May 5th, 2010
Times Square bomber objects to being called ‘amateurish’
Comments have been flying high and wide analyzing the recent bumbled attempt to set off a car bomb in Times Square this week. Faisal Shahzad, the alleged nutcase from Pakistan’s Cradle of Nutballs region, used cheap firecrackers, a Dollar Store one buck alarm clock, and a strange combination of quasi-explosives in the muffed attempt. The mayor of New York called the attempt “amateurish”, while other pundits described it as an “incompetent pitiful bombing misadventure”. Truly, most have agreed that this bombing attempt was certainly one of the five most pathetic bombing attempts in modern history, and in a tight race with the Christmas underwear bomber for this year’s “Pinto” award.
Shahzad, who was undergoing tough questioning at the nearby Hyatt luxury hotel and spa, was reached for comments during coffee/juice break time. He strongly objected to being characterized as amateurish. “I have spent many months in the finest Taliban camps and Al Qaeda s#!t-holes to learn bomb making and explosivology. I have tutored under some of the most renowned Islamic terrorist trainers who have sent hundreds, no thousands, of suicide bombers to virgin-infested heaven. I can show you a 10-page resume of mischief experience and wrongdoing that could rival any scumbag you put me up against. To call me an amateur is an insult to me, my family, and to the entire terrorist nation. I am a professional.”
The Professional Bombers Association agreed with the mayor and pundits. A spokesman for the association said that Shahzad is a shahzad, just what his name says: “In our international brotherhood lexicon, a shahzad is a total bumbling nitwit. His original name was Mohammed Shlunkmeyer, but his buddies changed his name to Shahzad as a joke. I guess he never got it. In any case, he never passed our rigorous car bomber certification test, never paid his dues.”
He went on to say, “Look at his whole bomb set up. He buys a dirt cheap SUV for 1300 bucks, no navigation system, cheap 4-speaker stereo. He loads it with artificial fertilizer that any idiot would know won’t work. The stuff doesn’t even smell like S#!t, for crying out loud!! How dumb can you be to buy fertilizer that don’t stink? Then he wires it up like he’s he’s wiring a shlunkfunkler. Geez, man. Don’t embarass us professionals by calling yourself one.”
He went on to say that Shahzad should be locked up, put away for good…but he snickered every time he spoke the word Shahzad. “Cracks me up, man, cracks me up.”
Disclaimer: all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.
