bizarreville

Bizarreville retailers have reported that the December 26 Christmas present return lines were 15 percent shorter than previous years, sending a wave of concern among economists that the recession might be readying for another dip.  Customers interviewed on the retail scene commented of the distinct lack of traditional barging-in, exhaustive sighing, and shouting favorite sayings like ‘Can we get this  f*^&!ng  line moving, slowpokes?’  When asked whether they opted for using their return money to buy junky picked-over merchandise or just receiving store credit, nearly 65 percent said ‘store credit’.

Some analysts have suggested the outside possibility that the people across the land might just be happy with their gifts this year.  “With a tight economy, it’s conceivable that buyers have taken more time and been more deliberate in carefully choosing the right gift for the right person, rather than just buying the first piece of crap they see on a shelf,” commented Bill Stufford, Christmas analyst with Bahblong Financial Services.  “Of course, we’ve also seen the rise in Starbucks gift card purchases by customers who say ‘Screw It’ to the whole gift selection process…those cards rarely get returned.”

Economists from the prestigious Paranoid Economic Institute (PEI) are worried that any little blip in consumer confidence could rapidly evolve to a snowball effect, racing down the hill and picking up trees and skiiers in its path.  Critics of the PEI say, “Yeah, I saw that holiday cartoon, too….what was it a Bugs Bunny or a Road Runner?  Cracks me up every time.”  Nevertheless, the PEI says it’s never too early to start hand-wringing, and making sure pantries are fully stocked with canned goods and protected with a sturdy padlock.  They continue to suggest buying Gold, even those flimsy gold-plated hoaky commemorative coins that have dropped in price to $19.95 limited time offer.  It should be noted (and PEI readily admits) that they have a substantial equity stake in FlimsoMint LLC, the leader in minting and huckstering of commemorative crap of dubious perceived value.

Other economists and professional egg-heads are awaiting to see January results, normally a month of meaningless irrelevance.  But this year, they say, it might be different…or it might not.  They say they’ll wait and see, then make their conclusions afterwards…sort of like they do with everything in economic analysis…while cleaning the grime off their rear view mirrors.