bizarreville

“Good morning, it’s 7:42 and we’re back with Fat Talk.  Are you as outraged as I am about these new proposed regulations in Bizarreville that would put a 50-cent tax on every can and bottle of non-diet soft drinks?  I mean, first it was the flap about having to pay for 2 airline seats if you were over 275 pounds…now this?  Call me at 1-800-CHUNKSTER, lines are open.  These feeble attempts by the government to thin us down to some pre-determined limit have gone too far, and it’s high time we rebel.  Our layers are bought and paid-for.  But here comes Big Brother again feeling a new social calling to manage personal behavior.  1-800-CHUNKSTER.  First call is from some skinny guy in Flumplard.”

“Yeah, first time caller, long-time listener.  You know you fat slobs sit around all day eating box after box of Oreos, bag after bag of nacho cheeseballs, Twinkies by the carload.  You don’t exercise, you don’t jazzercize, you never consider dieting, you just eat, fart, and s#!$ around the house…”

“So…..what’s your point?”

“My point is:  you and your tub-master listeners need to stop continually jamming your pie-holes.  Your obesity is affecting your health, and all of us skinny taxpayers are picking up the tab.  Most of you are too fat and too lazy to work, so you end up sucking away on the government dole.  Even without a job, you somehow still find ways to overeat, even if it mean sacrificing the roof over your head to get that double cheeseburger.”

“You sound like you need some Anger Management therapy, my friend.  There’s a good therapist …right next to the Main Street Bakery in Flumplard…mmmm…best peach cobblers I’ve ever eaten.  Like a peach explosion in your mouth.  And cupcakes.  Once bought a dozen of their red velvet cupcakes…melt in your mouth awesome.  Try it.  Next caller…?

“Hi.  I was going to make a point about the soft drink tax, but you reminded me of another bakery in Flumplard.  It’s right on the corner of 4th and Flumplard Boulevard…called Creamy Dreams, or something like that.  They make their own fudge that they spread over giant pecan danish pastries.  Never had anything like it.  You should try it.”

“Mmmmm…sounds good.  I may go there after the show is over.  You know, while we’re on the subject of bakeries, I just heard a rumor that a new business is opening up in Shlonktown to DELIVER fresh bakery items to your home…right to your front door.  That’s right …something we have been advocating for years…reminiscent of the old bread trucks, but this time with trays of all kinds of yummy baked goodies.  Don’t even have to get off the couch.  Call me if you know anything about this at 1-800-CHUNKSTER.  It can be such a hassle to traipse down to a bakery a couple times a day.  And, if you’re like me, you smell the place and never want to leave…here’s another skinny guy on the line.”

“Why don’t you just move into a bakery?  Do your whole show from inside a freaking bakery every day?  That way you could just blather for 3 hours about all the smells and new concoctions the baker is whipping up…put all your listeners into a sugar-induced fantasy trance…”

“Not a bad idea….hey, Johnnie, put that on our list for next week.  Man, I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.  Got any more of those Ho-ho’s or Ding-dong’s hidden in your console back there, Johnnie?  Be honest, you chubby twerp.  Hand ’em over.   Back in a minute….”

The new Bizarreville OSHA Secretary met with reporters Wednesday, boldly claiming there’s a new sheriff in town and he’s meanin’ to gun down anyone in his path.  This message was initially not received well by his supporters who generally favor total gun control, whining that they would have appreciated a different metaphor.  It was even worse when he showed up to the news conference in spats, a cowboy hat covering his mullet, and a 2-pistol holster…even walked a little bowlegged, adding to the shear pathetic-ness of his look.  Tsk, tsk, good lord!

Arthur Shlonk, the new OSHA “sheriff”, spouted there would be tougher enforcement, bigger fines with more findings of willful violations, and other  sanctions against reckless companies.  Puddle of water on the plant floor?  Willful violation, max penalty.  Shlonk has written a 500-page manifesto, affectionately known in industry circles as “Rules of Obnoxion”, specifying uber-protective measures well beyond the nth-degree so that “even a bumbling idiot could not get hurt.”  A cynic in the crowd replied, “Easy for him to say…he hasn’t seen our new crop of hyper-bumbling idiots.”

Millions of dollars will need to be spent on fixes considered ‘worthless wastes of money’ in the past.  But Shlonk claims those designations were just cop-outs, spoken by safe-ophobes.  When challenged by a reporter about providing data/specifics on this cop-out charge or cost/benefit analysis he employed, Shlonk gave the reporter the finger.  “Here’s your analysis.”

Shlonk favors, training, retraining, and re-retraining as a critical part of his agenda on such things as how to walk and chew gum without tripping, which side of a chainsaw to hold, and what to do when the alarm goes off telling people to get the  f*#!&  out of here.  It’s what he calls Back to Basics approach.  “You can’t just rely on people’s common sense.  No sir.  That would be considered irresponsible in my book, pard’ner,” said the sheriff reverting back to ‘character’ for a brief moment.

Industry response has been surpisingly positive to this new aggressive OSHA plan of attack.  A spokesman for Berfnerd Industries said, “Good news.  We were at the indifference point on expanding our factory in Bizarreville…but this latest pile of dog dollop has made the decision to invest overseas a slam dunk.  Thank you, Mr Shlonk, for tipping the balance with your lard.”

Another company, Clamordoink Inc., has decided to pull up stakes altogether and move to China.  “They’ve been courting us for a couple years.  Offered a 20-year exemption from all environmental and workplace safety rules.  20 years…no knucklebrain regulations, no twerp-parade unannounced inspections, no 1000-page bullshoi permits, no lawyers to figure the whole mess out then louse it up anyway.  It’s like heaven, baby.  Sayonara…or should I say, zai jian, OSHA dweebs.  Put that in your bong and smoke it.”