bizarreville

The medical community is still befuddled over the continuing spread of the Palin-ophobia epidemic which has hit liberal circles and conclaves very hard.  The outbreak seems to be hitting the liberal punditry particularly hard, who have been seen trembling and stammering by the few people who actually watch them on TV.  Lib leaders are nervous that their solid media network is coming unglued and rattled by each of Palin’s trivial acts, and causing them to lose focus on the business at hand:  Spending Money Fast.

The latest phobia panic came when Palin addressed a National Tea Party convention in Nashville, and had written some notes to herself on the palm of her hand.  Naturally, the phobiacs went into hyper-freak.  “I stopped doing that kind of stuff in high school after my fifth detention for cheating on tests,” a Democratic inner-city congressman admitted.  “I finally had to memorize who the First president of the U.S. was….Washington, wasn’t it?”

It is nervous times for the Libs, and they want answers to deal with Palin-ophobia before it is too late.  They have gone to the government-funded Medical Research Boondogglery Commission to try and find research studies that have analyzed syndromes like Palin-ophobia.  But the Boondogglery has found nothing quite like this, although they did find interesting psychological studies of the mating practices of long-term civil service employees…with pictures.

Meanwhile, the jittery Lib leaders are pursuing possible medication alternatives to help calm them down.  They have tried to make a case for being able to obtain medical marijuana in California, but even the whacko doctors out there have refuse to prescribe it for Palin-ophobia.  “I think those reefer-brains are just making an excuse to get some cheap dope,” one doctor speculated.

Talk show host David Letterbrain has checked into Manhattan Nutcase Help Center in order to get psychological treatment for his strange fear of Sarah Palin.  Friends did an intervention with Dave after the 403rd time he tried to unsuccessfully craft a funny joke, a year after she had left the national scene.  Palin jokes that perhaps at one time were real side-splitters had more recently diminished to “courtesy chuckles” from studio audiences.  Friends tried and tried to tell Dave that his jokes were getting stupider and stupider and stupider by the day…and that his fans were complaining daily of his obsessive unfunniness.  After many months of denial, ole Dave finally had to admit he had a phobia bordering on psychosis of Sarah.

“She scares the crap out of me,” Dave said while visibly trembling.  “She could be our next President.  And you know, after all the insulting remarks I’ve made about her, she might just find a way to throw my ass in jail.  I just don’t want to be locked up in a little cell with Igor, the Thunder Yonker…ouch.”

Counselors have tried to calm him down, suggesting his anxieties had no merit, and he should just put that out of his mind….unless, of course he has been dodging income tax for the past 20 years and/or taking some questionable or inappropriate deductions that a team of 1000 IRS agents working full-time on the “Dave Audit Project” might find.  Or, in case he has had a housekeeper, hose-keeper, or servant boy that he has failed to properly claim.

Counselors have said that this type of sickness is not all that uncommon among comics, particularly elderly ones who have lost their edginess and have forgotten what is funny while they try to advance their goofy unfunny political agenda.  While he is there at the Center, the doctors will also be checking Dave for any lingering Cheney-phobia symptoms, and may just have him spend time with professional joke counselors.

Fans are hoping Dave comes out of the Nutcase Center flushed of his Palin-ophobia.  They look forward to new fresh topical jokes, with his wit directed at the vast array of real, true knuckleheads running the country now.  Certainly, the joke material is there, and fans hope he can connect with it.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

A special task force was formed last week to develop workable solutions and countermeasures to halt the growing fear of Sarah Palin in Bizarreville’s left wing community.  Even the nighttime TV talk show comic hosts can be seen sweating profusely when joking about her, prompting complaints from their guests about the host’s BO during the couch interviews.  “He might need to take a quick shower during commercial break…either that or start joking about someone less fearful during the monologue.  If not, I’m wearing a clothespin on my nose next time,” cracked one Hollywood actor recent guest.  “Hey, even I start sweating in the Green Room when her name comes up…almost caused me to forget my pitch lines for my upcoming movie ‘Brokebutt Mountain’.  Geez.”

Clearly, Sarah’s radical ideas of small government, accountability, fiscal responsibility, family, and patriotism do not play well in the left corners of Bizarreville.  The small government argument, in particular, seems to fan the biggest fear flames.  “We have worked for generations to create a huge bureaucracy.  Our gampaws and great-grampaws fought tooth and nail for every little new worthless agency, new goofball department, new half-baked program, new flaky handout.  Are we going to let all their hard work just get flushed down the toilet?  They’d be turning over in their graves, so unproud of our lack of guts to hold the line on these cuts.”

“I’ve heard Sarah talk, and she’s serious, just a little too serious, thank you very much.  I mean the other lame politicians would get up there and blabber about cutting down the size of government…blah, blah, blah, blah.  But we all knew they were just blowing hot air, and that once they got into Power, they’d fall right in line with our fine legacy of knuckleheads.  But I don’t think Sarah’s got the knucklehead in her.  This is a serious, serious threat…let me tell you.”

The task force main focus will be to continue to find absurd ways to make fun of Sarah…the old “make her look stupid, trashy, disconnected” ruse.  Some on the committee are concerned that that card has already been overplayed, and might backfire.  They want some new bold discreditation strategy, even if they have to make stuff up, or stage events.  “The Hollywood community has pledged to help us produce whatever films, videos, or other media to support this Bash & Trash strategy.” 

The task force has committed to issue their report including Marching Orders to the Left Wingers and Left Leaners by their May 1st Holiday.