bizarreville

With the recent announcement that Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring, there is a scramble to quickly develop a short-list of candidates for his replacement.  Stevens was most known for being the outspoken leader of the liberal wing of the Court.  He was nominated by President Ford in 1975, and at the time, appeared to be a constitutional conservative, but almost immediately did a quick 180 and changed his views on everything legal.  He changed his views on affirmative action, the death penalty, gun control, and at one point suggested just scrapping the Constitution and starting over.  “Man, I sure fooled those bozos,” said Stevens at the time.  “What a bunch of saps.”

A local county judge from Bizarreville has emerged as a potential replacement candidate, named Judge Mert Shlunk.  Mert also owns the Shlunk Auto Body Collision shop, which offers a guarantee to give any customer 5 pounds of coffee if they gripe that their repair job sucks.  In terms of background, Shlunk got his law degree from Stubitz Refrigerator College with a solid C-average, and a fairly good class attendance record.  He became a judge 13 years ago, and put on a brilliant campaign… which seemed somewhat irrelevant when it turned out no one else was running.  He has had no issues of personal infidelity staining his tenure on the bench, but quips that maybe he would have if he was better looking.

Shlunk is an enigma in terms of his political philosophy and leanings.  He attends church regularly, but doesn’t put anything into the offering basket.  He believes strongly in the Constitution, but admits that technically he’s never read it, cover to cover.  “Every time I go to the library, it’s checked out.”

Shlunk supports equal rights, and espouses expanding the rights of NASCAR fans, light beer drinkers, and Moms-with-bratty-kids segments of the population.  He believes that women have the right to choose, but thinks that mainly should apply to what to cook for dinner and which fabric softener to buy.  He is unsure of his stand on the constitutionality of income tax, indicating that particular issue may be in the part of the Constitution he hasn’t read yet.  He does not believe in gay marriage, but says he’s not so crazy about straight marriage either.

When asked about Roe vs. Wade, he said he normally prefers to stay inside the boat, and would generally prefer to pick up an oar if his fishing boat motor konks out.  “In fact, I have a pretty solid record on this issue,” Shlunk said.  “I really need to buy a new motor for that friggin boat.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you’d swear are real.

Pundits in Bizarreville had been anxiously anticipating to have an Argument field day with the latest Supreme Court decision opening the floodgates for Corporations and Unions to dump bucket loads of cash into political candidate campaigns.  Many feel this could greatly impact election results, by ushering-in the quid pro quo set with pockets full of cash ready to buy influence at discount prices.

But at a recent charity dinner attended by Bizarreville’s top CEO’s, it would appear there is not much to worry about.  “They all suck,” spouted William O. Burff, Chairman of BizarroBank.  “Why would we want to piss money away on those two-bit clowns?  Would rather take the cash and use it as a wipe…at least that would serve one purpose.”

Gerald Funkshmitz, CEO of Bizarreville Rubber and Rubbers agreed.  “If one of those guys from the Blue Collar Comedy Tour runs for office, say that Larry the Cable Guy fellow, for example…well then, yes, we would probably kick in some major dough for his campaign.  The rest of those knuckleheads out there running?  Just a bunch of friggin’ lawyers who missed becoming partners.  Why would I trust those  f*#*$!rs?”

The President of the IBEW local had similar statements.  “If none of these bozos can figure out how to create more good jobs in Bizarreville, they can all go to hell.  I’d be happy to buy them a 1-way ticket.  Is that allowed in this stupid new law?”

The Bizarreville Chamber of Commerce Executive Director tried to counter this by saying that he was certain there would be plenty of other corporations and unions who will pony up bucks when push comes to shove.  But as a true Chamber ambivalent professional, he later said he felt very strongly on both sides of the issue, and would fight with every fiber in his being to defend either or both points of view.

Meanwhile, pundits are throwing in the towel on this issue, and turning their respective rages on other screwball political matters on the docket.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem like they could be real.