a catalyst to spark job creation on a broad scale, across each and every industry, from autos to computer information systems, from high-end consulting to low-end toilet cleaning.  And how do you measure the value of creating these jobs?  You can’t ….

Barack, Barack….please, man.  Just shut up.  Shut your cake hole, and give me a freaking bid already.

$62 billion.  There….you happy now?  You dirty, good-for-nothing mother mrrrrr,  mrrrrrr, mrrrrr, mrrrrr….

Thank you.  Retail price….$62 billion!!  Barack, you got the number precisely on the dot.  How did you ever do that?

It’s easy, Bob.  He’s the one who makes up the friggin’ numbers.  He pulls the number out of thin air, and pooof, it’s a done deal.  If he would have said $200 billion, the answer you would have shouted would have been $200 billion.  Are you that naive?

Harry, it sounds like there is a little resentment building there in your craw.  Am I right?  A little jealousy going on between you and the big guy?  Are you getting your little snoot in a wrinkle?

No, Bob.  I don’t care if he always wins.  I mean we’re all winners when we dump $62 billion to create jobs in the important “unskilled” element of the labor force…the guys who can’t walk and chew gum…the poor fellows who add zero value to our national productivity.  We know that if the government doesn’t do it, no one will.  Certainly the private sector won’t do its civic duty by offering these poor deadbeat souls a job.  No, Bob, I’m happy and proud to be playing the game, and frankly can’t wait for the next item up for bid.

(Buzzzzzz).  I’m sorry, but we’re out of time for today.  But please join us tomorrow, when our contestants will be bidding on a research study to evaluate the consistency of hedgehog bowel movements.  Until then,  good night friends.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even game shows

“Earmarks are disgusting,” the head of the  Party exclaimed.  “I’m not even sure where they came from.  Years ago, you never heard of Earmarks.  Maybe there were no earmarks…or earmarks were so small you didn’t notice them.  But that’s certainly not true now…Earmarks are most assuredly noticeable.  Grosses me out every time I see one…and I’ve seen way too many lately.”

Numerous groups have begun fighting against earmarks, but run up against ambivalence and apathy.  “There are much, much bigger issues than Earmarks that must be solved.  I’m surprised we’re even talking about earmarks.  Must be those people on the fringe who just cannot accept that things change…it’s now a way of life.  Earmarks are here to stay…deal with it!”

But the Party head responds “Hey, I can deal with Good change.  But Earmarks are not Good change.  Earmarks leave a filthy trail, that at some point, somebody will have to clean up.  And that’s not a job any of us would look forward to doing.”

Nobody is quite sure how long people in Bizarreville have been sharing those Rooskie hats with the earmuffs, but undoubtedly it goes back many generations.  Probably goes back to a time when the poor people could not afford their own hats. 

And ENT doctors cannot definitively explain this recent outbreak of excessive earwax that has plagued the citizenry.  They hypothesize that it is a result of excessive Cheeseburger intake with XL sides of fries…but that is only one theory.  But clearly, the smelly, waxy buildup on the earmuffs has become, in some minds, a revolting hygiene issue, that can no longer be ignored.  “You wouldn’t let people share skidmarks…why would you permit them to share earmarks?”

Bizarreville was fortunate to get its fair slice of the Economic Stimulus bill, and it will be put to good immediate use.  The Bizarreville Unemployment Compensation building was tremendously undersized and needed help.  Stimulus funds have been earmarked to expand the office capacity by a factor of 3, add 18 rows of new cattle gates, and install a high-tech number-taking system to handle the burgeoning flow of jobless applicants.

“We have jobless who are doing the carpentry work, saying it will now be much easier to collect their comp checks.  Of course, we reminded them that they aren’t eligible anymore….got a pretty good laugh out of it…ha, ha, ha ha.”

“But seriously…it’s money well spent.  It creates jobs on one hand, and truly builds for our future on the other.  We will also be adding clerks and changing management practices to allow us to handle 4 or 5 times as many jobless as we could a few years ago.  May be able to do even better once we get things rolling.  I hate to say this, but we’re hoping the Algoofco aluminum factory down the street shuts its doors so we can really test our new systems here.  My opinion:  we’ll be ready.”

The new number-taking system actually stamps the number on the applicant’s left hand when he/she comes in the door.  No more little tickets that people whine about:  “Oh, I didn’t know I had to take a ticket,” or “Oh, I lost my ticket, but I’m really number 49.” 

“That’s been frustrating, let me tell you, but now it will be:  Let me see your dang hand, “49” or whatever your number is.”

They’re going to go ahead and spruce up the office restrooms while they’re doing the rehab work.  There’s a large “Unidentified Miscellaneous” category in the funding package, and the current toilets have those old large flush tanks.  “We’ll save water and help the environment,” claims the project manager.  As a finishing touch, they plan to use some leftover cattle gates to make an organized waiting line for the women’s restroom.  “If there’s another Stimulus bill, we may be able to add a baby-changing table in both restrooms…but we’ll just have to wait and see.”