bizarreville

Some concerned citizens have begun feeling that the President is oblivious to the causes of rampant inflation and the self-destruction of the economy.  His recent responses in press conferences have been bewildering, to say the least, making many to wonder if he is competent to do the job of being the supreme leader of the free world, and the protector of the concept of human liberty.

Many questioned his mental state when he said that the current 10 percent inflation rate was the result of greed… such as charging 15 bucks for a beer at an NFL football game, or 12 bucks for a lousy bucket of popcorn at your favorite movie theater.  He then said the 60 percent increase in gasoline prices is because people are hording gas, storing it in hundreds of gas cans in their garages, and in some cases, their swimming pools.  And the recent lack of baby formula availability?  All being caused by geriatrics drinking it, instead of Ensure, because they say it tastes better.

The President claims we are not headed for a recession, but just a hiccup in economic growth.  He says he gets rid of hiccups by standing on his head and pretending to be riding a bicycle upside down.  Suggests everyone in the country stop whatever they are doing, and immediately adopt this behavior… and you’ll see, things will begin to look better.  Upside down, but better.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but could become true in the future, at this rate.

With Russia’s invasion of Ukraine now entering the 6th week, President Vlad Putin is now under new financial pressures.  S&P has lowered Russia’s bond rating to junk status, and proclaimed that default is imminent, with virtually no prospect of recovery.  The Russian economy is already on the ropes due to the stack of sanctions leveled upon them.  The Russian ruble has become almost worthless.

Critics have wondered why Putin was motivated to take military action on Ukraine, given the financial disaster he has plummeted his country into.  Some pundits have speculated that it was his fear that Ukraine was continually leaning toward becoming a Western economy, and Putin just could not stomach that proposition.  Others have suggested that reason was too idiotic, and there must be a more logical reason.

Bizarreville Moon News has gotten information from Moscow sources that Putin’s real reason was far simpler.  Vlad has a hankering for a certain Ukranian Pilsner brewed in Kyiv, and he had commissioned a modern-day Smokey & the Bandit twosome to go grab a truckload and bring him the suds pronto.  Unfortunately, Smokey won this particular episode.  The truck was stopped in Donbas and forced to return the brew to Kyiv.  Vlad’s thirst remained unquenched, and this angered the dictator, prompting him to make the invasion.  He particularly wanted to punish the people in Donbas, where the stop was made.  Some of his non-beer drinking Central Committee members argued that this incident did not merit such a drastic response; obviously those members were sent to Gulags in Siberia.

Secret negotiations continue to resolve the Pilsner conflict, but at this point, Ukrainians are unwilling to share their beer with the vodka crowd in Russia.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but are often close to being true.

The COVID vaccination rate appears to be plateauing around 70 percent, leaving 30 percent of the adult population steadfastly refusing to accept vaccines.  And now, with the emergence of the dangerous Delta variant, hospital admissions have spiked for these unvaccinated hardheads, who still believe the vaccines are unproven in spite of overwhelming data to the contrary.  Communities across the nation are reinstating mask requirements, even for the vaccinated people.  Many people are outraged, and feel that there should be mandatory vaccination requirements instituted for the morons who currently refuse the shots, rather than go backwards on masks.

The Bizarreville Civil Liberties Union (BCLU) has come forward, reminding us that people in this country have the constitutional right to be morons.  It is written, according to the BCLU, in one of the footnotes buried in the Bill of Rights… a footnote that is often not printed in books because the font is so small.  It reads:

“No federal, state, or local government shall have the right to prevent citizens from being morons.  Congress shall make no law restricting moronic freedoms, or limiting people’s fundamental right to be stupid.”

The BCLU also notes that the first draft of the Declaration of Independence originally had the phrase:                    “…endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so long as it did not entail being a moron…”

Of course, that last portion was changed in the final draft, as we all know.  Many historians believe that if the founders would have seen this massive reluctance to take a proven COVID vaccine to help the health of the nation, they would have left the moron thing in the finished document.

Many hospitals are now building Moron Wings to address the new COVID crisis, while also realizing that there will be other epidemics/pandemics in the future that will require medical treatment for unvaccinated morons.  They plan to staff these wings with people who flunked out of medical school, but had at least gained some medical knowledge along the way.  Close enough for the patients in this wing.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, especially the part about wishful footnotes in historical documents.

After totally screwing up last week’s “Town Hall” meeting, the President has told his handlers to not schedule any more public speaking events.  His staff had previously thought that the totally-scripted town hall would be pud for the President to handle.  All he had to do was follow the scripted answers to the pre-selected softball questions, and get off the stage.  Unfortunately, the President got confused, fumbled all his answered, babbled, and looked like a moron.  Even his closest supporters, the national media, admitted that the White House Janitor could have done a better job.

Staff members agreed that the best thing for him to do was to stay cooped-up in the White House, away from cameras, and more importantly, away from microphones.  They suggested that he communicate via Twitter, with all his entries composed by senior left-wing staffers.  They say that the Twitter precedent was already set by the previous President.  And, while the previous President was soundly criticized by the media for using this format, the current President should be able to pull it off by continually showing his wokeness in his messaging.

Insiders also suggest he spend more time at the Delaware White House with the dogs.  Dogs love him, regardless of what he says or does, as long as he keeps feeding them bacon-flavored doggie treats.  They are always there to lick his hand, reminding him that there is someone who still loves him.  But keep those treats handy, pal.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in spite of what the media says.

One of our best novels to come from Bizarreville Press has just been published:  Fork.  It is a whimsical tale that will take you on a journey to a place not so far away, where the word “Fork” has been banned from public speech due to its sound similarity to other banned f-words.  On top of that, the fork utensil has been banned from public usage after an outbreak of fork-related stabbings that have left many citizens with 4-hole scars in their upper back.  The challenge to come up with a fork-alternative has been left up to Ganky Gizmos, an innovative company that has recently developed a range of clever products.  But replacing the simple utility of the fork will be their biggest challenge yet.  Join them, as they hilariously try to navigate their way through the chaos.

You can purchase the book, easy-peasy.  Just click on the book cover in the right column ——->

The military was put on special alert last week when a strange buzzing sound emanated from the White House.  At first, staff members believed it was a swarm of killer bees, whose eggs may have been sneakily planted by the previous Administration before their departure.  Etymologists were quickly brought in, but were unable to find any killer bees, or any other bees for that matter.

Next, they suspected that there could be an invasion underway by the Chainsaw Liberation Army, a fringe left-wing environmental group opposed to the cutting of any trees.  The President had promised a total ban on tree-cutting during his 2020 campaign, that had gained the support of tree-huggers across the nation.  Thus far, however, he had done nothing to stop sawmills and paper companies from daily harvests.  All areas of the White House were checked; no chainsaws were found.

Finally, the White House Janitor was able to solve the mystery.  He had inadvertently entered the Private Residence, and saw the President sleeping on the job.  Further investigation found the Vice President, the entire Presidential Cabinet, most of the Secret Service and senior staff members similarly sawing logs, in order to show their full support of the President, and follow his lead.

The Janitor was able to grab an air horn in the supplies closet, and blasted it to wake up the dozers.  The buzzing stopped at that time, and the military was able to stand down.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least when originally reported.

The President announced that he just signed an Executive Order that immediately cancels one of the Ten Commandments, the one that prohibits bearing false witness against your neighbor.  By doing this, he cuts the Commandments down to Nine.  He has requested a $37 billion budget to make changes to Bibles, posters, signs, wall hangings, paintings, and stone tablets.

“The Commandment dealing with Lying is an ancient concept developed thousands of years ago,” the President stated.  “It no longer applies to salvation in the modern progressive world that we now live in.  And, for that matter, it is… wait a minute, I lost my train of thought.  Oh well, never mind, you know what I mean…  What were we talking about again?”

Of course, the President has a rich, 60-year history of lying.  He has been forced to admit to lying an estimated 46 thousand times, as he knelt in the confessional.  His latest string of lying about the horrendous situation at the Mexican border, the specifics of the new Georgia Voter Fraud Elimination law, the content of his socialist-inspired economic program, his personal role in making the COVID vaccine happen, and the demented state of his own mental health has become problematic with more and more citizens.  He has continued to say, “What’s the big deal?  Everyone lies.  Everyone knows that politicians lie.  Here’s the deal:  lie and get elected; tell the truth and lose.  Simple math, people.”

When asked about modifying such an important historical document, the President said that everything needs an update now and then.

Some will remember former President Clinton had once tried to eliminate the Adultery Commandment, but got too much pushback from staff members who were believers in fidelity.

Insiders say that eliminating the No Lying Commandment and taking it out of the salvation equation takes the pressure off, and will allow him even more freedom to belt out despicable untruths, blatant deceits, dishonest orders, and bizarre falsehoods… all necessary to make his agenda palatable to the public.

“Joe is the best liar we have in our Party,” one Insider said.  “We want him to feel more comfortable, and put his mind at ease… especially as he gets closer to… well, closer to you-know-what… Beeeeeepppppp.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and have not been approved by anyone important.

The President, with his recent launching of dozens of nonsensical Executive Orders and autocratic proclamations, his incoherent Press Conference, and his obvious inability to think clearly on important matters such as the crisis at the southern border, absurd proposals to eliminate security checks on voting, and reckless government spending, has made it clear to even many of his supporters that he is on course to become the country’s First Vegetable.  Many of his own staff are worried that propping the guy up on a podium in a nice blue suit, and having him bumble his way through all his speeches while losing track of what the hell he is even saying, are not fooling sensible Americans anymore.  Many of the 80-million people who voted for the guy are now smashing their heads against the wall, screaming, “What was I thinking??”

Naturally, no one wants to see him forced to leave office, and elevate the Vice President to the Presidency.  In addition to having no leadership skill whatsoever, she is an avowed Socialist who envisions the country becoming the next Venezuela.  She has been to Venezuela, and said, “It’s not so bad.  They’ve got great coffee down there.”

The President was accused of “massive lying” during the Press Conference as he reported totally incorrect facts and reprehensible, untrue information about the Mexican border crisis, particularly in regard to the thousands and thousands of children being held in horrible condition.  “The President was not lying,” one high-level staff member replied.  “He is just totally unaware of any real facts.  You cannot call him dishonest when he gets stuff jumbled up a bit in his mind.  Totally unfair.”

Fortunately, the First Vegetable has a staff of people reporting to him that prepares his cue cards and notebooks, and helps him with decisions.  During one Oval Office meeting, while the President was inadvertently wetting his pants, a junior staff member subtly ushered him off to his private restroom before a puddle developed.  Close call.  Nice move.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but are getting closer and closer to being true all the time.

The President showed-off his physical dexterity yesterday in a dull speech broadcast on his favorite TV cable station.  As you know, many citizens have been concerned about the President’s physical and mental shortcomings since being elected.  Last night, while still leaving doubt on the mental side, he showed the world that he was quite skilled at one physical maneuver.

The President demonstrated over and over again that he was able to pat himself on the back without really straining at all.  He took full credit for the ability to get citizens inoculated with the COVID vaccine.  He praised himself that he singlehandedly, through his personal drive, has been able to get the shots to people in increasing numbers.  And, because of his skillful work pressuring the drug companies, assured that everyone would be able to get their doses by May.

Unfortunately, with all the back-patting, he caused further disruption to his already precarious mental condition.  It was evident, as he forgot to mention that the previous Administration had produced literally a modern miracle to get the vaccines developed, tested, proven, mass produced, and mass distributed under the Warp Speed Program.  He had also forgotten that the citizens were being vaccinated at a rate in excess of 1 million per week before Joe even took office.  Instead, he believed that he had actually developed the whole vaccine program himself in a lab in his basement.

“Short-term memory loss is common in people like the President who are drifting downward in their mental faculties,” a doctor who specializes in mental disorders commented, as he watched the stumbling, bumbling speech on TV.  “Hey, if he can put together a coherent sentence or two, that is encouraging that he’s not yet a total vegetable.  Look at the bright side.  He did fine reaching around and patting himself on the back without anyone instructing him how to do it.”

The Executive staff is now preparing a speech on the President’s “amazing accomplishments” on immigration at the southern border.  This will further show his back-patting prowess… either that, or his head wedging skill… another proof of his superior dexterity.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, although some are now rated fiction-ish.

Sure, it was a formality, but one that was welcomed by the new House and Senate leadership.  Yesterday, all the  Democratic Senate and House members signed a pledge to park their brains at the door, and just vote however Pelosi and Schumer instructed them to vote.  Each and every one of them signed the one-page pledge to ensure party unity and expedite the lawmaking process, in the face of Republican opposition on everything to be proposed.  And, since their left-drooping brains are on the shallow-side anyway, there was no downside to the rubber stamping process… anything they would suggest would most likely be lame.

“I’m happy about it,” one junior Senator confided.  “It used to be that my staff and I would spend hours and hours and hours reading all the mumbo-jumbo in these proposed laws.  Frankly, I didn’t understand most of it… not just because of my low-IQ… but mostly because reading makes me sleepy.  The fact is, we have professionals writing this stuff, they all do a good job supposably(sic).  So what’s the diff?  We’re all going to vote for it anyway.  With the time I same, I can spend a lot more energy on my matchbook collection.  You know, I have over 5 thousand of them on display in my Rec Room.  Really.”

Republicans are not surprised by the pledge, knowing that the Democratic congresspeople have not thought for themselves for decades.  “Once you forget how to think,” one Republican congressman mentioned, “it’s awfully hard to restart that stalled engine.  Better to just park that sled.”

Pundits say that the only long-term solution to this brain-parking problem is term limits.  But, unfortunately, that is unlikely to happen, since the dum-dums themselves would have to change their own rules.  And, while these morons are pretty stupid when it comes to lawmaking, they are certainly savvy enough not to auto-pink slip themselves… especially considering they are not competent of doing much of anything else of value with their lives in the real world.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but some are under study for becoming real.

Professors at Bumfunk College have come forward and criticized all the liberal national media, particularly CNN, MSNBC, ABC, and CBS for their excessive use of Fake News, Fake Analysis, contrived data, unsubstantiated quotes from mystery sources, and their total disregard for anything resembling proper journalism.  The Profs say that a little false information is understandable and, frankly, important to the advancement of left-wing agendas.  But the new crop of “reporters” have gone too far.  Now the whole liberal cause is in jeopardy of unraveling, as the public has begun to distrust their over-the-top fictionalized stories.

A liberal whack job on the “Morning Shmoes” TV show replied that lies are necessary to put an end to the Conservative movement, the Tea Party, and the Free Speech initiative… all organizations that stand in the way of socialism.  Truth in reporting does not deliver the needed punch to awaken those misguided souls on the right.  The ends justify the means, as everybody who is anybody knows.

“Besides, college professors should talk about lying…they lie about what’s going to be on the Final, lie about grading on the curve, lie that the pathetic course they are teaching you has some degree of importance in the rest of your life.  Fortunately, thankfully, they have at least told the truth that capitalism sucks and Marxism is the superior framework for the future.  Most still keep a portrait of Karl in their home offices, for perspective when they get confused after looking at their 401-K statement, or after eating a prime rib dinner at the Club.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as far as we know.

As promised in his campaign, President Biden has opened the floodgates, bypassing all procedures, for ushering illegal immigrants into the country.  His staff members believe there are millions of people who were unfairly stopped cold by the previous Administration because they had gang connections, criminal histories, sexual trafficking charges, and/or drug cartel links.  “It’s just another example of how the previous Administration discriminated against individuals just because they were not ‘squeaky clean’ in some of their behaviors,” one senior official commented.

The Biden Administration also said they were going to enact new rules on deportation.  Minor crimes such as simple assault, fraud, mugging, money laundering, tax evasion, or sex solicitation are not serious enough to warrant throwing a person or family back to the slums of their home country, where they would wreak even more havoc there.  No, these minor violators will just be placed in counseling sessions to help them realize that their misbehavior history was not their fault.

ICE officials have been ordered to blast 74 holes in Trump’s new wall in order to facilitate the free flow of immigrants entering the country.  The ICE members have been cautioned to smile and be nice to the immigrants.  Any frowny faces or snarky attitudes could risk termination of their employment, or reassignment to a desk job in DC.

The President has also pledged to give instant citizenship status to the 15 million illegals in the country now.  He has said, however, that he needs a little more time, because there could be a million or two hard-core criminals… convicted murderers, rapists, armed robbers, and lawn mowers who cut too short… who may or may not be eligible for the fast track.

There is much to be done to open things up, and the President’s team is raring to go.  Meanwhile, the President is taking a nap.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and some are also classified as Fake News.