December 11th, 2009
Cap and ‘Fraid: underhanded tactics galore
Bizarreville leaders had been trying to push through sweeping environmental legislation for several months. But they faced dwindling public support, fueled by a barrage of resistance and disgruntlement from the uncaring industrial community…mostly those mean, heartless SOB’s who supply all that disgusting electrical power. They would moan and groan about the billions of dollars that would have to be spent on installing exotic control equipment which would drive up all kinds of costs to the consumer to solve a problem that, admittedly, no one cares about. Waah, waah, waah.
The Bizarreville Leaders were fed up with all this cry-baby arguing, and decided to be preemptive, drawing swords in preparation for rattling. They announced at a National Chamber of Commerce meeting that the business community damn well better support Cap and ‘Fraid legislation, or face severe consequences, “consequences so harsh you could never imagine.”
The crowd at the meeting got rowdy, demanding to know the specific details of the threat. The administration representatives refused and refused, but finally the pressure became too great. “If you fail to sign this piece of paper stating that you will support the Cap and ‘Fraid law, if you outright defiantly refuse to do this minor thing to support your environment and the environment of your kids and grandkids….then we will contact your Mother-in-laws. We will get your mother-in-laws onboard to nag you to death until you sign a support affadavit. That’s right. Full court nag press: why won’t you sign it, are you too good to sign it, is there something wrong with your brain, I don’t know why on earth my Emma ever married a bum like you, you should sign it, sign it right now, I think you have a drinking problem and that’s why you won’t sign it, you are such a pathetic loser, do you need some Viagra to get you to sign it…”
A cruel threat indeed….but one that appears to be effective. Several business leaders have been arriving at the EPA office with soiled pants, and have knuckled under and signed on. “Mean, just plain below-the-belt freaking mean,” commented the CEO of Belchnard Edison, as he scribbled an illegible signature.
Because it’s Healthy. That’s right. Quacker has spent years in product development to bring you Cap’n Trade, which offers things no other cereal company can boast. One advantage is that it will reduce your you-know-what emissions by over 20%! Imagine that…20 percent. Cap’n Trade’s special formulation of oat bran, Gas-X, and sodium bicarbonate will make you feel like you just capped your keister. Won’t that be nice…for you, your family members, and really the entire Globe when you add it all up. That’s a lot of carbon emissions, if you know what I mean.
