bizarreville

It has been confirmed that a new highly-secretive society has been formed of current lame-duck incumbent legislators who have lost their primary elections because of their legendary incompetence.  In the past, there have been very rare occasions when an incumbent has failed to hold their nomination in the primaries, usually only if he/she was blatantly convicted of a serious crime or committed some other gross atrocity while in office.  The recent outbreaks of “Throw the Bums Out” citizen attitude is unprecedented in its scope.

The Thrown Bums are, however, not just sitting on their arses waiting to collect fat retirement checks and free-for-life health care benefits.  No, instead they are organizing..not just to commiserate with each other…but to begin preparations to try and throw these “New Bums” out in upcoming years, in a leap frog retribution, of sorts.

The concept seems to have strong support among citizens, who like the idea of an organized, enema-like approach to the process which will be able to sustain itself into the future.  This will, of course, place less pressure on the ordinary Joe Citizen to spend energy organizing the boob throwout campaigns.  It will also provide the electorate with a steady source of reliable dirt accumulation and nastiness record-keeping to justify the regular purge.

The first orders of business will be to select a suitable meeting place, most likely a tavern with cheap Happy Hour of some sort, and naturally develop an appropriate secret handshake to separate the true Thrown Bums from the Wannabe bums. 

“We particularly need to keep out the arrogant incumbents who have won their primaries,” said an unnamed throwee.  “The last thing we need is those a$$#*les showing up to rub their fat little noses in our faces, and then running up the bar tab.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, even the ones that seem so real.

The Bizarreville Tea Partiers assembled at the Monument Saturday morning, numbering in the hundreds of thousands.  Speakers talked about returning the nation to simple core values, prayer, personal responsibility, and pragmatic leadership.  Speaker after speader took to the podium to express his or her idyllic vision for the future. 

The crowd was initially very enthusiastic.  But they began to become restless, anxious, and soon became agitated when it became quite apparent that no tea was going to be served.  No earl grey, no english breakfast, no darjeeling, no afternoon delight.  No tea.

A small group of tea-drinkers in the back of the crowd started chanting, “We want tea.  We want tea.  We want tea.”  Before you knew it, the whole crowd seemed to erupt into the Tea chant.  The keynote speaker desperately tried to get the rally back on track by talking about tax reductions, investment incentives, and federal budget balancing…normally sure-fire themes.  But clearly the crowd wanted brewed refreshments, probably settling for anything of a brewed nature.

The speaker explained that the “Tea Party” was just a metaphor for the government’s wanton disregard for citizens’ input in regard to tax policy, individual freedoms, health care policy, government bailouts, reckless spending, and arbitrary law-making.  He explained that the nation was wandering in darkness, and needed a movement to help shine the light on their leaders’ misguidedness.  A citizen in the front row yelled out, “Yeah, we’re with you on the darkness thing.  But we still thought you were springing for the tea, man.  I’m parched.”

Eventually some of the rally organizers scrambled, bought out the tea inventories at nearby convenience stores, and started handing out bottles.  But by this time, a large throng of partiers had bailed, and were rumored to had reconvened at several nearby watering holes.

“Next time, don’t forget the friggin’ tea!” the keynote scolded as he stormed out of Monument Park.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fictional, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

The Left wing Administration, during the process of rolling-out their Total People Control program, have begun to feel a wee bit of pressure from ordinary citizens.  People are finally waking up from their political sleep, defogging their brains, and coming to realize that they could end up losing a lot of freedoms in the future, as these Changes You Can Believe In elements take hold.  More and more citizens are starting to get vocal at Tea Party rallies and Town Hall meetings.  Others are sending emails to their representatives…but of course, those are pretty much getting s#!*t canned by screeners, who are protecting the representatives’ delicate ears from such blatant in-your-face feedback.

But last week, the Administration staffers got their eggheads together and developed a fool-proof plan to combat this wave of discontent, and get on a new course to change public opinion.  One of the Senior Gophers came up with the brilliantly innovative idea of issuing Liberty Coupons.  For that bit of initiative, the Gopher was given 2 free movie passes to the theater of his choice and 1 large popcorn/Coke combo…total estimated value of over 100 bucks.

The Liberty Coupons program would work like this.  Liberty Coupons could be granted by any member of government to individuals who have displayed superior loyalty, taken brave action to help crush any opposition, or just suck-up well.  These coupons could be sold or traded, but each coupon would allow the bearer the privilege of garnering one small act of freedom.  Multiple coupons could be used for larger acts of freedom.  All coupon redemption offers would be illustrated in a full-color catalog, produced by the new Department of People Control.

For example, one Liberty Coupon could allow the bearer to procure a simple act of freedom, such as being entitled to read a Sean Hannity book, buy a Rock&roll CD, or be allowed to cut down a tree on his/her property.  Trading in 5 Liberty Coupons could allow you to visit the Doctor of your choice, or perhaps be able to purchase a large order of fries at a designated McDonalds or Burger King.  A five-spot could allow a citizen the right to buy a 6-pack of Old Milwaukee beer at a non-governmental beverage distributor.  Or, it could allow you to paint a wall in your home a color other than the normally prescribed “Autumn Wheat”.

And it would go up from there.  Ten coupons, for example, could permit you to lock your home doors.  Twenty coupons would allow you to purchase a non-hybrid vehicle…and for 2 more coupons, you could actually be allowed to buy a diesel.  Mind you, the coupons don’t cover the price of the merchandise you would have to pay…only the right to be able to make the purchase….consumers would still have to fork over the dough, in addition to the Coupon. 

Thirty coupons would permit you to send your children to a non-ghetto school…or allow you to accept a job in the rapidly dwindling private sector…that is, if there are still any jobs available.

The Administration likes the program’s premise, in that it is modeled after the successful Rewards programs that people now love so much.  And the Liberty Coupon program will encourage the behavior of “saving up” for those freedoms that people cherish the most, rather than just wasting Liberty Coupons on small trivial freedoms that don’t really matter that much to them.  All in all, the staff seems enthusiastic about finding this common ground with the Freedom Seekers contingent out there, and plan to get this program rolling on a fast-track by July.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem quite real.

The medical community is still befuddled over the continuing spread of the Palin-ophobia epidemic which has hit liberal circles and conclaves very hard.  The outbreak seems to be hitting the liberal punditry particularly hard, who have been seen trembling and stammering by the few people who actually watch them on TV.  Lib leaders are nervous that their solid media network is coming unglued and rattled by each of Palin’s trivial acts, and causing them to lose focus on the business at hand:  Spending Money Fast.

The latest phobia panic came when Palin addressed a National Tea Party convention in Nashville, and had written some notes to herself on the palm of her hand.  Naturally, the phobiacs went into hyper-freak.  “I stopped doing that kind of stuff in high school after my fifth detention for cheating on tests,” a Democratic inner-city congressman admitted.  “I finally had to memorize who the First president of the U.S. was….Washington, wasn’t it?”

It is nervous times for the Libs, and they want answers to deal with Palin-ophobia before it is too late.  They have gone to the government-funded Medical Research Boondogglery Commission to try and find research studies that have analyzed syndromes like Palin-ophobia.  But the Boondogglery has found nothing quite like this, although they did find interesting psychological studies of the mating practices of long-term civil service employees…with pictures.

Meanwhile, the jittery Lib leaders are pursuing possible medication alternatives to help calm them down.  They have tried to make a case for being able to obtain medical marijuana in California, but even the whacko doctors out there have refuse to prescribe it for Palin-ophobia.  “I think those reefer-brains are just making an excuse to get some cheap dope,” one doctor speculated.

The Libs of Bizarreville decided to throw their own Tea Party at the Bizarreville Onion Farms yesterday.  They wanted to pretend to show that they, too, did not want to raise taxes.  Several actors and big-shot movie directors came, mostly in a coaching role.  There would be good media coverage so that a couple meaty populist-type sound bites could be edited to show the world that they were clued.

They put Larry the Tokin’ Dead-Head in charge of the sound system, who had unfortunately forgotten that there was no electric power in the middle of this farm field.   But, not to worry, he started up a generator to supply the power…but it was so obnoxiously noisy that no one could hear each other argue.  Yells of “Taxed Enough Already” sounded like “Tax McDuff and Freddie”.  As expected, McDuff who has already done some hard time for assault and rude behavior, got honked-off, and clobbered old Mrs. Rumpmax over the head with a protest sign.  Meanwhile, Freddie Friggett cussed out the Tea Party organizers, and was promptly handcuffed and thrown into the paddy wagon.  As the wagon pulled away, Freddie flashed the Victory sign, which some may have misinterpreted when the bars and shadows blocked the sight line of one of his fingers. 

The caterer, who was supposed to bring the tea, brought decaf coffee instead.  The main organizer, who has been on a Worldwide Anti-caffeine campaign for 2 years, spit it out…before being calmed by staffers that it was 98% caffeine-free.  One citizen suggested throwing crates of tea overboard to create a memorable act of protest.  But he was reminded that they were in the middle of farmland…so they just dumped two pots of decaf down the center-pocket of a nearby outhouse, and called it even.

Some uncoached Lib hecklers showed up and chanted:

Others dearly, dearly wanted to join in the chants, but were quickly corraled and told:  “Focus…focus”.

The 11 o’clock News last night missed all that hijinx and focused coverage on protests from a couple farmers who had just dropped by for a few minutes after fertilizing their fields.  “If you raise our taxes any more, us farmers won’t be able to afford this here fertilizer,” pointing to his boots encrusted with some sort of greenish-brown goop.  That comment drew a boisterous cheer from the crowd.  The farmers flashed jumbo smiles on their chubby faces, but started morphing into angry frowns when it finally hit home what the crowd was cheering about.

The News Anchor man was laughing so hard, the station had to cut to commercial.