bizarreville

With the City of New York wishing to move its political structure in the direction of Communism, with government control over property and business, the rest of the state of New York is scared of being sucked into this black hole.  Most of upstate New York has historically been more conservative/traditional in its belief system.  Unfortunately, however, the Upstaters’ voices have been drowned out by the bellyachers in the Big Apple… an apple that some say has a large worm in it… and have been unable to get a balanced set of laws and policies in the state because of the population bulge.  They don’t see things changing in the future unless something drastic is done.

The Upstate New Yorkers have suggested that the City consider spinning off into a 51st state, separate from the rest of New York state.  They could call themselves Marxylvania, in homage to Karl, or Groucho, or both.  By doing this separation, they would free themselves to elect their own dictator, reinstate Woke principles to drive out exceptionalism, and provide equally bad housing for all.

Citizens of New Jersey say that if the spinoff happens, the “New York” NFL football teams would no longer be permitted to use the Meadowlands facility… unless they change their names to the New Jersey Giants and New Jersey Jets.  Because both teams suck so badly, no one really seems to care one way or the other.  Perhaps, decades from now, that issue could become relevant.

Some centrist New York city dwellers are afraid that the change could result in bread lines.  But proponents of the change argue that the bread lines would actually be Bagel Lines, with a full variety of flavors and toppings.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  Or are they?

Mayor Johnson of Chicago has taken plenty of criticism over his recent announcement that the Chicago professional sports teams in the 4 major categories (Football, Baseball, Basketball, Hockey) have elected to move out of the City due to the decades-long pathetic performance of all the local teams and the fans deciding to shun attending the games.  Another contributing factor has been the skyrocketing violent crime in the City, which has made fans fear to walk the streets in/around the parks.  The Mayor has refused to acknowledge that crime is a factor.  He said that his crime statistics show that violence is down, once they made some administrative adjustments to the numbers.  And, he said that all crime in the City is attributable to pissed-off fans, who are sick and tired of losing, and hate being ridiculed by people from New York, LA, San Francisco, and even Peoria.

“It’s now embarrassing to wear any kind of Chicago sports jersey in public,” one Chicago alderman stated, realizing that departure is probably the best option.  “People mock jersey wearers, often screaming, ‘You Suck.’  How do you argue with that?  All you can say is, ‘You make a good point.'”

Davenport Iowa says they’d be willing to take the Bulls.  They still remember the Jordan years which ended 27 years ago, when ownership decided to embark on a rebuild program.  “You could have built 12 Hoover Dams in that timeframe,” one disgruntled ex-fan snarled.

Frankfort Kentucky says they’ll take a look at the Blackhawks.  No one there knows anything about ice hockey, but you’ve got to start somewhere.  Kentucky does not have any teams in the 4 professional sports now.  They make good bourbon in Frankfort and are thinking they could serve it at the games.  That may ease the transition from the team’s current level of malpractice.

The Bears may go back to Decatur, Illinois, where the franchise originally started as the Decatur Staleys in 1919.  Staley seems like a good name to return to, if they continue to be befuddled on offense and defense, as expected.

Three cities have expressed a desire for the Cubs, but only if they can dismantle Wrigley Field and reconstruct it in their town.  Experts say that the vines may not survive, but the trough-style urinals should be able to make the trip unscathed.

No one wants the White Sox.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but they seem pretty logical, right?

Bizarreville Nation:  we are happy to report that the next exciting satire novel has been released by Bizarreville Press.  It is called Come Looting With Me, and is a hilarious depiction of what can happen when liberal forces get a little too rambumctious about letting every crazy fringe group go wild in protesting every little thing.  And what can happen when governments allow vandalism and looting to accompany the so-called peaceful protests.  Trust me, it’s a fun read.  You can order the book very easily by just clicking on the book cover on the right, and it will take you directly to the Amazon site———————->

A new group has emerged who is providing a different perspective on the global environmental debate, particularly in regard to the growing amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.  The United Association of Trees has become very upset at measures trying to limit the amount of CO2 released, stating that these efforts to reduce CO2 are trying to strangulate our members, putting billions of trees and other botanicals at risk for survival.

A spokesman for the Trees reminds us that the trees have benefitted tremendously from the spewing of carbon dioxide from power plants, other factories, and automobiles in the past 50-plus years.  They particularly appreciate the huge growth in stinky diesel trucks, beloved by trees and plants of all shapes and sizes.  This windfall of CO2 has allowed trees, in particular, to reach record new heights and breadths, with tree leaves becoming greener than ever.

The Trees argue that there should be more emphasis put on the global oxygen footprint, which has exhibited a disturbing upward spiral nowadays.  They say that the escalation in humans planting more and more tree seedlings, improving irrigation practices, and implementing organic farming methods have contributed to this glut in oxygen.  The Trees warn that such a glut poses a long-term risk to their membership, and suggest humans consider allowing homeowners to resume burning leaves in their backyards, increase their use of fireplaces even when they are not needed for heat, and stop producing those darn electric cars.

Opponents point out that there is no way that the spokesman can actually communicate with actual trees, since trees cannot talk.  The Trees spokesman argues that the left-wing radicals who bellyache about CO2 footprint aren’t much better than trees when it comes to sensible talking.

Sour Grapes are being served at the Fumblina Ferris headquarters and the Liberal Party compound after the recent election.  Twelve different grape vendors have been summoned to provide the much needed sour grape selections.  Each supplier has diverse levels of sourness, pungentness, throat-burning heat, foul odor, and/or difficulty-to-swallow factor.  But some suppliers have been determined to have some “issues.”

The popular Blame Game Grapes Company has pointed out that the recent hospitalizations claiming grape food poisoning were not their fault.  They say that the incidents were caused from Old Man Grape Company switching grapes with them, substituting their old stale grapes from Blame Game’s fresh grapes in the supermarkets.  Blame Game says the Old Man’s were 81 years old, causing them to be worn out, stale, smelly, and undigestible.

The Economy Sour Grape Company grapes were determined to be excessively sour, almost like lemons, in spite of the company claiming they were actually borderline sweet.  The company execs were accused of being obnoxious, boldfaced liars… worse than a 36-handicap golfer at the 19th hole.

The Border Sour Grapes came from Mexico, and were washed in Montezuma Revenge water, that contained excessive levels of urine and fecal matter.  The company claimed the grapes were rewashed 17 times, but it turns out that no rewashing can eliminate the Montezuma factor that caused widespread GI problems in hundreds of communities.

Finally, the selections from the Disloyal Grape Company were disappointing because they were delivered in all kinds of different sizes, shapes, clone variety, and colors, with extraordinary levels of sourness and bitterness.  Most supporters want to punish Disloyal for producing such bizarre results, totally unexpected, totally unacceptable… almost like their people had a brain freeze or something.

Fortunately, there were sufficient Sour Grapes to go around, and put all the attendees into a sufficiently sour mood.  Many vow to stay in a sour mood for a long while, maybe even 4 years.  Grape companies have confirmed that they can provide the sour grapes to satisfy their sour needs forever, if necessary.

Candidate Fumblina Ferris just can’t help it.  She is a congenital liar, has been a liar her whole life, and her bold lying is the primary driver that has launched and elevated her career.  Now, she is calling her opponent a fascist, murderous, dictator, like a combination of Hitler, Stalin, Henry VIII, Caligula, and Vlad the Impaler.  She has no facts, none whatsoever, that back up her claim that her opponent, Mr. Frump, has impaled a single political rival, or beheaded a nasty TV anchor-person.  Nevertheless, she continues to run her Fake News TV commercials.  The latest one includes an audio clip of Frump’s former chief of staff who was fired for being a total bozo.  In the clip, the man says he was once threatened by Frump who said he would cut off his genitalia if he ever embarrasses him again in front of a Boy Scout troop by claiming he once applied to be a Girl Scout.

Ferris has also lied about Frump’s policies by stating that he favors tax breaks for people who actually pay taxes, and tax increases for people who don’t pay any tax at all.  Frump has repeatedly said that he feels the whole tax system needs an enema and has never said he favors one group of tax evaders over another.

Ferris further claims that Frump’s tax enema would not even be covered by his proposed Health Insurance policy, which negates pre-existing conditions.  Again, Frump says it’s all a big lie, and he would make enemas available to all.

At a Town Hall meeting, Ms. Ferris claimed that Mr. Frump wants to take away your toilets and replace them with outhouses.  Of course, there has been zero corroborating evidence on this toilet/outhouse claim, but she kept pressing the issue with her small Town Hall audience.  At one point she even claimed that Frump is anti-TP and is a non-wiper, to the horror of the audience.  Another lie.

Fortunately, the election is happening soon, and all this nonsense will come to an end.  We will all soon go back to watching Insurance commercials on TV and figure out how to save 15% on our rates.

After her botched interview with Fox News, Candidate Ferris began to notice a physiological change in her lower body.  It appears that her unwillingness to answer the correspondent’s questions and rambling into an incoherent series of babbles caused a partial meltdown of bone and muscle.  Ferris’ handlers say that she will not grant any more interviews prior to the election for fear of losing torso content.

Critics say this event is reminiscent of the scene from The Wizard of Oz when the Wicked Witch of the West experienced a full meltdown when hit with a bucket of cold water.  Some of the interview questions were certainly comparable to a bucket of cold water for such a reluctant interviewee.  But Ferris supporters have become incensed by the comparison, arguing that she is not a wicked witch like AOC, and only wants to bring joy to the middle class by giving them a lot of handouts.  And they say she’s always had a fondness for Toto… the dog and the band.  She is even considering adding a Doggie Care subsidy into her economic program, and may even cancel all current scooping regulations.

Some pundits say that it will be difficult for Ferris to campaign, given her partial meltdown status, and the mess she makes wherever she goes.  Her supporters say that is okay… she can always retreat to her basement and campaign like Biden did in the 2020 election.  Most people agree that keeping her hidden and away from microphones is her best strategy moving forward.

Investigations have concluded on the recent flub-up of the Bizarreville Secret Service to properly protect Ronald Harump as he spoke at his political rally.  As you know, Mr. Harump was shot in the ear as he was campaigning to become the next Mayor.  The Secret Service agents assigned to protect Mr. Harump were busy playing euchre when the assailant popped Mr. Harump.  One agent said he would have been watching more closely, but he had just been dealt 2 jacks and lost concentration for a minute.  His captain has said that that could happen to anyone who looked at his hand after receiving 2 jacks.

Many Harump supporters are blaming Mayor Badoinker for taking a lackadaisical approach to protecting a candidate from a rival party.  They call for the firing of the Secret Service agency and replacing them with a secret service outfit that is more competent, and a company where people have at least a high school diploma.

“Why should we expect the Secret Service people to have a higher intelligence level than the people who they are protecting?” the Mayor snarked back, even though he knows that Harump has a couple college degrees and a track record of finagling and shmoozmanship.

The Mayor knows, however, that he will face considerable backlash.  After all, the shooter was wearing a green and orange jumpsuit, and a cowbell as he climbed on top of the nearby building, then was seen doing the macarena as he sauntered across the roof.  He was even using his assault rifle as a dance partner.  It gives the distinct impression that the Secret Service agents were under orders from the Mayor to ignore any threats stemming from left-wing jailbirds, anti-Harumpers, or bad dancers.

Candidate Harump is expected to fully recover from the shooting, although the top of his ear my remain malformed.  His staff is not concerned because Harump can always grow his hair longer and cover up the disfigured ear.  But Harump himself says he may just keep the injured ear apparent, so that citizens can see what the Mayor and his incompetent bozos did to him.  When Harump suggested he may put a sign on his back with an arrow pointing to the ear, and sarcastically saying, “Thanks for this, Mayor,” his staff advised that was a little over the top.

Here are a few open mic excerpts as Candidate Ferris practiced her rally speech during a recreational afternoon break:

“I never asked a murderer or a burglar who I was prosecuting as a District Attorney whether he was a Democrat or a Republican.  I only asked him if he was comfortable, needed a pillow, or a bottle of Fuji water while he was sitting in those hard chairs in the courtroom, wearing his itchy prison garb.  And I never asked an illegal alien climbing under a fence whether she was Democrat or Republican.  I only asked her if I could call her an Uber to take her to a nice hotel in Funkytown paid for by the government… maybe call Taco Bell to get her a couple chimichangas for the ride… hey, maybe even sneak her a pint of tequila out of my personal stash.  You see, that’s the difference between my opponent and me.  I want to show compassion, no matter who you are.  My opponent only shows compassion if you’re a billionaire golfer-type.  I mean, I like billionaires, too, but I usually go for the non-golfer types and treat them to an afternoon tea service and a game of croquet.  I try to keep the Press out of those meetings so that I maintain my image of mostly just supporting the dirt bags of society.  They’re the ones I’m going to give tax breaks to… even though they technically don’t pay any taxes.  May be tough to pull that off.  Perhaps just give them a free backyard croquet set and call it Even.”

Sam Shlubby, the owner and general manager of Shlubby’s Supermarket, has announced a new store policy, in response to customer complaints about the long lines at the checkout counter.  Shlubby’s Supermarket will only accept Food Stamps for the purchase of healthy, generic grocery items.  Sam feels this will cut down on the number of Food Stamp customers checking out with carts heaping with junk food that slows the whole process.  Sam reminds us that the original purpose of the Food Stamp program was to prevent poor, unmotivated people from starving to death… not to load up on nacho-flavored taco chips, Pepsi products, lobster tails, beef jerky, Twinkies, and Ding Dongs.  His new policy will zip the Food Stampers through the checkout lanes much faster, and provide less of an irritation to cash buyers who have, generally speaking, had to work to pay the grocery bill.

Critics point out that, with this speedy checkout process, cash customers will have less time to peruse the tabloid magazines, chewing gum displays, cheese doodles, pork rinds, lip balm, Payday bars, and other impulse items stacked and piled-up at the checkout counter.  These, of course, are high-profit items for the store, and never included on anyone’s grocery list ahead of time.  Sam says that if the lines move too quickly, he can always shut down a lane or two, and lay off those workers.  It’s a balancing act.

Sam says that the other benefit of the policy is to move those low-end, generic grocery items better.  Discerning buyers have tended to ignore the SamCo hamburger buns, the SamCo olives, the SamCo chicken thighs, and the SamCo canned spaghetti, opting for the name brands instead.  “Now, we will have a captive audience for our slow-moving generic brands, so that we don’t have to throw the stuff out after they sit on the shelf for 6 or 7 months,” Sam says.

Mr. Shlubby expects to hear bellyaching from Food Stampers who say they’ve already been stopped from buying cigarettes, dope, box wine, and Old Cleveland whiskey with the Stamps.  They will claim discrimination, racism, anti-Semitism, homophobia, hobophobia, fashion prejudice, or whatever the phobia-du-jour is popular at the time.  Sam just hopes that, if they do protest, they keep their clothes on.  He doesn’t want to gross-out the cash customers.

Vice-Mayor Fumblina Ferris has thrown her hat into the ring to run for Mayor in the upcoming election.  Most voters are surprised that she plans to run, considering her abysmal performance as Vice-Mayor, one of the worst, most lackadaisical efforts in the City’s history.  There are 6,713 candidates who are better qualified, according to Party members.  Nevertheless, she believes she can fool the voting public by using TV commercials to make it look like she actually did something while in office… such as reducing Insulin costs at Herb’s Drug Store.

Her biggest challenge will be to answer why so many bums, vagrants, and hobos have illegally immigrated into the City.  The Mayor had put Ferris in charge of securing the City Outskirts to limit the bum influx, maybe even considering building a wall.  But Ferris never took that role seriously, and actually encouraged bum migration by offering them free begging pans, and dry-erase boards for their “No job, No home, No hope” signs… as long as they would just promise to vote Democrat.

Rumors are that Ferris has a soft spot for vagrants.  Early in her life, when attending Law School, she allegedly slept with a number of hobos at their encampments in the trainyard.  They say that she would help cook roasted squirrel over the campfire, before hitting the sack with Boxcar Bruno or Shifty McSnuff.  There she learned how to be empathetic to society’s underbelly… literally walking in their shoes… when she would trade shoes with other girls in the hobo camp.  Ferris has denied these stories, saying, “I’ll say this again.  I did NOT have sexual relations with that man, Mr. Boxcar Bruno.  These allegations are false, and I need to go back to work for the Bizarreville people.”  Could be a plagiarism charge there.

Over Fumblina’s objections, Mayor Badoinker recently moved most of the City’s bum population to the Downtown Orphanage, in order to provide the children with a parent-figure, as well as cleaning up the messy streets.  Ms. Ferris fought to allow the vagrants to keep their independence and freedom.  But critics say she only fought this because of the restrictive visitation policies at the Orphanage.

The Bizarreville Transportation Authority (BTA) is in the process of citing the NPC media with reckless endangerment, which could put some of their top executives in prison for up to 10 years.

As everyone knows, the NPC media is comprised of all the left-wing nitwit news agencies such as NBC, CBS, NPR, CNN, and others who have all adopted a practice of regurgitating the same old sorry talking points in their newscasts, and boring people to sleep.  The danger arises when citizens are driving their cars, riding their bicycles, mowing their lawns, or walking across the street, and suddenly doze off from the monotonous drones from the NPC’s.  387 people have been injured this year, some very seriously, while listening to the treacherous dullness.

The NPC media members have been warned in the past to place a disclaimer at the beginning of every boring newscast, warning that the contents can cause drowsiness, and listeners should not operate any heavy equipment.  But, because no one enforces the rules, the laws are ignored.  The NPC media continues their dusty speech reruns, with no concern for the damage they are doing, especially to the soft-skulls in their listening audience.

The BTA will put a quick stop to the madness and force all media outlets to become at least semi-interesting, or spend time in the clink.  They say they are tired of pussyfooting around with these brainless wonders, and plan to hold them accountable to coming up with creative material that uses no cliches, no rehashed buzzwords, no worn-out phrases of sheer nothingness.

A media insider has revealed that these expectations will be difficult, if not impossible, to meet.  The major media companies have stopped hiring reporters and correspondents with any inkling of intelligence in order to save money.  Instead, they have staffed-up with robot-like message regurgitators trained to follow orders.  But they are hoping that Artificial Intelligence will bail them out, if they can ever figure out how to get the damn thing to work.