bizarreville

In a move that will have old Tom Jefferson turning in his grave, the US government inked a deal to sell the state of Idaho to China.  The move was brought about from increasing pressure by the Chinese on the out-of-control US National debt, mostly being funded by China.  Chinese finance ministers indicated they were tired of accepting the flimsy US dollar as the sole form of asset transfer, and wanted to branch into something a tad more solid.

Negotiations had been underway for several months.  China had originally asked to buy Florida, while the US countered with New Mexico.  When one member of the Chinese due diligence delegation got bit by a sidewinder while on a New Mexico trip, they became furious.  The US delegation desperately tried to point out the rich natural beauty with amazing rock formations, but the Chinese team leader said, “It’s a freaking desert,  a$$#ole.”  Both sides finally settled on Idaho.

The decision was not without controversy.  Lobbyists for the fast food industry argued that Idaho’s potato industry is absolutely critical in the junk food supply chain.  “Without Idaho, the McDonald’s french fry that you’ve grown to love and cherish will be pooof, gone.  Better get used to the idea of ordering fried rice with your burger.”

A letter has gone out to all Idaho residents from the Chinese government stating that they will provide help and support during the transition, and allow them a full 12 months to move out of the state.  An extra 3 months will be granted for citizens who are hospitalized, debilitated, or severely handicapped.  Montana has offered assylum for the displaced Tatermongers.

One question still unresolved is whether Chinese Americans would be able to stay in Idaho.  China has proposed that they could each be interviewed, and if their belief system has not been totally brainwashed by capitalism concepts, then they would be permitted to remain in Idaho.  “But the first time they start doing any of that free speech crap, or blabber about making money, whoooosh, out they go,” the transition minister said.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones that seem pretty real.

In a shocking, unprecedented move, the City of Detroit announced its plans to move to China.  This move comes on the heels of Honda’s announcement of plans to build a new car factory in Wuhan, and similar Chinese capacity expansion announcements by BMW, Volkswagen, and Nissan.

“There are a number of details that will need to be worked out,” said former NBA player and current Detroit mayor Dave Bing.  “Starting with where to locate the city.  We’re looking for something near a big lake system fed by plenty of rivers that have adequate sewage handling capacity.  Would also prefer a location with lousy weather…you know, snow, sleet, freezing rain, gray skies…at least 11 months of the year so our citizens can acclimate quickly.”

Detroit has been under severe pressure recently with closures of factories, layoffs by the Auto companies, and the pathetic performance of the University of Michigan football team.  This has created a sense of acute pessimism that pervades the town.  But this attitude will fit well in China, where the people are already moapy, depressed, and discouraged.  And Detroiters have become so used to entitlements and free handouts that the switch to Communism should be relatively seamless, and should bring up their spirits.

Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm expressed her disappointment in the move, but said she understands the reasons and will work with the Chinese on the transition.  When asked what will replace Detroit once it vacates, she said, “Probably a landfill.”

Detroit hopes to regain the moniker of the world’s Motor City, perhaps by annexing the land that the Chinese auto plants occupy.  Chinese officials commented back on this statement, but the translation was difficult….translators said that it it was a very ancient obscenity that involves your sisters, donkeys, and various viscous fluids.

Chinese authorities say they may rename Detroit after the move to a less French-sounding name.  They have suggested the name Fugwad, which they claim means “natural process” or “beautiful flow” in Chinese.  Detroiters say they cannot find that word in any Chinese dictionary, but may accept the change to appease their new hosts.

The Chinese have said that they will take the Tigers, but will not allow Detroit to bring the Lions over.  “Maybe you can give them to the North Koreans,” said a Chinese sports minister, laughing hysterically.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fictional.  Even the ones that sound like they could be real.

The Chinese just announced that they will offer Bizarreville a newly-issued credit card to make it easier and convenient to make payments on the national debt.  As part of the package, the system will allow payments on-line from any Bizarreville Treasury computer, with a simple “Click and Doink” user-friendly method.

China has suggested, as a first step, transferring the $11 trillion (oops, just went over $12 trillion) National Debt to the card with no transfer fee.  They argue that rather than having T-bills spread across such a wide base, why not just do a bill consolidator loan into one central spot?  “Just like the poor shmuck who has a half-dozen personal loans who’s getting eaten up with minimum charges, and finally consolidates them into one huge home equity loan.  Just the sensible thing to do, right?”

The Chinese will offer low monthly minimum payment, in exchange for a slightly higher interest rate.  As a teaser, they will offer a 6.1% APR rate for the first six months, but then it will go up to 11.0% APR afterward.  Some Bizarrvillians were rebuffed initially at this high rate, but the Chinese said it was “…fixed for 20 years irregardless of any impending world financial meltdown.  In time…you’ll see.”

The Chinese are also offering a Rewards Points program with the new card.  The catalog has pages and pages of prizes, some pretty nice, but some pretty pathetic.  Lousy ones include several hundred thousand used Chinese military uniforms, and a 70’s-era Russian built “fixer-upper special” fighter jet.  Example of a good prizes include multiple-night stays at the new Macau casinos with $100 free seed gambling dollars.

Bizarreville economists probed into the details of the card, then asked that there be no prepayment penalty.  The Chinese busted out laughing uncontrollably at that notion.  After 12 minutes of this laugh-fest, the top Chinese economist said, “Sure.  No problem.”

Bizarreville leaders just got back from what they termed a “quasi-successful” diplomatic trip to China.  The trip purpose was primarily economic – to discuss the crippling trade deficit that’s reaching epic proportions, and also to try to sell them an assortment of large bridges and a lot-ful of used Chrysler LeBaron convertibles.

The Bizarreville contingent had started by suggesting the Chinese open their markets to Bizarreville goods.  But the Chinese responded “Your garbage is the best quality product you make, and we’re already buying much of that (ha, ha).  But seriously, we’re thinking about importing some of your Chinese eggrolls….yours are much tastier and crisper…must use better grease.  Might even go ahead and have you ship us the grease, too.  Yeah, take a note…one supertanker load of grease, ship it to the port of Shanghai.”

Bizarrevillians hinted that the Chi-coms might be dumping athletic footwear products in their markets, but made no outright accusation.  One Bizarreville economist chided that “You can’t sell Air Smellbom shoes in Bizarreville at cheaper prices than you sell them in your home market.”  But the Chinese responded, “Pfffft…hey, our comrade citizens don’t even buy that expensive crap, if they even buy shoes at all.”  Bizarreville leaders explained that China just needed to stop exporting so darn much stuff to them.  But Chinese suggested, “Why don’t you go back to that ‘Made in Bizarreville’ shtick you tried a few years back?  Wasn’t that WalMart that was pitching that drool?  Our guys laughed like hell during that fiasco…man, that was precious!”

Bizarreville leaders concluded that, while not much progress was made on the economic front, at least they made the Chinese leaders laugh.  “After all, laughter is a key element in building a strong diplomatic foundation for a long-term sustainable partnership.”  That statement made the Chinese laugh even more, “Ha, ha, ha…you guys really crack me up…..ha, ha, ha, ha…stop it man, I’m dying here…ho, ho, ho…Ooooh, I’m busting a gut…ha, ha, ha, ha.”

Suddenly, its seem there is a nouveaux love affair with the bizarre teachings of Mao among some of the Port tack whacks.  Mao?  Killer of millions of his own people?  That Mao?  Huh?

Turns out, it was all a big mistake.  They weren’t quoting that nutball Mao…they were quoting Delwood Mou, the old red-neck who lives down at Slobson Creek.  Yeah, that guy.  The one who once said:  “Showers?  Baths?  Who needs ’em?  What a waste of our precious water resource!”  Or who said, “The only thing those f#&@*!  deer understand comes from the barrel of a gun.”  And…”When you put the power in people’s hands…well they’ll probably just fart if off.”   And finally, “Class stuggle is a problem in society… because some people like to go to classes, and others like me like to ditch.”  That Mou.

Mou is garnering more and more followers to his profound teachings.  He wrote a book chock full of his favorite sayings, but he forgot and left the original manuscript in a public restroom at the bus station.  Next morning:  gone.  He put out a $3 reward if anyone found it, but so far, not so good.  But with all these Libs now quoting Mou, he thinks the manuscript may surface.

Mou got much of his material…the provocative sayings, philosophy, and pretzel logic…from his grandfather, Papa Hooma Mou, who was a deeply religious preacher and part-time bass singer in a funky country music quartet.  Critics called the elder Mou “off key”.  The elder Mou would often bellyache about large corporations and capitalism.  They say that he was bitter, ever since being fired from Flummox Inc. for excessive absenteeism, sleeping on the job, general laziness, and using bad language.  “No way did I ever use bad language,” Papa Hooma Mou replied.  “I was flippin’ railroaded.  And that’s the problem with big companies…they’re out to fire all their workers…constantly on the look-out for who can we fire next?  They all need to be put in jail.”

When asked if he would prefer socialism, communism, marxism, or fascism as an alternate, old Mou would answer: “Sure.”