bizarreville

The President and his crack staff of econo-wizards have looked at the numbers:  10% unemployment, actually 17-18% including the underemployed and people who have thrown in the towel and given up trying.  Besides just being concerned, however, the team has decided to take firm action.  An Executive Order has been drafted which will require that everything that WalMart sells in this country must be made in this country.  No more ugly Chinese tie-dye t-shirts, Indian absorbent cotton jammies, or flabbergammers from Hoogivesacrapistan.  All merchandise, whether it be the semi-marginal quality stuff or the cheap, bargain-priced garbage futures, must be made here.

A WalMart spokesman responded that it is not fair to single out one retailer for this Executive Order…it should apply to all or none.  She claimed that this Order would force their “everyday low prices” to skyrocket up 30-40%, putting them at a disadvantage to KMart, Dollar Stores, and Fred’s Funktown Econo-village who all carry similar low-end crap.  “This could drive us into being forced to sell quality-manufactured goods, a business segment we have no knowledge or expertise in.  How can the Administration possibly be expecting us to toss away our successful business model, and plunge into such uncharted territory?”

A spokesman for the President countered that these assertions are not true.  “Our citizens can produce the same off-quality and marginally-acceptable merchandise as the Chinese or the Hoogivesacrapians.  Maybe even better…or worse, whatever the case may be.  The President is convinced that this Order will bring back into the workforce those hordes of workers who haven’t forgotten how to make over-priced, shoddy merchandise, and will be able to quickly regain those fumble skills, piss-poor attitudes, and “close enough, ship it” production behaviors that cannot be easily lost with just a few short years of mindless couch-sitting.

Melvin Farkwarf, a laid-off employee from Stumblebird Textiles and member of the Ironhead Workers United, agrees.  “I may have been a lazy, goof-off, unfocused, injury-prone dimwit when I was employed before.  But I believe now that I can work without getting hurt.  And that’s the main thing.  I now have a Can-Do attitude…at least when it comes to some things.”

“All they want is a chance,” CEO Cornelius Stumblebird said.  “Just give us a level playing field with those A$$#*les, and we’ll show what we can do.  We can make stuff people will buy.  Especially if they have, shall I say, limited choices.  Wait a minute…is this being recorded?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

Bizarreville Studios has just announced plans to begin shooting a new movie in Washington, DC.  The movie will be another sequel to the Dumb & Dumber comedy series, with the working title “Dumbest, Period.”  PR people at the studio say that it will be the funniest yet, with hijinx and situational bizarrity galore.

The script, which is still in development with new hiliarious vignettes being written every day from real-life antics, will be about the Obama administration fumbling around with new programs, rules, and pronouncements out the ying-yang, but they never quite figure out that the real problem is Jobs, Jobs, Jobs.  Early in the movie, there will be a precious situation when the EPA Secretary tries to convince the President they will create 100 thousand new jobs with the so-called Cap&Tax program by increasing paperwork, permits, stupid reports, and general red tape.  Laughs become side-splitting as former productive factory workers stumble along trying to fill-out meaningless paperwork with work gloves on.

Then, the Treasury Secretary persuades the Cabinet that increasing taxes will increase jobs…by intentionally overcomplicating the Tax Code, eliminating those bothersome Short forms, so that no one can fill out their own taxes.  Hilarity is in abundance as regular Joes cuss, kick doors, and pee on the new forms before they finally throw in the towel.

But the best part of the story is when advisors keep telling the President that he should focus on Jobs…and within minutes, he develops temporary amnesia and keeps forgetting and forgetting.  His Aides have him write down “Jobs” on a piece of paper, but he keeps losing the paper.  Then he writes “Jobs” on his palm…but when he reads it back, he thinks it says “Joes” , and goes out for a seafood dinner.  Comedy hits its climactic peak when a football stadium full of people chant: “Jobs, jobs, jobs”, but the poor President thinks they are saying “Slobs, slobs, slobs” and just gets pissed.  The team on the field finally runs up to his box and dumps a bucketload of Gatorade on his head, as the scoreboard reads: It’s the Jobs, Stupid!!  And everyone ends up dancing on the field to the final song:  Take this job and shove it. 

Casting is well underway.  The Casting Director is looking for specific types of actors who can not only act dumb, but also just look dumb with a funny dumbness air about them…kind of like a 1950’s Jerry Lewis look.  The Director would like to hire some of the real officials in the administration for some of the parts, because clearly they possess the skills and personal attributes they’re looking for…and would be perfect in the roles.

The movie has a fairly small budget, but no matter:  They just plan to overrun it.  Would you expect anything less?

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.

Bizarreville was fortunate to get its fair slice of the Economic Stimulus bill, and it will be put to good immediate use.  The Bizarreville Unemployment Compensation building was tremendously undersized and needed help.  Stimulus funds have been earmarked to expand the office capacity by a factor of 3, add 18 rows of new cattle gates, and install a high-tech number-taking system to handle the burgeoning flow of jobless applicants.

“We have jobless who are doing the carpentry work, saying it will now be much easier to collect their comp checks.  Of course, we reminded them that they aren’t eligible anymore….got a pretty good laugh out of it…ha, ha, ha ha.”

“But seriously…it’s money well spent.  It creates jobs on one hand, and truly builds for our future on the other.  We will also be adding clerks and changing management practices to allow us to handle 4 or 5 times as many jobless as we could a few years ago.  May be able to do even better once we get things rolling.  I hate to say this, but we’re hoping the Algoofco aluminum factory down the street shuts its doors so we can really test our new systems here.  My opinion:  we’ll be ready.”

The new number-taking system actually stamps the number on the applicant’s left hand when he/she comes in the door.  No more little tickets that people whine about:  “Oh, I didn’t know I had to take a ticket,” or “Oh, I lost my ticket, but I’m really number 49.” 

“That’s been frustrating, let me tell you, but now it will be:  Let me see your dang hand, “49” or whatever your number is.”

They’re going to go ahead and spruce up the office restrooms while they’re doing the rehab work.  There’s a large “Unidentified Miscellaneous” category in the funding package, and the current toilets have those old large flush tanks.  “We’ll save water and help the environment,” claims the project manager.  As a finishing touch, they plan to use some leftover cattle gates to make an organized waiting line for the women’s restroom.  “If there’s another Stimulus bill, we may be able to add a baby-changing table in both restrooms…but we’ll just have to wait and see.”