October 8th, 2024
Candidate Fumblina Ferris Practicing for Upcoming Rally
Here are a few open mic excerpts as Candidate Ferris practiced her rally speech during a recreational afternoon break:
“I never asked a murderer or a burglar who I was prosecuting as a District Attorney whether he was a Democrat or a Republican. I only asked him if he was comfortable, needed a pillow, or a bottle of Fuji water while he was sitting in those hard chairs in the courtroom, wearing his itchy prison garb. And I never asked an illegal alien climbing under a fence whether she was Democrat or Republican. I only asked her if I could call her an Uber to take her to a nice hotel in Funkytown paid for by the government… maybe call Taco Bell to get her a couple chimichangas for the ride… hey, maybe even sneak her a pint of tequila out of my personal stash. You see, that’s the difference between my opponent and me. I want to show compassion, no matter who you are. My opponent only shows compassion if you’re a billionaire golfer-type. I mean, I like billionaires, too, but I usually go for the non-golfer types and treat them to an afternoon tea service and a game of croquet. I try to keep the Press out of those meetings so that I maintain my image of mostly just supporting the dirt bags of society. They’re the ones I’m going to give tax breaks to… even though they technically don’t pay any taxes. May be tough to pull that off. Perhaps just give them a free backyard croquet set and call it Even.”
