bizarreville

The sudden rise in citizens who are proponents of Communism has prompted the question:  How in the frick did that happen?  After all, most people in the U.S. have benefitted from the fruits of the free enterprise system, unless they’ve been lazy ignoramuses.  Why wouldn’t they just do the math, and realize how their blessings have come about?

The answer is simple:  Because they don’t know how to do math.  Yes, of course, they all learned basic arithmetic in elementary school.  But by the time they graduated college, they managed to unlearn all that math stuff.  Most of that unlearning was drilled into them by Communist-sympathizing professors in liberal colleges.  These professors started by telling their students that History was all a bunch of lies, then said the Moon Landing was faked, and M&M’s were good for you.  The professors claimed that Math was developed by a bunch of elite Ponzi-schemers in order to exploit the intellectually-shortchanged masses.  They grouched that so-called free enterprise is only free to the schemers.

The professors are now teaching that Communism, on the other hand, is the most fair system, because it allows equal distribution of benefits, no matter how hard-working or lazy you are.  It does not give initiative-takers an upper hand just because some guy has a great idea, and another guy is idea-vacant.  Communism understands that many people need lots of dope to muddle through their days, which can zap their energies, ambitions, and gung-ho.  It recognizes that some people are just plain stupid, and you can’t fix stupid.  Why make all the underachievers feel bad?

They point out that Communism certainly does not allow corporations to profit on the backs of its poor customers, suckered into buying stuff because of all the enticing commercials on TV.  They say that’s the fallacy of capitalism… always huckstering innocent people into buying stuff they don’t need.  Who needs a fancy Ronco nose-hair trimmer when a pair of ordinary scissors will do the job just fine?  Who needs to see a happy family enjoying dinner at Outback Steakhouse when a loaf of bread and a bowl of soup will satisfy their nutritional needs?  Why would anybody want to put a huge dollop of guacamole on a pile of meat?  It’s all propaganda.

When soft-minded students hear this barrage of examples describing the foibles of free enterprise from bald, multi-degreed professors with huge, oversized heads, they glom onto Communist ideology.   They feel enlightened that they now know something that their parents didn’t know.  And isn’t that every kid’s dream?

Some universities have started getting pressure from their Trustees and major donors to stop this Commie nonsense, and return to traditional college values like football, cheerleading, bonfires, and keg parties.  They want to get rid of professors who have never done any real work in their lives, and have only obtained knowledge from discussions with other similarly clueless professors and/or reading books written by Karl Marx and his goofy ilk.

Some professors are finally getting the message.  “It’s high time we adapt our teaching to sensible, proven ideologies,” one professor from a northeastern college was recently overheard saying to colleagues.  Unfortunately, that educator was then banished from the Teacher’s Lounge for the remainder of the semester.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction at the time of writing.