bizarreville

After Northern Bizarreville government workers were forced to have to pay 5 bucks a month toward their Health Care costs, a backlash emerged in the Unionistas.  One of their leaders, former Labor secretary Rodberd Reich, was particularly miffed, and called a quick press conference.  Reich, who teaches “Marxism, Communism, and other Liberal Whackisms” at Bizarreville College for the Low SAT Scorers (BCLSS), appeared desheveled as the organizers had forgotten to bring a stool for him to stand on, so he could get his head above the podium.  A heckler in the audience made a slurring remark about shipping all midgets to Funkwater Island, and was quickly whisked away by security guards.  Several other Anti-Midgites who had created a disparaging puppet show in the rear of the audience, were also asked to leave, when laughter began to get disruptive to the business at hand.

“Friends and comrades,” Reich began, “It is time for us to climb out of our Strato-loungers, put the beer back in the fridge, and start organizing again.  This little insulting incident up north is just the tip of the iceberg…that, incidently, is melting fast due to global warming.  It’s 5 bucks now, but soon it will be 6, 7, 8…how high might it go?  10?  11?  It could happen.  And all the work that you have done…your fathers and grandfathers have done…to suck the life out of corporations and big government agencies, will be spinning down the commode and into that billion dollar 8-stage, environmentally-friendly sewage treatment plant that produces water of better quality than Perrier.  Trust me, I’ve drank both.  It’s true.”

“Organize now, before it’s too late.  Next thing you know, they’ll eliminate free parking at employee parking lots, install pay urinals, and replace the Coke products in your vending machines with generic brand colas, taste-free oranges, and Fizzies…”

At this point, one of the legs of his stool broke.  He uttered a few curse words, aimed at tall people in general.  That little rampage seemed to shock audience members, most of whom were non-midgets.  A chorus of boo’s rang out, and a few tomatoes were hurled toward Reich, all missing the Secretary, but one smacking into the podium microphone, causing it to go into a piercing feedback screech.  The infuriorated Reich hustled off stage, flipping the double bird to the now hostile audience.

“You F*#%heads better wise up and get with the bloody f*#%ing program, before it’s too f*#%ing late.  Big Brother has got your number, and is gonna stick it up your tall person a$$#oles,” he shouted while dodging additional tomato mortar-fire.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  But you already knew that.

Ben Nelson, the infamous Democratic senator from Nebraska, has been getting booed when he goes into any restaurant in his home state.  Last weekend, he was sneered at and pummeled with cold pizza by a bunch of 8-year olds when he tried to sneak into a Chuck E. Cheese for a quick dinner and game of Skee-Ball.  The day before, he was denied purchase of a large popcorn just before watching the movie Avatar from a kid behind the counter who refused to touch his soiled money.

Nelson knows he has got some bridges to unburn since his illogical decision to accept bribery to vote for the Obamacare bill.  Folks back home don’t cotton to that kind of squirrelliness.  So yesterday he announced he would join the Republican filibuster of Craig Becker, nominated by the Communists for a seat on the National Labor Relations Board.  He knows that, with Nebraska’s tradition of being a Right to Work state, the public would crucify him even further if he didn’t start giving some modicum of impression that he was representing his constituents.

Old Ben knows that Becker favors the Employee Forced Choice Act (EFCA).  This is a bill being debated in Congress, which would totally remove secret balloting for unionization, and open the doors for union thugs, creeps, and dirtbags to make workers offers ‘they can’t refuse’ to join unions.  The proposed law would also prescribe a set of anti-business rules, whackings, and penalties sure to dry up job growth…what little there is.

Ben has heard that Becker has other nutty ideas.  He has pushed for the Sleepers Rights bill, which would allow workers to konk out on the job without fear of repercussion.  “Hey, we all get tired, especially after tying one on the night before,” Becker said, speaking at the Left Wing Jumblebrain Association’s national convention, to wild cheers from the crowd.  “What’s wrong with a little shut-eye on the job?  You’ve done it, I’ve done it, we’ve all done it.  I konked out for an hour and a half on the crapper one time in 2002 after a tough night of margaritas.”  If passed, the new law would allow all workers 25 minutes in the morning and 45 minutes after lunch to doze off at full pay, plus another 30 minutes of optional sleep-time at half-pay.  Becker has said that most workers wouldn’t take all that time every day, but if they needed it, they would have it…without fear of losing their jobs.  When asked a follow-up question, an Aide had to nudge Becker to wake up.

Nelson stands by his rejection of Becker, but has said he might reconsider his vote if Harry Reid comes forward with some new sweetheart bribe for him and his family.  He has suggested that the Caribbean is nice this time of year.  Insiders say that Reid is booking him on a trip to Haiti.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty darn real.

In a recent interview with Randy Spurn, the head of Bizarreville’s largest service employees union, the BSEIU, our reporter probed into his deep beliefs on capitalism vis-a-vis other economic models.

“The problem basically goes back 223 years when those crazies in Philadelphia drafted up that Declaration thing.  They were all reading the radical teachings of that nutball Adam Smith, who ushered in this whole free-market, competitive structure, willy-nilly independence thing.  I think Smith was probably some kind of 18th century drug kingpin, or something.  You know, before that, there were rules.  And there were heavies right at hand to bust some chops of any rule-breakers.  Bottom line:  it worked.

“And now we’re seeing the fall-out from these 223 years of party/orgy/greed.  You see poor people in the ghetto who can only afford one measly flat-screen HD television, who have to buy ground chuck instead of ground round, and who must scrimp and save just to be able to afford two lousy packs of cigarettes a day.  Many are cutting back weekly lottery ticket purchases to under $25/week.  It’s tough out there.

“Even my people in the Union with our lousy pensions are having to wait until they’re 57 or 58 years old before they can retire.  Meanwhile, they’re busting their backs working 40 hours a week with only 4 or 5 breaks during the day…then getting criticized and harassed just because they happen to enjoy occasional sluff-off time at work.  Who doesn’t enjoy a little sluff time?  I mean, come on.

“And it’s all because these greedy CEOs are skimming the cream.  Yeah sure, they claim they work 80 hour weeks, 7-days a week, Blackberried to every little thing that happens….baaaah.  They’re all a bunch of crooks taking advantage of my dear members just because they’re uneducated, unskilled, uncoordinated, and smell kinda bad.  It’s discrimination, and needs to stop now.”

Shortly after the interview, Spurn was taken back to his rest home (paid for with BSEIU union dues), where he was administered his normal medications.