bizarreville

Recent poll results show that 74 percent of Americans feel that the country is headed in the wrong direction… pointing out worries about massive inflation, skyrocketing interest rates, the doubling of violent crime in cities, and over 2 million illegal immigrants entering the country from Mexico this year.  Citizens are suffering more than they have ever suffered in their lives.  Some have said they’d rather have COVID than have to deal with such incompetence in the leadership of the country.  Sadly, many people have gotten stuck with both.

The Administration has responded that everyone needs to buck-up, because it could be a whole lot worse.  There were times in the not-too-distant past where citizens had to deal with horse manure piling up in the streets, no fresh doughnuts, social pressure to smoke cigarettes, and going Bowling as your “big night out on the town.”  No one is making you go bowling now.

Pundits point out that the Administration just seems to be befuddled on what to do.  The current mess is not unlike the Jimmy Carter malaise years, whose team wrote the book on incompetent befuddlement.  Many of the President’s closest advisors now admit that they dozed through their Economics class in college, and never quite understood all those crazy Supply & Demand graphs that kept crossing over each other.  But they woke up when the left-wind professor described the wonderful benefits of taxing normal people out the ying-yang, while giving free rides to the social underbelly to even things out.

The Administration believes that focusing on increased taxes represents the least-bad path forward.  The advisors argue that if you levy high taxes on everyone, they will likely get so pissed-off that they will forget about all those other problems.

A minority of people still believe that the President will pick a path to get us back on our feet, citing that even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while.  They just need to make sure that the blind squirrel doesn’t get run over by the lawnmower during his dinner.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least when originally written.

There has been reporting about the Democrats’ fraudulent naming of the recent “Inflation Reduction Act” that was recently signed by the President.  Opponents correctly point out that the bill has nothing whatsoever to do with reducing inflation, and it is criminal for these rogue lawmakers to lie to people and fool them into believing that it would address inflation.  Even the liberal defenders of the huge spending act wink and smile about the naming.  But how does such deceit happen in a country that believes in truth and honesty?

Our intrepid reporters have gone underground and have discovered the story about how the bill was named.  Turns out, originally the bill was to be called The Greenie Whackos Payoff Act (GWPA).  This would have been a name that, frankly, would be 100 percent truthful and would have focused the public’s attention on the need to bolster support for the Climate Change fervor among the radical green-heads.  When the House leaders brought in the Greenie-Cause leaders to discuss the legislation, there was unhappiness about the name.  The Green leaders said the name made it sound like they were being bribed for providing support and cooking-up votes for the Democrats running for Congress.  It made them look bad, when all they were trying to do was save the planet from immediate self-destruction… especially important, since most of them pretty much knew they were ultimately headed for Satan’s Barbeque Party in the hereafter.

It looked like they were all at an impasse, when a low-level clerk brought in a newspaper which had a headline reading, “Inflation Currently at 40-year High.”  They quickly read the story, then decided that inflation would be the topic of the new law.  After all, who would know the difference… among the people who really matter, anyway?  They got out the white-out, and within 10 minutes, the name was changed.

One House member felt a little guilty about lying to the nation, since the new name had nothing to do with the contents inside.  So, they amended the bill to add a miniscule item that would have a 0.0001% reduction in inflation by the 9th year.  He felt better after that, and could proudly say they were telling the truth-ish.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, until proven otherwise.

With the doubling of violent crime in the country’s large cities, it has become clear to everyone that the root cause of the problem is the negligent performance of the District Attorneys in the Cities.  These morons have essentially stopped prosecuting criminals, claiming that the thugs are not to blame for their misbehaviors… that it is Society’s fault for allowing them to become thugs in the first place.  Rather than punishing them, the DA’s have been providing the culprits with stimulus checks, extra food stamps, and Disney World tickets to compensate them for lives of mistreatment.

Citizens in some cities have begun to protest the lack of law & order enforcement, and have begun to Recall the errant DA’s, hoping to replace them with new DA’s who will ramp up prosecutions on violent offenders.  Many citizens would like to return to the Three Strikes and You’re Out policy, rather than the current policy of 47 Strikes and We’ll See.  The Recall actions are being challenged by the George Soros organization, who had put up millions of dollars in campaign financing for this brand of Progressive/Lenient-on-steroids District Attorney, and would hate to see all that money going down the drain.

“Science has shown that locking-up criminals just make them go crazier than they already were,” a Soros spokesman explained, while standing behind a heavy iron gate.  “We must give them freedom to work out their anxieties, confront life’s realities, and purchase their preferred brand of dope.  Otherwise, the problems will just keep getting worse.”

It is just a question of time before the rest of the Cities join the Recall movement, and throw out their lame DA’s.  In the meantime, iron gate contractors report that business has never been better.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but sound awfully real.

Senator Chuck Schumer had become frustrated with the lack of public interest lately in the ridiculous Pelosi pseudo-hearings related to the Capitol riot, and decided to try a little insurrection of his own, inciting citizens to protest and threaten Supreme Court Justices.  He warned the Justices in a speech that “you will pay the price” for doing your job and following the Constitution.  One crazy lunatic listened to the Senator, and attempted to do violence on Justice Kavanaugh.

“Sadly,” according to a spokesperson for Senator Schumer, “the brave individual was apprehended before he could carry out his protest.  Now, come on, he wasn’t really going to shoot anyone.  He was just carrying the pistol in case he got mugged along the way.  Have you seen the crime statistics in DC lately?”

Schumer supporters insist that the Senator was not trying to incite violence, and that the “pay the price” comment merely related to the Over/Under prop bet on how many Justices would favor overturning Roe v. Wade.  The line is 5.5, but money seems to be moving to the Under… much to Schumer’s chagrin.  Schumer, according to sources went with the Over.  And he hates losing.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as far as we know.

Some concerned citizens have begun feeling that the President is oblivious to the causes of rampant inflation and the self-destruction of the economy.  His recent responses in press conferences have been bewildering, to say the least, making many to wonder if he is competent to do the job of being the supreme leader of the free world, and the protector of the concept of human liberty.

Many questioned his mental state when he said that the current 10 percent inflation rate was the result of greed… such as charging 15 bucks for a beer at an NFL football game, or 12 bucks for a lousy bucket of popcorn at your favorite movie theater.  He then said the 60 percent increase in gasoline prices is because people are hording gas, storing it in hundreds of gas cans in their garages, and in some cases, their swimming pools.  And the recent lack of baby formula availability?  All being caused by geriatrics drinking it, instead of Ensure, because they say it tastes better.

The President claims we are not headed for a recession, but just a hiccup in economic growth.  He says he gets rid of hiccups by standing on his head and pretending to be riding a bicycle upside down.  Suggests everyone in the country stop whatever they are doing, and immediately adopt this behavior… and you’ll see, things will begin to look better.  Upside down, but better.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but could become true in the future, at this rate.

With Russia’s invasion of Ukraine now entering the 6th week, President Vlad Putin is now under new financial pressures.  S&P has lowered Russia’s bond rating to junk status, and proclaimed that default is imminent, with virtually no prospect of recovery.  The Russian economy is already on the ropes due to the stack of sanctions leveled upon them.  The Russian ruble has become almost worthless.

Critics have wondered why Putin was motivated to take military action on Ukraine, given the financial disaster he has plummeted his country into.  Some pundits have speculated that it was his fear that Ukraine was continually leaning toward becoming a Western economy, and Putin just could not stomach that proposition.  Others have suggested that reason was too idiotic, and there must be a more logical reason.

Bizarreville Moon News has gotten information from Moscow sources that Putin’s real reason was far simpler.  Vlad has a hankering for a certain Ukranian Pilsner brewed in Kyiv, and he had commissioned a modern-day Smokey & the Bandit twosome to go grab a truckload and bring him the suds pronto.  Unfortunately, Smokey won this particular episode.  The truck was stopped in Donbas and forced to return the brew to Kyiv.  Vlad’s thirst remained unquenched, and this angered the dictator, prompting him to make the invasion.  He particularly wanted to punish the people in Donbas, where the stop was made.  Some of his non-beer drinking Central Committee members argued that this incident did not merit such a drastic response; obviously those members were sent to Gulags in Siberia.

Secret negotiations continue to resolve the Pilsner conflict, but at this point, Ukrainians are unwilling to share their beer with the vodka crowd in Russia.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but are often close to being true.

The COVID vaccination rate appears to be plateauing around 70 percent, leaving 30 percent of the adult population steadfastly refusing to accept vaccines.  And now, with the emergence of the dangerous Delta variant, hospital admissions have spiked for these unvaccinated hardheads, who still believe the vaccines are unproven in spite of overwhelming data to the contrary.  Communities across the nation are reinstating mask requirements, even for the vaccinated people.  Many people are outraged, and feel that there should be mandatory vaccination requirements instituted for the morons who currently refuse the shots, rather than go backwards on masks.

The Bizarreville Civil Liberties Union (BCLU) has come forward, reminding us that people in this country have the constitutional right to be morons.  It is written, according to the BCLU, in one of the footnotes buried in the Bill of Rights… a footnote that is often not printed in books because the font is so small.  It reads:

“No federal, state, or local government shall have the right to prevent citizens from being morons.  Congress shall make no law restricting moronic freedoms, or limiting people’s fundamental right to be stupid.”

The BCLU also notes that the first draft of the Declaration of Independence originally had the phrase:                    “…endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, so long as it did not entail being a moron…”

Of course, that last portion was changed in the final draft, as we all know.  Many historians believe that if the founders would have seen this massive reluctance to take a proven COVID vaccine to help the health of the nation, they would have left the moron thing in the finished document.

Many hospitals are now building Moron Wings to address the new COVID crisis, while also realizing that there will be other epidemics/pandemics in the future that will require medical treatment for unvaccinated morons.  They plan to staff these wings with people who flunked out of medical school, but had at least gained some medical knowledge along the way.  Close enough for the patients in this wing.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, especially the part about wishful footnotes in historical documents.

After totally screwing up last week’s “Town Hall” meeting, the President has told his handlers to not schedule any more public speaking events.  His staff had previously thought that the totally-scripted town hall would be pud for the President to handle.  All he had to do was follow the scripted answers to the pre-selected softball questions, and get off the stage.  Unfortunately, the President got confused, fumbled all his answered, babbled, and looked like a moron.  Even his closest supporters, the national media, admitted that the White House Janitor could have done a better job.

Staff members agreed that the best thing for him to do was to stay cooped-up in the White House, away from cameras, and more importantly, away from microphones.  They suggested that he communicate via Twitter, with all his entries composed by senior left-wing staffers.  They say that the Twitter precedent was already set by the previous President.  And, while the previous President was soundly criticized by the media for using this format, the current President should be able to pull it off by continually showing his wokeness in his messaging.

Insiders also suggest he spend more time at the Delaware White House with the dogs.  Dogs love him, regardless of what he says or does, as long as he keeps feeding them bacon-flavored doggie treats.  They are always there to lick his hand, reminding him that there is someone who still loves him.  But keep those treats handy, pal.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, in spite of what the media says.

One of our best novels to come from Bizarreville Press has just been published:  Fork.  It is a whimsical tale that will take you on a journey to a place not so far away, where the word “Fork” has been banned from public speech due to its sound similarity to other banned f-words.  On top of that, the fork utensil has been banned from public usage after an outbreak of fork-related stabbings that have left many citizens with 4-hole scars in their upper back.  The challenge to come up with a fork-alternative has been left up to Ganky Gizmos, an innovative company that has recently developed a range of clever products.  But replacing the simple utility of the fork will be their biggest challenge yet.  Join them, as they hilariously try to navigate their way through the chaos.

You can purchase the book, easy-peasy.  Just click on the book cover in the right column ——->

The military was put on special alert last week when a strange buzzing sound emanated from the White House.  At first, staff members believed it was a swarm of killer bees, whose eggs may have been sneakily planted by the previous Administration before their departure.  Etymologists were quickly brought in, but were unable to find any killer bees, or any other bees for that matter.

Next, they suspected that there could be an invasion underway by the Chainsaw Liberation Army, a fringe left-wing environmental group opposed to the cutting of any trees.  The President had promised a total ban on tree-cutting during his 2020 campaign, that had gained the support of tree-huggers across the nation.  Thus far, however, he had done nothing to stop sawmills and paper companies from daily harvests.  All areas of the White House were checked; no chainsaws were found.

Finally, the White House Janitor was able to solve the mystery.  He had inadvertently entered the Private Residence, and saw the President sleeping on the job.  Further investigation found the Vice President, the entire Presidential Cabinet, most of the Secret Service and senior staff members similarly sawing logs, in order to show their full support of the President, and follow his lead.

The Janitor was able to grab an air horn in the supplies closet, and blasted it to wake up the dozers.  The buzzing stopped at that time, and the military was able to stand down.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, at least when originally reported.

The President announced that he just signed an Executive Order that immediately cancels one of the Ten Commandments, the one that prohibits bearing false witness against your neighbor.  By doing this, he cuts the Commandments down to Nine.  He has requested a $37 billion budget to make changes to Bibles, posters, signs, wall hangings, paintings, and stone tablets.

“The Commandment dealing with Lying is an ancient concept developed thousands of years ago,” the President stated.  “It no longer applies to salvation in the modern progressive world that we now live in.  And, for that matter, it is… wait a minute, I lost my train of thought.  Oh well, never mind, you know what I mean…  What were we talking about again?”

Of course, the President has a rich, 60-year history of lying.  He has been forced to admit to lying an estimated 46 thousand times, as he knelt in the confessional.  His latest string of lying about the horrendous situation at the Mexican border, the specifics of the new Georgia Voter Fraud Elimination law, the content of his socialist-inspired economic program, his personal role in making the COVID vaccine happen, and the demented state of his own mental health has become problematic with more and more citizens.  He has continued to say, “What’s the big deal?  Everyone lies.  Everyone knows that politicians lie.  Here’s the deal:  lie and get elected; tell the truth and lose.  Simple math, people.”

When asked about modifying such an important historical document, the President said that everything needs an update now and then.

Some will remember former President Clinton had once tried to eliminate the Adultery Commandment, but got too much pushback from staff members who were believers in fidelity.

Insiders say that eliminating the No Lying Commandment and taking it out of the salvation equation takes the pressure off, and will allow him even more freedom to belt out despicable untruths, blatant deceits, dishonest orders, and bizarre falsehoods… all necessary to make his agenda palatable to the public.

“Joe is the best liar we have in our Party,” one Insider said.  “We want him to feel more comfortable, and put his mind at ease… especially as he gets closer to… well, closer to you-know-what… Beeeeeepppppp.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, and have not been approved by anyone important.

The President, with his recent launching of dozens of nonsensical Executive Orders and autocratic proclamations, his incoherent Press Conference, and his obvious inability to think clearly on important matters such as the crisis at the southern border, absurd proposals to eliminate security checks on voting, and reckless government spending, has made it clear to even many of his supporters that he is on course to become the country’s First Vegetable.  Many of his own staff are worried that propping the guy up on a podium in a nice blue suit, and having him bumble his way through all his speeches while losing track of what the hell he is even saying, are not fooling sensible Americans anymore.  Many of the 80-million people who voted for the guy are now smashing their heads against the wall, screaming, “What was I thinking??”

Naturally, no one wants to see him forced to leave office, and elevate the Vice President to the Presidency.  In addition to having no leadership skill whatsoever, she is an avowed Socialist who envisions the country becoming the next Venezuela.  She has been to Venezuela, and said, “It’s not so bad.  They’ve got great coffee down there.”

The President was accused of “massive lying” during the Press Conference as he reported totally incorrect facts and reprehensible, untrue information about the Mexican border crisis, particularly in regard to the thousands and thousands of children being held in horrible condition.  “The President was not lying,” one high-level staff member replied.  “He is just totally unaware of any real facts.  You cannot call him dishonest when he gets stuff jumbled up a bit in his mind.  Totally unfair.”

Fortunately, the First Vegetable has a staff of people reporting to him that prepares his cue cards and notebooks, and helps him with decisions.  During one Oval Office meeting, while the President was inadvertently wetting his pants, a junior staff member subtly ushered him off to his private restroom before a puddle developed.  Close call.  Nice move.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, but are getting closer and closer to being true all the time.