bizarreville

Harry “Silver tongue” Reid managed to trip over his yonk this week when he referred to fellow Senator Kirsten Gillibrand as the “hottest person in the Senate”.  Later, he clarified the statement, and apologized to anyone who misconstrued his intent.  He said that he meant “hot” in terms of someone who is full of action and energy at dreaming up new creative laws, finding new ways to get votes, and pushing through legislation using time-honored techniques.  He went on to explain in no way he meant anything sexual by the comment.

“She does not even appeal to me in any way.  I mean, other Senators…women and men…are more attractive to me personally.  But they can’t vote like she can.”

At the news conference, one reporter said, “Senator, excuse me, but with all due respect, you’re just plain lying, sir.  You are a lying a$$#*le who has lied his entire life, lied to friends, lied to family, and lied to voters to gain favors.”

Reid responded to the reporter by telling him he was a liar.  He said that he had read many of his articles, and they were all “chock full of lies, mistruths, and obnoxious exaggerations.”  When asked by the reporter to name one example, Reid replied that it would be “far easier to cite examples of times when you told the truth.  But, frankly my friend, I haven’t come across any yet.”

That seemed to shut up the reporter.  Meanwhile, Reid turned to another reporter who asked who he was favoring to win the national championship in college football.  “My money is on UNLV,” he replied.  When challenged by the reporter that the team was unlikely to reach the championship game, given their pathetic 0-3 start, Reid replied, “You’re a liar, too.  Next question?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear are real.

“Today is a BIG day in America.  Only 36 thousand people lost their jobs today, which is REALLY GOOD…”

This, of course was a brief snippet from a speech made by Harry Reid on March 5th, after seeing the most recent jobless claims data.  Many people have heard this quote and concluded that Harry is totally out of touch.  But too often sound bites can be taken out of context and misconstrued.  So, in order to better understand the meaning and emotion he was trying to convey, we present the full speech below:

“Today is a BIG day in America.  Only 36 thousand people lost their jobs today, which is REALLY GOOD.  Sure it would have been better for our Party and the Liberal/Progressive movement if the number was more like 136 thousand job losses.  But we can’t be greedy, and I ask my colleagues to take comfort that jobs are continuing to disappear, and what few are left are being swallowed up by illegal Mexicans.  Data clearly shows that more and more people are sucking on the government entitlement bosom than ever before.  Millions and millions more.  Don’t believe that 9.7 percent unemployment number.  The real number is 17 percent.  That’s right, 17 percent.  Believe it.  We’re on our way to posting 20’s.

“Right now the Senate is debating a new “Jobs” bill.  But fear not, my comrades, it’s only meant to add jobs in a parallel universe to our own…with anti-matter people drilling for anti-matter energy in dry wells.  That’s the kind of virtual jobs we will be talking about…job fiction.  But we must name it a Jobs bill to create the proper illusion and misdirection to fool the idiots out there.  We will use the buzzwords to make voters think we’re creating jobs, while at the same time using the old sleight of hand trick to dump a few trillion in cash into the bottomless abyss to do absolutely, positively no good for nobody. Presto!   Ooooh, I’m getting shivers up my leg just thinking about it!

“So do not fear.  Do not pay attention to the trash talk and mis-characterizations that suggest we are nuzzling up with Republicans, Freedom Lovers, Tea Baggers, or other Capitalistas.  Ain’t happening, won’t happen.  I know I’ve lied to you before, but you have got to believe me on this one.  I promise on a stack of Communist Manifestos that I am true to our movement.

“But we all must stay diligent to the effort to bring down capitalism.  We must all work together to push the National Debt to astronomical levels, so that the evil Financial institutions start to crumble.  We must pass more outrageous regulations and taxes to drive those nasty industrialists to bankruptcy, so we can nationalize them just like we did at GM.  People said we couldn’t take down a huge company like GM, naysayers gave us little hope…but we showed them all that it could be done.  But remember, one big filthy auto company and a couple bloated banks here and there are not enough.  There’s still huge food/beverage businesses, computer/information technology industries, and diaper businesses that are ripe for the taking….no pun intended.  So, do your part to bring them down, one by one, quarterly disappointment by quarterly disappointment, greedy bastard by greedy bastard.

“Together, we can make change…change that you and I can believe…..wait, wait…are those cameras rolling?  Oh crap…Cut!  Cut!!  Shut those  f#*%r$  off, you  A$$#*!es!!  Oh geez….

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound so real.

Congress just announced passage of a major new bill, creating a new 51st state which will be called the state of Confusion.  The name has Latin roots in meaning “a group pour”, which is very much how the new state will come into being.  Congress had originally wanted to persuade one of the existing states to donate land for this new state, but none would pop for it.  So they plan to construct the new state by filling in a small piece of the Atlantic Ocean with landfill garbage, wastewater treatment sludge, junk mail, plus all the returnable beer and soft drink containers from Michigan and other ‘enlightened’ states.  “It will be like Atlantis’ outhouse,” one senator said.

Congress announced that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will be co-presidents of Confusion, a departure from the convention of having the state’s chief executive being titled governor.  But it emphasizes how important Confusion will be in the new world order.  Both Harry and Nancy will have equal power to issue executive orders and statewide misdirection.  They will also have the power to collect tax  from any/all inhabitants, even the rodents, pigeons, and dodo birds.

Surprisingly, these Confusion appointees received overwhelming bi-partisan support.  Democrats pointed out that both leaders deserve this promotion opportunity as a reward for their brave, high-performing leadership in the past 12 months.  Republicans were enthusiastic about putting these two on a mound of  s#*!t  off our shores, in which they would be hard-pressed to find a way to turn it into a worse pile of  s#*!t.

The announcement did not indicate how to handle the difficulty of adding a 51st star to the flag, but sources say they will just put a small asterisk on one of the white stripes and call it even.

Truckloads and bargeloads of crap are already being diverted from city dumps and hazardous landfills around the country to the new Confusion-in-the-making.  Congress authorized $1 trillion for constructing the new state, but some fear it might overrun the budget.  Insiders say, “It doesn’t really matter.  After all what’s another trill or so when it comes to something this big?  A hundred years from now, who will know the difference when they’re enjoying the slip-n-slide rides at Confusion Disneyland?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

NOTICE:

Has anyone seen my grampaw Harry?  He turned up lost a while ago, after he ran away from home.  We did not feed him very well, so that’s why he may have run away.  He smells pretty bad, especially when his fur gets wet, and probably desperately needs a bath.  He doesn’t lift his leg, so he ends up going on himself each time.  We used to think he was pretty harmless, but lately he’s been known to bite.  If he starts snarling and barking, better back off before he starts chewing on you.  He’s a grizzly, ornery old goat, but we still love him and want him back.  He probably has identification on him somewhere.  If you see him, please return him before he hurts innocent people and/or does more damage.  Thank you.

The Nevada family