bizarreville

The recent fumbles and missteps by officials in handling terrorist suspects by inadvertently treating them as full US citizens prompted the Justice Department to clarify Miranda rights issues for disgusting terrorist types.  They decided that some special language might be the appropriate path forward.  A final draft is still in the making, but a copy has been leaked out to garner some initial public reaction.  Here is the draft text:

“You have the right to remain silent, until you decide that you have finally had enough waterboarding, Chinese water torturing, and listening to Abba records 24/7, and are ready to spill some beans.  When (not if, but when) you give up your stubbornness to remain silent, anything and everything you say will be held against you, your buddies, and family members in a military court of justice, using a special code of justice for scumbags such as yourself.  It will not be pretty.  You will not have the right to an attorney, but the court will appoint an advocate to present your weak case and lame arguments.  This person will be selected from the Skid Row homeless shelter and soup kitchen inhabitants du jour.  If you are unhappy with the selection, you will be permitted to go have a conjugal visit with yourself.  Do you understand these rights, or do we need to bring in Igor to beat the crap out of you to help unplug your wax-filled ear canals?  What do you say, ya’ punk?”

Critics have argued that using Igor’s name as a heavy-handed thug type might seem offensive to people of Eastern European descent.  They have suggested ‘Larry’ as an alternate, but the Mirandize wordsmiths don’t feel that name delivers quite the same punch.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.

For the past year, the Administration has purposely avoided the term ‘War on Terror’ when describing the war on terror, mainly because it was a term coined by the Bushites.   So, four weeks ago, they launched a contest to all citizens to come up with a new creative name for this Whatever thing against Whoever.  The first prize is a week stay in the luxurious William Henry Harrison room in the White House basement, plus a royalty arrangement whereby he/she will get 1 cent for every time the new phrase gets used by a government official.

Entries were supposed to have been closely guarded, but our intrepid investigators have searched through White House trash receptacles to find some of those ideas that have made the first cut:

Critics have expressed outrage with this silliness, and cannot understand why the Administration just won’t stay with War on Terror.  But officials argue back, “Who is ‘terror’?  Is that some high school bully who gives you a wedgie?  Is that a graffiti creep who scratches obscenities in john stalls?  You can’t be that ambiguous when it comes to this kind of thing.  Plus, we need something a little catchy.”

White House staffers are considering retaining Marketing wizards that dream up snazzy names for new cars to submit ideas.  This would include those legendary visionaries who came up with such beauties as LeBaron, Fierenza, Cobalt, Cordoba, Tempo, LTD2, and Edsel.  They feel certain that these folks will come up with at least one LeBaron-quality idea.

They have also tried to enlist Muhammed Ali to come up with a clever “Rumble in the Jungle” kind of phraseology, but allegedly he told them to kiss off.

Insiders say that results should be finalized by next week, at which time they can start developing posters, buttons, and banners.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem real.

The mayor of Bizarreville has volunteered to move the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed trial to Bizarreville.  This comes on the heels of hearing that New York City did not want any part in having the trial in their city for cost and safety reasons.  KSM will be tried in Judge John Axmaniac’s court, who has guaranteed a speedy, no-nonsense process, total openness, and a fair outcome.

The judge will actually hold court at the 12,000 seat Bizarro Arena basketball stadium.  The public will be welcome,and will be charged 10 bucks a head for a daily ticket, but each day will include a concert by the Bizarreville Jazz Orchestra immediately following trial proceedings.  Dancing will be available.

Normal concessions will be served, including dogs, beer, cheesy nachos, and other sports-type refreshments.  To simplify matters, all items will be priced at $10 each, correct bills are required.  The concession company will also serve fresh tomatoes that can be optionally thrown at KSM and/or his lawyers if fans don’t like what they see or hear during testimony.  Tomatoes will also be priced at $10 each, but fans can get 3 for $20 or a “frequent thrower” package of 10 for $50.

Film will be taken of the proceedings, and will later be turned into a feature length comedy movie, featuring Bill Murray as KSM and Dennis Miller as his hapless lawyer.  The Director will intermix real trial footage with comedy hijinx to make a film the whole family will enjoy.  Hilarity should reach a climactic peak when they all start throwing food at each other, a newly-trained apprentice underwear bomber gets knocked-out by a flying bench,  while the Judge keeps pounding his gavel until the head flies off and hits the bailiff in his private parts.

On a more serious note, the mayor understands the seriousness of the threat by Islamic terrorists during the trial, so he will have extra security people armed with bazookas at strategic spots near the arena.  Citizens in vans and SUVs will be warned to stay clear of the stadium’s entrances, so that they don’t get inadvertantly bazooka’ed.

As mentioned earlier, the Judge promises a speedy trial process. Much of the prosecution evidence is considered Top Secret, and will just be accepted as factual material without disclosure of details.  Defense has already agreed to not develop lame theories of the case.  And, in a surprising move, the Defense has agreed that during cross exam, prosecution witnesses can answer with a variation on the 5th Amendment, which they affectionately call the “Up yours, you friggin creeps” response to certain questions.

All in all, Bizarreville authorities think this could be a big money maker and are excited to get started ASAP.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

Bizarreville leaders made another impassioned plea to the Pakistan leadership group to ask for their help in fighting Taliban in their border areas with Afghanistan.  In particular, they would like to find one of the new up and coming Taliban leaders Oscummo bin Shizbak, who has been sending Facebook messages and instructions to Islamo-terrorists worldwide.  Fortunately, not too many people have signed onto his Facebook because he is so darn butt ugly.  Rumor is he’s now trying to set up his Facebook page without a face.

Pakistan leaders have refused to provide help in the past.  “We don’t want to go in those freaking, nasty, allah-forsaken ghettos…nor any of those rabies-infested moldy caves,” said a Paki spokesman.  “You kidding?  If Oscummo or any of his revolting buddies shows up in Islamabad, we’ll cuff ’em and stuff ’em.”  Syndicated reruns of Hawaii Five-O just made it to Pakistan. 

But they’re not expecting Oscummo or his chums to show.  Talibanners rarely venture into big cities.  “They’re the Mother of all Dirt Bags.  They never buy new clothes, or for that matter, even clean the clothes they wear.”  They don’t bother with what they call capitalist luxuries like taking baths or other acts of personal hygiene.  They can fart, and no one can even tell.  “Soap, what’s that?  More infidel foolishness and waste,” Oscummo once said addressing a crowd at an Afghanistan soccer game that he was referreeing. 

Pakistan authorities reiterated that these creeps avoid cities like the bubonic plague (which ironically has recently outbroken in some of their filthy camps).  “If you see a Taliban in a city, he’s probably there to suicide bomb something.”

The heady dreams of the developers of Dubai World are starting to come crashing down.  And it seemed like such a brilliant concept just a couple years ago…a world-class, exotic resort destination, 5-star accomodations, exciting James Bond-like activities.  But somewhere, somehow in the grand plan, someone forgot to tell the Chief that no one wants to go to that freaking place.  Certainly no one from Bizarreville…something about the crazy Islamo-jerkbags running around the MidEast blowing stuff up.  Now the venture is $60 billion in the dumper, and headed for bankruptcy.

But Elmo Mohammed has an idea.  He read about the “Medical theme” theme park getting tacked onto the Health Care bill, and thought why not create an Islamo-terrorist true experience park?  An Epcot Center for the Anti-matter world?  Sort of a Jihad Dude Ranch?

“It would be more than just rides.  It would be a reality experience somewhere between Survival Island and Gilligans Island.  It will be a tad bit dangerous, and yes, we may lose a Guest or two in the process….but that’s the difference between real reality and simulated reality.

“We could recruit some suicide bomber trainees, and create a bus ride where the goofbags blow themselves up…with all their guts and brain tissue plattered on the bus walls.  The kids (safely peering behind protective glass) would watch with amazement at this once-in-a-lifetime experience.  Now it may cost us a few thousand virgins in the afterlife, but it would be well worth it.  May go ahead and use a sprinkling of Islamo-peasants as bus riders to add to the whole effect…a couple more thousand virgins…better make a note of that.

“We could have a 5-day “Dude” experience where guests join a cluster of real live terrorists at a genuine terrorist training camp.  Guests could join right in:  Firing a wide range of high-powered weapons, planting nifty homemade bombs, plotting a legitimate act of terror…right alongside the real birdbrain professionals.  Can you imagine Bill Smith coming home after the Experience and telling all his buddies that he helped blow up a real subway in Mulfukra?  Wow.”

The banks that would have to finance this bright new idea are listening, but very skeptical.  Two banks, First Blockhead National Bank (FBNB), and Last Chance Bank of Bizarreville (LCBB) have already gotten well-burnt on the first Dubai World fiasco…but fortunately for Dubai, they still have the same incompetent CEO’s and bumbling Leadership teams in place, so there’s a good chance they’ll fall for it a second time.  Elmo thinks if he can get these 2 banks onboard, some others will follow suit in leming-like fashion.

The Bizarreville police are watching him.  They have an all-night stakeout at his double-wide, and trail him during the day… a day normally full of weird rituals, chants, bowings, and jibber-jabbers.

Mofunka, the jihad warrior wannabe, is considered a bit dangerous.  He allegedly tried to bomb Herm’s Diner a year ago because they were serving kosher food.  But the fuse got wet and fizzled out when he placed the bomb in the gravy of the diner’s trash dumpster.  Then when he tried to re-light, it blew up before he could get away, sending pork&bean can shrapnel into his left calf.

Then he tried to board a plane with a meticulously-crafted bomb that would not be detected by x-ray.  But Mofunkra screwed up trying to board with a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo in his carry-on, and got busted.

Next, Mofunkra tried biological jihad by infecting Bizarreville’s entire spam supply with a nasty virus.  He was able to plant the virus in literally every can of spam.  It may be a long time before we know the effectiveness of that nasty act of terror.

Mofunkra attends the Mosque-of-the-We-Hate-Infidels, who spread the teachings of Fartwana….a cleric who has amazed mosque-goers by his ability to magically talk out of various lower orifices of his body…to the ooohs and aaaahs of the crowd.  Mofunkra has been mesmerized by this whimsical prophet, and has blindly followed his jihad instructions.  Mofunkra has also begun learning the orifice-talking routine, but his is far from perfected.

It is unlikely Mofunkra will be able to carry out any more jihad missions, now that authorities are on to him.  Given Mofunkra’s fumblin’ bumblin’ ability, it’s probably a good thing that his wings have been clipped…to save himself from his own self-destruction.