October 15th, 2009
Please keep that legislation in a darker room. Thank you.
Bizarreville leaders have continued to look for new/better ways to prevent the rascally public from reading and learning about upcoming legislation. It’s been a challenge. In spite of their sophisticated efforts to keep it all under wraps, information somehow has kept leaking out of cracks and crevices, as sneaky as a dutch oven at midnight.
A while back, Leaders had a brainstorm…they would write the bills in a foreign language. Brilliant? Not so… unfortunately, stupidly, they managed to pick simple-to-translate languages like Bosnian, Czech, or Mandarin, and in nano-seconds the translations were readily available on the web. They tried a variety of security schemes, including using paper that would start smoldering the minute it was exposed to fresh air…even faster if the air was stale. Still, the Underground found out that a natural, organic yellowish fluid would quickly extinguish the fire, and were able to foil that attempt.
But now they truly believe they’ve got it. One nerdly staffer, recently uncloseted, discovered a unique ancient strand of Egyptian hieroglyphics, and wrote the current “Cap and Hoopskirt” bill in this obscure signology. So far, no one has been able to crack it. It’s premature, but there are some pre-celebrations happening in the hallowed halls.
Leaders are happy and relieved that their hard work of concocting convoluted, self-grandizing, earmark-loaded slimy bills will not be subject to a lot of cry-baby, hand-wringing, mamby-pamby scrutiny. They feel that the whole “light of day” mumbo-jumbo is, and always has been, overrated…plus it undermines the critically important process of back-scratching, butt-kissing quid pro quo which defines how things work in this town.
Special security has been arranged for the Nerdball who discovered the ancient hieroglyphics. He has been disguised by dressing him in a polo shirt, khakis, and dock shoes, taking away his well-worn leather briefcase and giving him a Blackberry…no one will ever suspect.
