bizarreville

We are continuing to follow the news story about Michael Moorebird’s ill-fated Commie Experience Cruise to Cuba, as well the arduous ordeals Michael has personally gone through. His story has captured the hearts, while unclenching the stomachs, of audiences throughout Bizarreville.

Michael was released from the Cuban Hospital last week after being tossed overboard by disgruntled vacationers.  But when trying to get back into the country, he discovered that he had lost his passport in the sea.  Michael was categorically denied re-entry.  He desperately tried to make contact with officials, citizens, friends, acquaintances, but no one would claim him or acknowledge him in any way…some claiming they thought he might be a Russian spy.

Meanwhile, Cuban officials, in an attempt to throw poor Michael a lifeline, offered to keep him.  In fact, there was serious talk about making Moorebird some sort of Worldwide Ambassador.  As an enticement, they were going to offer to set him up in a 2-room apartment with its own private toilet, and an office cubicle in the not-so-smelly back area of the National Office Edifice in Havana, very close to the fire escape…in other words, Cuba’s version of the Red carpet.

Michael claims he will find a way to get back into the country and back to his personal luxury estate.  But he admits his whole Commie movement has taken a severe beating recently with all this bad publicity…and he will need to regroup.  First priority may be a quick trip to Hollywood to get some sympathy and support from his fellow pinkeroos, who will most certainly rebuild his spirits and get his March to Marxism back on track.  A lavish gala, perhaps a costume party with a peasant theme (cash bar naturally) might recapture the mood.  Stay tuned.

Cuban Coast Guard authorities report that Michael Moorebird, famous socialist/marxist whacko film director and less-famous tour guide, has been rescued from the Caribbean Sea 20 miles north of Cuba.  He remains in serious but stable condition at Cuba’s El-Crudmo hospital, after taking in much salt water and being nibbled-on by a large tuna.

Mr. Moorebird, somewhat delirious, claims that his fellow tourists just threw him overboard, after they were allegedly very disenchanted with the Cuba Commie Cruise he sponsored.  “They were really torqued-off for some reason…I don’t know why.  I mean, I thought it was a great time, but some of them got pretty radical after 3 days of eating slightly stale bread and slightly off-color water…and, well, living in squalor.  I thought we were all comrades-in-arms, exploring enthusiastically this wonderful socio-economic system.  I guess I was wrong.”

Wrong indeed.  Cruise passengers reported that Moorebird lied and misrepresented the cruise as a “fun trip”, then basically scammed them out of their money.  “Fun?  It was freaking Gross-town, Filth-adelphia, Pittsburgh…oops, sorry about that.  Anyway, we tried to get our money back, but Moorebird just laughed and laughed, then said:  F$#!@ You.  Next thing I knew, he was yelping in the water.  I think he may have slipped on the wet deck and fell in…who knows?”

Moorebird says he’ll do it again, but may wait a few years.  “People just aren’t ready for it yet.  They’re not as enlightened as me.  They can’t see all the good, like I can…they just can’t see the beauty inside the filth.  It’ll just take time.”  Cuban medical people are also testing him for brain damage.

Michael has announced that the citizens of Bizarreville will be given first shot at a once-in-a-lifetime dream vacation opportunity.  It’s his first annual True Commie Experience cruise to the beautiful, haunting island of Cuba.  Tickets will go fast among the Libs, so belly-up quick and plunk some cold cash down to reserve your spot.

Michael has reserved a veritable fleet of homemade hand-crafted flatboats that will sail out of Miami next month.  These will be the same boats that hauled hundreds of Cuban refugees to America, and now need a backhaul.  Experience the undeniable thrill of sailing (or rowing) on the real high seas.  Guests who tend toward sea-sickness are advised to wear the patch, since vomit tends to attract the sharks and barracudas.

Once there, you will be greeted by a host of eager Cubans…mostly of whom are anxiously awaiting your boat’s arrival so they themselves can get out of Dodge.  You will stay at one of Havana’s nostalgic old casinos built in the 50’s, and now turned into a public housing project.  Guests will be given an upper-floor room so as to avoid much of the alley stench.  Each unit is equipped with a reasonably unmoldy couch on the balcony so that you can experience fresh non-air conditioned air.  And note that the fresh air comes from lack of any industry-belching smoke.  They are the originators of the miniscule carbon footprint, accomplished by simply tossing out all industry.  Brilliant!

Michael will lead you on a guided tour of Havana’s Black Market where Cuban cigars are packaged and shipped secretly to us by the same folks who bring the premium narcotics most of our guests enjoy at home.  The tour will then proceed to the sugar cane farms in a 1957 recently reconditioned bus, where guests will see how farming used to be done by real men wielding machetes…without the bother/hassle of mechanized contraptions.

Next day, you will get to experience something special.  Sit in on a stirring Communist Central Party committee meeting, and watch with amazement how things can get done when 80% of the members are fast asleep in their chairs.  See how a small group of super-wizards tries to decide how to run each and every aspect of the country’s economic/political system, and laugh as they trip over what color to paint the Politboro men’s room.  It’s funnier than a comedy club. 

That evening, you will be treated to an amazing culinary experience, eating the finest bread ration and drinking the most refreshing water at Havana’s best restaurant, the Bolsheviker.  And, as Michael’s special guests, all will be given a 2nd ration.  How about that?

See your vision, my vision, our vision of the Future 2020.  The place where everyone is treated Equal, no matter how hard they work or how lazy they are….where they do not judge you by arbitrary things like work ethic, gung-ho, or desire to learn or move ahead…concepts that are dying on the vine as we speak.  No, no… everyone gets their equal slice of the society pie.

After all, if the Cubans can make it work, well by gosh, so can we.

Michael Moorebird, the genius expert on World Economic systems and part-time screwball movie producer, gave a stirring speech at the Bizarreville Moose Lodge last Thursday evening.  He was also pitching his new book: Communist Manifesto, the Sequel.  “I think there’s a movie in that one.  Karl would be so proud,” he whimpered, holding back tears as he pre-pitched yet another brilliant, creative idea.

Moorebird had just returned from a short trip to his Promise Land, Cuba, where he had filed an investigative report on the superb conditions of their high-tech hospitals.  “I was so impressed that I think I’ll go down there for my upcoming colonoscopy next month.  May go ahead and have an Upper GI while I’m there.  Why not…let’s live it up!”

Cuban authorities admitted that they had loaded him up with mucho Mango Mojitos laced with triple shots of 151 Rum.  “Senor Moorebird lapped up those Mojitos, and kept asking for more, more, more.  We just about ran out of mint leaves.”  Onlookers report that Moorebird was stumbling and weaving through the hospital hallways, eventually flopping onto an open gurney…whereupon he promptly lost his lunch into a partly-full bed pan.

Moorebird has a busy speaking itinerary promoting his Anti-capitalism mantra and Adam Smith hate speech.  He realizes that any revolution starts small, so proposes to start by nationalizing the Port-a-John industry.  “Have you ever sat in one of those stinky freaking things??  No other nation in the world would put up with this pathetic level of quality.  Let’s start by nationalizing port-a-johns…we’ll call it AmCrack.”

Moorebird argued that you’d never see a nasty port-a-john in Cuba.  Opponents responded: “Yeah, but the alleys don’t smell so great.”

His next target might well be the Florist Industry where he has oft criticized how those coniving capitalists quadruple the price of fresh roses on Valentines Day.  “That kind of collusion and gouging has got to stop.  They don’t even smell that great any more.”  Later he did admit that his sense of smell might be a bit out of calibration from frequent trips to Cuban alleys.