bizarreville

The Bizarreville Department of Labor is in the process of passing a Don’t Ask/Don’t Tell bill which would apply to job interviews of any kind.  Originally intended to just apply to sexual orientation, the Labor Dept. said: why not go ahead and apply it to…well, everything?   They did.

The Labor Dept has complained about getting barraged with charges against employers for various discrimination hiring practices.  In response, business has spent millions of dollars to develop “fair” interview techniques and validated testing procedures to level the playing field…supposedly.  But protected classes still complain that the very nature of the tests is unfair to one group or another.  “For example, one question asks if you turn a boat rudder a certain way, which way will the boat turn?  Now that question plainly discriminates against lower-income groups that have never owned a boat, have never been on a boat, may not know what a boat is.  How on earth would they know how a freaking rudder works?  I mean really!”

But the Department also feels the very nature of asking a job interviewee about his/her previous work experience is fraught with discrimination pitfalls. “Probing into their previous jobs??  Oh, please.  Right there you’re blatantly discriminating against: (1) people who show up late to work just because they have cheap alarm clocks, (2) people with severe mental disabilities who screw-up at work through, truly, no fault of their own, (3) people who chronically get fired a lot because…well, just because of bad luck, (4) people with anxiety disorders who end up getting into fistfights with co-workers who make fun of them.  It’s ridiculous how much discrimination goes on.  And the point is:  this kind of job misfortune should not be held against them.”

Representatives from the Labor Dept were asked if employers could at least ask about education background.  “No.  That clearly discriminates against people who hated going to school.  You need educated people?  Train on the job.”

So the Bizarreville Dept of Labor is instituting a new labor law which prevents asking really any questions about an applicant’s background.  “We may allow questions about their Hobbies…that’s still under consideration at this point.”  The department claims that the whole process will be much simpler.  “There used to be a long list of things you could and could not ask interviewees…now just ask nothing.   Simple.”

When asked by Business about how they can differentiate one candidate from another, the Labor Dept responds, “You really can’t anymore…just need to take what you get, and that’s it.  My, my, why are you guys making such a big deal of this…you must be accustomed to doing a lot of discrimination in the past?” 

Business owners claim that this fight is not over, and will appeal.  It may be an uphill battle for them, however, since the Board of Appeal has many unsympathetic members who have previously been canned from their jobs.