bizarreville

The Left wing Administration, during the process of rolling-out their Total People Control program, have begun to feel a wee bit of pressure from ordinary citizens.  People are finally waking up from their political sleep, defogging their brains, and coming to realize that they could end up losing a lot of freedoms in the future, as these Changes You Can Believe In elements take hold.  More and more citizens are starting to get vocal at Tea Party rallies and Town Hall meetings.  Others are sending emails to their representatives…but of course, those are pretty much getting s#!*t canned by screeners, who are protecting the representatives’ delicate ears from such blatant in-your-face feedback.

But last week, the Administration staffers got their eggheads together and developed a fool-proof plan to combat this wave of discontent, and get on a new course to change public opinion.  One of the Senior Gophers came up with the brilliantly innovative idea of issuing Liberty Coupons.  For that bit of initiative, the Gopher was given 2 free movie passes to the theater of his choice and 1 large popcorn/Coke combo…total estimated value of over 100 bucks.

The Liberty Coupons program would work like this.  Liberty Coupons could be granted by any member of government to individuals who have displayed superior loyalty, taken brave action to help crush any opposition, or just suck-up well.  These coupons could be sold or traded, but each coupon would allow the bearer the privilege of garnering one small act of freedom.  Multiple coupons could be used for larger acts of freedom.  All coupon redemption offers would be illustrated in a full-color catalog, produced by the new Department of People Control.

For example, one Liberty Coupon could allow the bearer to procure a simple act of freedom, such as being entitled to read a Sean Hannity book, buy a Rock&roll CD, or be allowed to cut down a tree on his/her property.  Trading in 5 Liberty Coupons could allow you to visit the Doctor of your choice, or perhaps be able to purchase a large order of fries at a designated McDonalds or Burger King.  A five-spot could allow a citizen the right to buy a 6-pack of Old Milwaukee beer at a non-governmental beverage distributor.  Or, it could allow you to paint a wall in your home a color other than the normally prescribed “Autumn Wheat”.

And it would go up from there.  Ten coupons, for example, could permit you to lock your home doors.  Twenty coupons would allow you to purchase a non-hybrid vehicle…and for 2 more coupons, you could actually be allowed to buy a diesel.  Mind you, the coupons don’t cover the price of the merchandise you would have to pay…only the right to be able to make the purchase….consumers would still have to fork over the dough, in addition to the Coupon. 

Thirty coupons would permit you to send your children to a non-ghetto school…or allow you to accept a job in the rapidly dwindling private sector…that is, if there are still any jobs available.

The Administration likes the program’s premise, in that it is modeled after the successful Rewards programs that people now love so much.  And the Liberty Coupon program will encourage the behavior of “saving up” for those freedoms that people cherish the most, rather than just wasting Liberty Coupons on small trivial freedoms that don’t really matter that much to them.  All in all, the staff seems enthusiastic about finding this common ground with the Freedom Seekers contingent out there, and plan to get this program rolling on a fast-track by July.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem quite real.

“Today is a BIG day in America.  Only 36 thousand people lost their jobs today, which is REALLY GOOD…”

This, of course was a brief snippet from a speech made by Harry Reid on March 5th, after seeing the most recent jobless claims data.  Many people have heard this quote and concluded that Harry is totally out of touch.  But too often sound bites can be taken out of context and misconstrued.  So, in order to better understand the meaning and emotion he was trying to convey, we present the full speech below:

“Today is a BIG day in America.  Only 36 thousand people lost their jobs today, which is REALLY GOOD.  Sure it would have been better for our Party and the Liberal/Progressive movement if the number was more like 136 thousand job losses.  But we can’t be greedy, and I ask my colleagues to take comfort that jobs are continuing to disappear, and what few are left are being swallowed up by illegal Mexicans.  Data clearly shows that more and more people are sucking on the government entitlement bosom than ever before.  Millions and millions more.  Don’t believe that 9.7 percent unemployment number.  The real number is 17 percent.  That’s right, 17 percent.  Believe it.  We’re on our way to posting 20’s.

“Right now the Senate is debating a new “Jobs” bill.  But fear not, my comrades, it’s only meant to add jobs in a parallel universe to our own…with anti-matter people drilling for anti-matter energy in dry wells.  That’s the kind of virtual jobs we will be talking about…job fiction.  But we must name it a Jobs bill to create the proper illusion and misdirection to fool the idiots out there.  We will use the buzzwords to make voters think we’re creating jobs, while at the same time using the old sleight of hand trick to dump a few trillion in cash into the bottomless abyss to do absolutely, positively no good for nobody. Presto!   Ooooh, I’m getting shivers up my leg just thinking about it!

“So do not fear.  Do not pay attention to the trash talk and mis-characterizations that suggest we are nuzzling up with Republicans, Freedom Lovers, Tea Baggers, or other Capitalistas.  Ain’t happening, won’t happen.  I know I’ve lied to you before, but you have got to believe me on this one.  I promise on a stack of Communist Manifestos that I am true to our movement.

“But we all must stay diligent to the effort to bring down capitalism.  We must all work together to push the National Debt to astronomical levels, so that the evil Financial institutions start to crumble.  We must pass more outrageous regulations and taxes to drive those nasty industrialists to bankruptcy, so we can nationalize them just like we did at GM.  People said we couldn’t take down a huge company like GM, naysayers gave us little hope…but we showed them all that it could be done.  But remember, one big filthy auto company and a couple bloated banks here and there are not enough.  There’s still huge food/beverage businesses, computer/information technology industries, and diaper businesses that are ripe for the taking….no pun intended.  So, do your part to bring them down, one by one, quarterly disappointment by quarterly disappointment, greedy bastard by greedy bastard.

“Together, we can make change…change that you and I can believe…..wait, wait…are those cameras rolling?  Oh crap…Cut!  Cut!!  Shut those  f#*%r$  off, you  A$$#*!es!!  Oh geez….

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

Nancy Pelosi yesterday ordered all of her liberal colleagues to immediately pick up a copy of the new book, “Karl Marx Unleashed”.  She said that it is high time we stop pissing around, nibbling away at important issues like auto industry nationalization, health care for the proletariate, and jail time for all capitalists.  “It is time for decisive, revolutionary-type action…that’s why the public elected us, and that’s what we are obliged to deliver…and deliver now before all the whackos on the Right have a chance to hose us down and extinguish the liberal flame within us.”

The new book, authored by Elmwood Skank, a professor of Political Science Mythology at Dweeb College, puts a brand new spin on old Karl’s 19th Century ideas.  He points out that Marx was like an Industrial Age Nostradamus, predicting that the working class would get pissed at CEO salaries and bonuses, that capitalism would cause major boom/bust cycles that would devastate so many speculators, and that the New Orleans Saints would eventually win the Super Bowl.  Of course that last prediction requires the reader to take a few interpretive symbolic leaps to make the connection.

But his communist fundamentals, according to Skank, ring true today…including the concept of sharing the wealth, helping the lazy, replacing competition with kumbaya, and disincentivizing initiative that, oh so often, leads to greed.  He invokes the famous Rodney King quote, “why can’t we just get along” to describe the societal problem with police brutalizing people just because they break a few laws here and there, threaten a few people, and terrorize the occasional neighborhood…or a dictator in Iran who just wants to be loved by the world communicty.  Karl Unleashed would get them all together and smoke a peace pipe…4 or 5 puffs and they would all get along just fine, thank you.

Nancy has become so inspired that she has gone to the library and picked up writings from Lenin, Engels, Trotsky, Mao, and Castro to really bone up on Marxist thought, and help her turn it into Action.  She has instructed her colleagues to develop a “Contract with Karl” set of 10 fresh new legislative bills to get this revolution into gear…high gear.  She has tried to not be too prescriptive, but hinted she would like to see things like food rationing, apartment-size equalization, and more public transportation to replace individual cars.

A Republican spokesman was asked to comment, but just shook his head and said “Wow”.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

We are continuing to follow the news story about Michael Moorebird’s ill-fated Commie Experience Cruise to Cuba, as well the arduous ordeals Michael has personally gone through. His story has captured the hearts, while unclenching the stomachs, of audiences throughout Bizarreville.

Michael was released from the Cuban Hospital last week after being tossed overboard by disgruntled vacationers.  But when trying to get back into the country, he discovered that he had lost his passport in the sea.  Michael was categorically denied re-entry.  He desperately tried to make contact with officials, citizens, friends, acquaintances, but no one would claim him or acknowledge him in any way…some claiming they thought he might be a Russian spy.

Meanwhile, Cuban officials, in an attempt to throw poor Michael a lifeline, offered to keep him.  In fact, there was serious talk about making Moorebird some sort of Worldwide Ambassador.  As an enticement, they were going to offer to set him up in a 2-room apartment with its own private toilet, and an office cubicle in the not-so-smelly back area of the National Office Edifice in Havana, very close to the fire escape…in other words, Cuba’s version of the Red carpet.

Michael claims he will find a way to get back into the country and back to his personal luxury estate.  But he admits his whole Commie movement has taken a severe beating recently with all this bad publicity…and he will need to regroup.  First priority may be a quick trip to Hollywood to get some sympathy and support from his fellow pinkeroos, who will most certainly rebuild his spirits and get his March to Marxism back on track.  A lavish gala, perhaps a costume party with a peasant theme (cash bar naturally) might recapture the mood.  Stay tuned.