bizarreville

The new Bizarreville OSHA Secretary met with reporters Wednesday, boldly claiming there’s a new sheriff in town and he’s meanin’ to gun down anyone in his path.  This message was initially not received well by his supporters who generally favor total gun control, whining that they would have appreciated a different metaphor.  It was even worse when he showed up to the news conference in spats, a cowboy hat covering his mullet, and a 2-pistol holster…even walked a little bowlegged, adding to the shear pathetic-ness of his look.  Tsk, tsk, good lord!

Arthur Shlonk, the new OSHA “sheriff”, spouted there would be tougher enforcement, bigger fines with more findings of willful violations, and other  sanctions against reckless companies.  Puddle of water on the plant floor?  Willful violation, max penalty.  Shlonk has written a 500-page manifesto, affectionately known in industry circles as “Rules of Obnoxion”, specifying uber-protective measures well beyond the nth-degree so that “even a bumbling idiot could not get hurt.”  A cynic in the crowd replied, “Easy for him to say…he hasn’t seen our new crop of hyper-bumbling idiots.”

Millions of dollars will need to be spent on fixes considered ‘worthless wastes of money’ in the past.  But Shlonk claims those designations were just cop-outs, spoken by safe-ophobes.  When challenged by a reporter about providing data/specifics on this cop-out charge or cost/benefit analysis he employed, Shlonk gave the reporter the finger.  “Here’s your analysis.”

Shlonk favors, training, retraining, and re-retraining as a critical part of his agenda on such things as how to walk and chew gum without tripping, which side of a chainsaw to hold, and what to do when the alarm goes off telling people to get the  f*#!&  out of here.  It’s what he calls Back to Basics approach.  “You can’t just rely on people’s common sense.  No sir.  That would be considered irresponsible in my book, pard’ner,” said the sheriff reverting back to ‘character’ for a brief moment.

Industry response has been surpisingly positive to this new aggressive OSHA plan of attack.  A spokesman for Berfnerd Industries said, “Good news.  We were at the indifference point on expanding our factory in Bizarreville…but this latest pile of dog dollop has made the decision to invest overseas a slam dunk.  Thank you, Mr Shlonk, for tipping the balance with your lard.”

Another company, Clamordoink Inc., has decided to pull up stakes altogether and move to China.  “They’ve been courting us for a couple years.  Offered a 20-year exemption from all environmental and workplace safety rules.  20 years…no knucklebrain regulations, no twerp-parade unannounced inspections, no 1000-page bullshoi permits, no lawyers to figure the whole mess out then louse it up anyway.  It’s like heaven, baby.  Sayonara…or should I say, zai jian, OSHA dweebs.  Put that in your bong and smoke it.”