bizarreville

Bizarreville economists recently stated that the Big Recession, largest since World War II, ended 15 months ago.  This announcement came as a big surprise to most people who mistakenly thought things were still in the crapper.

At a news conference, noted Bizarreville University economist Dr. Melvin Derfberger made the announcement and fielded questions from the press.  When asked how he factored the continuing 10 percent unemployment rate into his recession formula, he replied, “Did not really put much weight on that variable.  You see, true unemployment numbers are impossible to pin down since so many people are in and out of the workforce.  Plus, typical unemployment figures don’t normally take into account the illegal Mexicans and Chinese people working in restaurants who basically have zero percent unemployment.  Skews the numbers.”

A second question was asked about how he reconciled his conclusions with the pathetic housing market.  “The housing market’s impact on the economy has been overblown by psuedo-econo-wannabes.  Everybody has got to live somewhere.  Buy one house, sell another.  Build one house, condemn another.  It all balances out, you see.  Next question?”

He was then challenged by one nervous reporter who cited that the stock market was still 30% below pre-recession highs.  Several companies, including Generous Motors went in the tank and slipped their stockholders the worm.  Other companies fell so low in market value, it will probably take generations to recover.  401K’s are hardly worth the paper they are printed on. 

“So what’s you point?” answered Dr. Derfberger.  “Hey, I lost my shirt, too.  Bought several thousand shares of that Donkey Burger stock…remember the one that claimed to be a healthier alternative to beef?  Yeah, I pushed all-in on that one.  But you know what?  I’m still here.”

Finally he was asked about the cratered level of consumer confidence, which predicts a very lean holiday season for retailers.  The good doctor replied, “Confidence, Shmodfidence.”

He summed up his presentation, sensing cynicism in the crowd of reporters, by stating that his analysis was the consensus of over 35 PhD economic professors who, while they’ve never actually been in the workforce or held anything resembling a real job, were still very smart people who sat on many Boards.  He stated some had even won Egg Head awards and a couple had deep, authority-sounding voices that sounded like the bass guy in the Oak Ridge Boys.

Stocks went up in early trading after the announcement, but took a 180-degree turn late in the afternoon to finish 2 percent down for the day.  Futures are sharply lower.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem so real.

Bizarreville retailers have reported that the December 26 Christmas present return lines were 15 percent shorter than previous years, sending a wave of concern among economists that the recession might be readying for another dip.  Customers interviewed on the retail scene commented of the distinct lack of traditional barging-in, exhaustive sighing, and shouting favorite sayings like ‘Can we get this  f*^&!ng  line moving, slowpokes?’  When asked whether they opted for using their return money to buy junky picked-over merchandise or just receiving store credit, nearly 65 percent said ‘store credit’.

Some analysts have suggested the outside possibility that the people across the land might just be happy with their gifts this year.  “With a tight economy, it’s conceivable that buyers have taken more time and been more deliberate in carefully choosing the right gift for the right person, rather than just buying the first piece of crap they see on a shelf,” commented Bill Stufford, Christmas analyst with Bahblong Financial Services.  “Of course, we’ve also seen the rise in Starbucks gift card purchases by customers who say ‘Screw It’ to the whole gift selection process…those cards rarely get returned.”

Economists from the prestigious Paranoid Economic Institute (PEI) are worried that any little blip in consumer confidence could rapidly evolve to a snowball effect, racing down the hill and picking up trees and skiiers in its path.  Critics of the PEI say, “Yeah, I saw that holiday cartoon, too….what was it a Bugs Bunny or a Road Runner?  Cracks me up every time.”  Nevertheless, the PEI says it’s never too early to start hand-wringing, and making sure pantries are fully stocked with canned goods and protected with a sturdy padlock.  They continue to suggest buying Gold, even those flimsy gold-plated hoaky commemorative coins that have dropped in price to $19.95 limited time offer.  It should be noted (and PEI readily admits) that they have a substantial equity stake in FlimsoMint LLC, the leader in minting and huckstering of commemorative crap of dubious perceived value.

Other economists and professional egg-heads are awaiting to see January results, normally a month of meaningless irrelevance.  But this year, they say, it might be different…or it might not.  They say they’ll wait and see, then make their conclusions afterwards…sort of like they do with everything in economic analysis…while cleaning the grime off their rear view mirrors.

The heady dreams of the developers of Dubai World are starting to come crashing down.  And it seemed like such a brilliant concept just a couple years ago…a world-class, exotic resort destination, 5-star accomodations, exciting James Bond-like activities.  But somewhere, somehow in the grand plan, someone forgot to tell the Chief that no one wants to go to that freaking place.  Certainly no one from Bizarreville…something about the crazy Islamo-jerkbags running around the MidEast blowing stuff up.  Now the venture is $60 billion in the dumper, and headed for bankruptcy.

But Elmo Mohammed has an idea.  He read about the “Medical theme” theme park getting tacked onto the Health Care bill, and thought why not create an Islamo-terrorist true experience park?  An Epcot Center for the Anti-matter world?  Sort of a Jihad Dude Ranch?

“It would be more than just rides.  It would be a reality experience somewhere between Survival Island and Gilligans Island.  It will be a tad bit dangerous, and yes, we may lose a Guest or two in the process….but that’s the difference between real reality and simulated reality.

“We could recruit some suicide bomber trainees, and create a bus ride where the goofbags blow themselves up…with all their guts and brain tissue plattered on the bus walls.  The kids (safely peering behind protective glass) would watch with amazement at this once-in-a-lifetime experience.  Now it may cost us a few thousand virgins in the afterlife, but it would be well worth it.  May go ahead and use a sprinkling of Islamo-peasants as bus riders to add to the whole effect…a couple more thousand virgins…better make a note of that.

“We could have a 5-day “Dude” experience where guests join a cluster of real live terrorists at a genuine terrorist training camp.  Guests could join right in:  Firing a wide range of high-powered weapons, planting nifty homemade bombs, plotting a legitimate act of terror…right alongside the real birdbrain professionals.  Can you imagine Bill Smith coming home after the Experience and telling all his buddies that he helped blow up a real subway in Mulfukra?  Wow.”

The banks that would have to finance this bright new idea are listening, but very skeptical.  Two banks, First Blockhead National Bank (FBNB), and Last Chance Bank of Bizarreville (LCBB) have already gotten well-burnt on the first Dubai World fiasco…but fortunately for Dubai, they still have the same incompetent CEO’s and bumbling Leadership teams in place, so there’s a good chance they’ll fall for it a second time.  Elmo thinks if he can get these 2 banks onboard, some others will follow suit in leming-like fashion.