March 15th, 2010
Suicide bombers are getting hot
A consortium of Mid-East lawyers has announced plans to file a class-action lawsuit on behalf of hundreds of suicide bombers, against Al-Qaeda leaders. The suit was initiated by a lawyer representing one of the recent 4 bombers who lit off in Kandohar over ther weekend. The lawyer claimed he was visited by his client’s ghost wearing a fire-retardant outfit, and smelling like a Burger King parking lot, wanting immediate justice. The consortium spokesman said it would likely be a difficult lawsuit representing so many dead guys, but they were confident in ultimate victory.
The problem, they say, comes down to a breach of promise made to the suicide crazies: that they would receive an eternal perch in heaven and a bevvy of virgins, in return for their suicide act. The lawyers say that they have conclusive evidence that these patsies, in fact, ended up in the hottest-stoked grates in hell. Worse yet, the so-called “virgins” ended up being virgin sheep.
Al-Qaeda lawyers say that there is no such evidence, and that they have been assured by the Council of Islamic clerics that the eternal promises are rock solid and are truly being kept. They have produced volumes of scripts from prophets and learned theologians as their so-called proof.
But the plaintiffs believe they have a winnable case. They have conducted hundreds of seances, producing audio tapes and bonefide transcripts from top-notch mediums. Lawyers claim they have quotes such as “I’m friggin burning up down here,” “These sheep smell really bad,” “My soul is past well-done, turn me over,” and “Hitler sends his regards.”
It is still an uphill battle in getting a judge to hear their case. Much of the evidence will be considered hear-say, at best. Cross-examination will be difficult, if not impossible. And, naturally, the other difficulty would be the lack of a workable remedy. Stay tuned.
