January 4th, 2010
The Amazing Race in Spending to November
Yes, Friends…welcome to the Amazing Race to November, where the Bizarreville Congress will be challenged to ascertain how much worthless left-wing nutcase spending they can possibly do in just over 10 months. The contestants know they’re getting swiftly booted out of their jobs in November, so by golly, they’ve got to work fast, damn fast, to get it done while there’s still no one who can effectively hold them accountable or slow their pace.
Remember, in the Amazing Race to November game, contestants get extra “style” point for ramming-through projects that are especially laughable in the eyes of our judges. Research projects into the behaviors of stupid friggin’ animals, construction projects with no tangible benefits whatsoever, and anything that has the words “space” and “laboratory” in it are always solid qualifiers. But judges will be looking for new deeper levels of creativity, not only in the project synopsis itself, but also in the ridiculousness of the supporting rationale. Contestants are all reminded that they must make the judges laugh, real belly-rollers are certain to garner these bonus points.
Congress people are currently very busy with their bloated staffs trying to scrape up wasteage ideas, pulling records/notes that go back 30-40 years for shot-down projects and lame-brain funding requests that now have this once-in-a-lifetime shot at slipping into the 2010 frenzy. One item, for example, is to completely restore the disco records blown up at the Sox game in the late 1970’s…a troubled project for decades, but now looking like a winner.
Congress is getting help from the Network of Inept Non-profit Non-functionals (NINN), the clearinghouse for coordinating/administering handouts to agencies too inept to make it on their own. NINN always has a long running list of creepy, weepy adhocs who can turn on a dime to spend millions when extra cash is available. A subsidiary organization of NINN, called Professors Too Inept to Teach (PTIT) also has a list of “shovel ready” university research projects to keep its research professors busy spinning wheels on inconsequentialness…and naturally keep them out of the classrooms where they can do real damage. Suffice it to say, there are infinite places to whiz away money.
The Winner of the Amazing Race to November will be the Congress person who amasses the highest wasteful spending dollar count, plus the biggest earmark slush fund, combined with stupidity laugh points…a net total that should most certainly guarantee him/her a landslide loss in November for such blatant irresponsibility. As a consolation, the winner will receive a lifetime guest spot on the interminable PBS pledge drives, an honorary pubah designation with the Acorn organization, and a commemorative set of gold-plated “McGovern for President” campaign buttons. He/she will also get some kind of road, alley, or at least a ditch named after him/her somewhere in Bizarreville.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are pure fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real or seem like they should be real.
