June 6th, 2012
Presidential No Fault Insurance
The Presidential Insurance Company is offering a brand new policy to its clients and prospective customers, called the Universal No Fault Insurance Policy. They expect hundreds of thousands of customers will sign up for this new creative offering, which they plan to offer at highly discounted rates for a limited time.
The policy will offer No Fault protection for any of the policyholder’s screwups, negligence, acts of willful omission, or knuckleheaded blunders…no matter who is truly to blame for the problem. Even if the holder messes up really bad, Presidential will make him/her whole, either with monetary payouts or valid certificates of blamelessness. Most compensation instruments will be of this latter form: a signed, stamped, and notarized “Get Out of Blame” sheepskin which the holder can frame on a wall or keep secure with important papers in a lock box. Presidential says that it can fax or FedEx the Blameless documents within 12 to 24 hours, but can also offer a bonefide certified Blameless text message immediately if the holder secures a Smartphone App.
For a slight additional cost, the policy holder can designate a universal blamee, who would then be the recipient of all blame, no matter whether he/she was involved or even knowledgable of any of the blaming event elements. Some school children have asked if they could specify the Dog as a universal blamee for things like homework failures, food disappearances, or spots on the rug…the Insurance company has responded: most definitely, yes. The universal blamee option gives the holder a solid blamement alternative which in many cases may work better than the generic No Blame Whatsoever option, which can often leave the Accuser unsatisfied.
How does it all work? Every event is entered into the Presidential computer, and a sophisticated algorithm connects the event with the univeral blamee, and designates an appropriately chosen cause/excuse. It sounds difficult, but the program has been refined with artificial stupidity to make it function perfectly every time. In the dog example, the computer software is loaded with a variety of doggie bodily functions to make the problematic event sound correct. And remember, each excuse if professionally certified and authorized.
Presidential encourages customers to order quickly to receive the discounted rate. Website readers can get an additional 10% discount by typing “Blame Bush” in the upper right corner box. Order now.
Disclaimer: All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, as if you didn’t already know that.
