bizarreville

Congress just announced passage of a major new bill, creating a new 51st state which will be called the state of Confusion.  The name has Latin roots in meaning “a group pour”, which is very much how the new state will come into being.  Congress had originally wanted to persuade one of the existing states to donate land for this new state, but none would pop for it.  So they plan to construct the new state by filling in a small piece of the Atlantic Ocean with landfill garbage, wastewater treatment sludge, junk mail, plus all the returnable beer and soft drink containers from Michigan and other ‘enlightened’ states.  “It will be like Atlantis’ outhouse,” one senator said.

Congress announced that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will be co-presidents of Confusion, a departure from the convention of having the state’s chief executive being titled governor.  But it emphasizes how important Confusion will be in the new world order.  Both Harry and Nancy will have equal power to issue executive orders and statewide misdirection.  They will also have the power to collect tax  from any/all inhabitants, even the rodents, pigeons, and dodo birds.

Surprisingly, these Confusion appointees received overwhelming bi-partisan support.  Democrats pointed out that both leaders deserve this promotion opportunity as a reward for their brave, high-performing leadership in the past 12 months.  Republicans were enthusiastic about putting these two on a mound of  s#*!t  off our shores, in which they would be hard-pressed to find a way to turn it into a worse pile of  s#*!t.

The announcement did not indicate how to handle the difficulty of adding a 51st star to the flag, but sources say they will just put a small asterisk on one of the white stripes and call it even.

Truckloads and bargeloads of crap are already being diverted from city dumps and hazardous landfills around the country to the new Confusion-in-the-making.  Congress authorized $1 trillion for constructing the new state, but some fear it might overrun the budget.  Insiders say, “It doesn’t really matter.  After all what’s another trill or so when it comes to something this big?  A hundred years from now, who will know the difference when they’re enjoying the slip-n-slide rides at Confusion Disneyland?”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that sound real.

A large blast was felt by the citizens in Bizarreville’s capital yesterday, measuring over 150 decibels.  Initially, authorities thought it was a whacko terrorist bomb, but the secret service could see no tell-tale smoke or fire, nor any shifty Islamo-terrorist groups gleefully taking credit.   Scientists quickly concluded it must be a volcanic eruption, and frantically started looking for lava flow, before someone told them that there were no volcanos withing 1000 miles of here.  Numerous other theories came forth, including the possible release of a huge vein of impacted gas, or possible capitol building implosion from too much vacuum….but all were dismissed.

Finally, the investigation determined that the sound came from a resounding thump as the 2000 page Health Care bill fell off the table and hit the floor.  The boom, which quickly obtained the moniker The Nancy Ex-Pelosion, startled thousands and caused severe hearing damage to over 30 legislators.  The damage, in point of fact, could have been even more severe, except for the fact that, fortunately, over 100 legislators who were nearby indicated that they were already deaf. 

Police authorities want answers.  They want assurances that this Nancy Ex-Pelosion will not happen again, and expect sufficient counter-measures to be put in place.  They ordered that cranes and special rigging be utilized to be able to move this edifice of a bill, without risking another Nancy bomb drop, causing more injury and collateral floor damage. “High capacity fork trucks will not cut it.  We need the big cranes….the ones they use to put derailed locomotives back on the track…if that thing needs to be moved, and that’s a big ‘if’.  Frankly, it would be best for everyone if these big-shots just let it set right where it’s at.” 

When asked what if someone wants to be able to read the bill, police responded,  “Are you really willing to take that risk?”