November 3rd, 2009
The Nancy Ex-Pelosion jolts the city
A large blast was felt by the citizens in Bizarreville’s capital yesterday, measuring over 150 decibels. Initially, authorities thought it was a whacko terrorist bomb, but the secret service could see no tell-tale smoke or fire, nor any shifty Islamo-terrorist groups gleefully taking credit. Scientists quickly concluded it must be a volcanic eruption, and frantically started looking for lava flow, before someone told them that there were no volcanos withing 1000 miles of here. Numerous other theories came forth, including the possible release of a huge vein of impacted gas, or possible capitol building implosion from too much vacuum….but all were dismissed.
Finally, the investigation determined that the sound came from a resounding thump as the 2000 page Health Care bill fell off the table and hit the floor. The boom, which quickly obtained the moniker The Nancy Ex-Pelosion, startled thousands and caused severe hearing damage to over 30 legislators. The damage, in point of fact, could have been even more severe, except for the fact that, fortunately, over 100 legislators who were nearby indicated that they were already deaf.
Police authorities want answers. They want assurances that this Nancy Ex-Pelosion will not happen again, and expect sufficient counter-measures to be put in place. They ordered that cranes and special rigging be utilized to be able to move this edifice of a bill, without risking another Nancy bomb drop, causing more injury and collateral floor damage. “High capacity fork trucks will not cut it. We need the big cranes….the ones they use to put derailed locomotives back on the track…if that thing needs to be moved, and that’s a big ‘if’. Frankly, it would be best for everyone if these big-shots just let it set right where it’s at.”
When asked what if someone wants to be able to read the bill, police responded, “Are you really willing to take that risk?”
