November 19th, 2009
Union Leader Randy Spurn calls Adam Smith a crackpot
In a recent interview with Randy Spurn, the head of Bizarreville’s largest service employees union, the BSEIU, our reporter probed into his deep beliefs on capitalism vis-a-vis other economic models.
“The problem basically goes back 223 years when those crazies in Philadelphia drafted up that Declaration thing. They were all reading the radical teachings of that nutball Adam Smith, who ushered in this whole free-market, competitive structure, willy-nilly independence thing. I think Smith was probably some kind of 18th century drug kingpin, or something. You know, before that, there were rules. And there were heavies right at hand to bust some chops of any rule-breakers. Bottom line: it worked.
“And now we’re seeing the fall-out from these 223 years of party/orgy/greed. You see poor people in the ghetto who can only afford one measly flat-screen HD television, who have to buy ground chuck instead of ground round, and who must scrimp and save just to be able to afford two lousy packs of cigarettes a day. Many are cutting back weekly lottery ticket purchases to under $25/week. It’s tough out there.
“Even my people in the Union with our lousy pensions are having to wait until they’re 57 or 58 years old before they can retire. Meanwhile, they’re busting their backs working 40 hours a week with only 4 or 5 breaks during the day…then getting criticized and harassed just because they happen to enjoy occasional sluff-off time at work. Who doesn’t enjoy a little sluff time? I mean, come on.
“And it’s all because these greedy CEOs are skimming the cream. Yeah sure, they claim they work 80 hour weeks, 7-days a week, Blackberried to every little thing that happens….baaaah. They’re all a bunch of crooks taking advantage of my dear members just because they’re uneducated, unskilled, uncoordinated, and smell kinda bad. It’s discrimination, and needs to stop now.”
Shortly after the interview, Spurn was taken back to his rest home (paid for with BSEIU union dues), where he was administered his normal medications.
