bizarreville

Last year, the Siesta Club, Bizarreville’s most radical environmental activist group, filed a lawsuit challenging the amount of pollution emitted from 28 Bizarreville manufacturing plants.  The suit alleges that the pollutants have done and continue to do significant harm to humans, animals, and plant life.  They cite a study conducted by the 6th grade Boinkertown Elementary School which particularly focused on the ill-effects of sulfur dioxide.  The students conducted a lab experiment showing high levels of SO2 made various species of weeds turn brown and made some grasshoppers act crazy.  “Plus it smelled pretty bad…like someone cut one,” reported one of the science students.

The Siesta Club is trying to force the 28 factories to install high-tech pollution control equipment to settle the suit.  “It doesn’t matter what it costs,” said Dr. J. Perch Plumpsnark, executive director of the Club.  “You can’t put a price tag on health.  What’s the price of poor old Rover developing a life-long hacking cough?  What’s the price of seeing leaves on perfectly good weeds with nasty brown edges everywhere you look?  What about poor grampaw suffering from emphysema after 60 years of chain-smoking, now unable to take a full breath because of these pollutants?  Priceless…that’s what.”

A spokesman for the Bizarreville Manufacturers Association responded to the suit by saying that the amount of SO2 emitted by these factories was equivalent to putting an eyedrop of roach urine in the Indian Ocean.  He said the cost of installing the control equipment would be somewhere north of $65 billion, would increase operating costs 18%, result in 4 million additional tons of waste entering landfills, and…incidently…have a deteriorating effect on the globe’s ozone layer.  “These whackos cannot be serious about this lawsuit,” the BMA spokesman said.  “I know that a lot of the club members are chronic dope-smokers, but it looks like someone has been putting some pretty nasty stuff in their bongs lately.”

The BMS asked for the case to be summarily dismissed.  But the District Judge refused to grant a dismissal.  Risking a contempt of court filing, the BMA spokesman responded, “Looks like the Judge has been toking off that same bong.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the enviro-whacko ones.

Bizarreville leaders had been trying to push through sweeping environmental legislation for several months.  But they faced dwindling public support, fueled by a barrage of resistance and disgruntlement from the uncaring industrial community…mostly those mean, heartless SOB’s who supply all that disgusting electrical power.  They would moan and groan about the billions of dollars that would have to be spent on installing exotic control equipment which would drive up all kinds of costs to the consumer to solve a problem that, admittedly, no one cares about.  Waah, waah, waah.

The Bizarreville Leaders were fed up with all this cry-baby arguing, and decided to be preemptive, drawing swords in preparation for rattling.  They announced at a National Chamber of Commerce meeting that the business community damn well better support Cap and ‘Fraid legislation, or face severe consequences, “consequences so harsh you could never imagine.”

The crowd at the meeting got rowdy, demanding to know the specific details of the threat.  The administration representatives refused and refused, but finally the pressure became too great.  “If you fail to sign this piece of paper stating that you will support the Cap and ‘Fraid law, if you outright defiantly refuse to do this minor thing to support your environment and the environment of your kids and grandkids….then we will contact your Mother-in-laws.  We will get your mother-in-laws onboard to nag you to death until you sign a support affadavit.  That’s right.  Full court nag press:  why won’t you sign it, are you too good to sign it, is there something wrong with your brain, I don’t know why on earth my Emma ever married a bum like you, you should sign it, sign it right now, I think you have a drinking problem and that’s why you won’t sign it, you are such a pathetic loser, do you need some Viagra to get you to sign it…”

A cruel threat indeed….but one that appears to be effective.  Several business leaders have been arriving at the EPA office with soiled pants, and have knuckled under and signed on.  “Mean, just plain below-the-belt freaking mean,” commented the CEO of Belchnard Edison, as he scribbled an illegible signature.