March 25th, 2010
Bizarreville passes new marriage requirement law
Driven by pleas from the Education Department, Bizarreville lawmakers just passed a new law requiring all couples who conceive and produce a baby to be married and stay married until the child (children) completes high school. The controversial law was passed over objections from the Fornicators Rights Association (FRA) and the Deadbeat Dads United (DDU) groups who staged protests at the Capitol with thousands of naked guys chanting songs and carrying lude, exaggerated signs.
Hard empirical evidence had previously been presented at lawmaker hearings showing an indisputable correlation between SAT scores, placement in Advanced math/science classes, and dozens of other measures of education performance with whether or not the child had a father at home married to mom. Furthermore, 90 percent of all ultra-numbskulls were found to have been born to unmarried women…most of these children eventually turning to a life of crime, as well as continuing their indiscriminate impregnation legacy.
The Education Secretary had begged lawmakers for years to get off their dead keisters and do something about it. The Secretary had asked numerous parties to provide support, and one major network chipped in with the broad-reaching TV campaign we have all seen, featuring Will the Weiner and his free-love exploits gone awry.
Spokesmen for the FRA and DDU say they plan to continue their naked protests until lawmakers start to listen, or it starts to get too cold outside. The recent cold spell that hit the area forced protestors to light some small bonfires, but unfortunately these caused an outbreak of singed short hairs.
Meanwhile, however, all will have to comply with the law or face the surgical consequence specified in the law. Lawmakers did say that these johnson-ectomies would be covered in the new Health Care reconciliation bill.
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.
