bizarreville

Nancy Pelosi yesterday ordered all of her liberal colleagues to immediately pick up a copy of the new book, “Karl Marx Unleashed”.  She said that it is high time we stop pissing around, nibbling away at important issues like auto industry nationalization, health care for the proletariate, and jail time for all capitalists.  “It is time for decisive, revolutionary-type action…that’s why the public elected us, and that’s what we are obliged to deliver…and deliver now before all the whackos on the Right have a chance to hose us down and extinguish the liberal flame within us.”

The new book, authored by Elmwood Skank, a professor of Political Science Mythology at Dweeb College, puts a brand new spin on old Karl’s 19th Century ideas.  He points out that Marx was like an Industrial Age Nostradamus, predicting that the working class would get pissed at CEO salaries and bonuses, that capitalism would cause major boom/bust cycles that would devastate so many speculators, and that the New Orleans Saints would eventually win the Super Bowl.  Of course that last prediction requires the reader to take a few interpretive symbolic leaps to make the connection.

But his communist fundamentals, according to Skank, ring true today…including the concept of sharing the wealth, helping the lazy, replacing competition with kumbaya, and disincentivizing initiative that, oh so often, leads to greed.  He invokes the famous Rodney King quote, “why can’t we just get along” to describe the societal problem with police brutalizing people just because they break a few laws here and there, threaten a few people, and terrorize the occasional neighborhood…or a dictator in Iran who just wants to be loved by the world communicty.  Karl Unleashed would get them all together and smoke a peace pipe…4 or 5 puffs and they would all get along just fine, thank you.

Nancy has become so inspired that she has gone to the library and picked up writings from Lenin, Engels, Trotsky, Mao, and Castro to really bone up on Marxist thought, and help her turn it into Action.  She has instructed her colleagues to develop a “Contract with Karl” set of 10 fresh new legislative bills to get this revolution into gear…high gear.  She has tried to not be too prescriptive, but hinted she would like to see things like food rationing, apartment-size equalization, and more public transportation to replace individual cars.

A Republican spokesman was asked to comment, but just shook his head and said “Wow”.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound like they could be real.

In a recent interview with Randy Spurn, the head of Bizarreville’s largest service employees union, the BSEIU, our reporter probed into his deep beliefs on capitalism vis-a-vis other economic models.

“The problem basically goes back 223 years when those crazies in Philadelphia drafted up that Declaration thing.  They were all reading the radical teachings of that nutball Adam Smith, who ushered in this whole free-market, competitive structure, willy-nilly independence thing.  I think Smith was probably some kind of 18th century drug kingpin, or something.  You know, before that, there were rules.  And there were heavies right at hand to bust some chops of any rule-breakers.  Bottom line:  it worked.

“And now we’re seeing the fall-out from these 223 years of party/orgy/greed.  You see poor people in the ghetto who can only afford one measly flat-screen HD television, who have to buy ground chuck instead of ground round, and who must scrimp and save just to be able to afford two lousy packs of cigarettes a day.  Many are cutting back weekly lottery ticket purchases to under $25/week.  It’s tough out there.

“Even my people in the Union with our lousy pensions are having to wait until they’re 57 or 58 years old before they can retire.  Meanwhile, they’re busting their backs working 40 hours a week with only 4 or 5 breaks during the day…then getting criticized and harassed just because they happen to enjoy occasional sluff-off time at work.  Who doesn’t enjoy a little sluff time?  I mean, come on.

“And it’s all because these greedy CEOs are skimming the cream.  Yeah sure, they claim they work 80 hour weeks, 7-days a week, Blackberried to every little thing that happens….baaaah.  They’re all a bunch of crooks taking advantage of my dear members just because they’re uneducated, unskilled, uncoordinated, and smell kinda bad.  It’s discrimination, and needs to stop now.”

Shortly after the interview, Spurn was taken back to his rest home (paid for with BSEIU union dues), where he was administered his normal medications.