bizarreville

The Bizarreville TV Network is proud to be piloting a new TV series next week, called The Grumpler.  Modeled after the successful “The Bachelor” program, the new series will feature the grumpiest liberal congressman.  Casting will find one who is most upset about not not getting their statist/socialist government-control agenda passed…one who is genuinely ornery and about ready to go postal over the farting around in the Obamacare passage or other feet-dragging in government takeover of the economy.

The TV series will then bring 25 hookers onto the show to find new, creative ways to cheer him up.  He will then start narrowing down the field, week by week.  But the secret to the show is that he will actually be looking for the contestant who aggravates him the most in her feeble attempt to change his surly mood.  Any pro who makes him smile or laugh, as unlikely as that seems, would most likely be ushered onto the nearest limo for her trip home.

Elmer Smudd, the Executive Producer, figures the hookers will catch on to the “secret” pretty quickly, and may soon do all they can do to piss him off.  Smudd thinks this transition will be hilarious to their target audience, comprised of men and women who think 99% of all TV programming is pure crap (pretty big target market as it turns out).  Obscenities are likely to be flying, but will all be bleeped out so as not to offend the kids who have never heard that kind of language before.

Rather than a traditional rose ceremony, the lib congressman will cut off the top of the rose and give the thorny stem to the lucky girls who will continue, and move on to next week’s challenge.  He’ll keep the top for himself.

Each week’s show will feature new intriguing venues that are disgusting, revolting, reprehensible in their own right to help create the right mood.  Boring football games on cold rainy days, PBS pledge drive studios, Chuck E. Cheese, Mount Trashmore landfills, economic debriefing rooms, and book readings at book fairs will be among the chosen destinations.

The Winner will get to become the congressman’s Top Aide until the congressman gets thrown out of office, either by election, by sheer incompetence, or by impeachment.  The losing hookers will not leave empty handed.  Each will be given a new wardrobe designed by Streetwise Sleaze of Hollywood, the leader in upscale trashiness, and a one year’s supply of Tootsie Pops.

Smudd thinks the show will be a hit.  He looks forward to casting The Grumplette for next season’s shows.

In a shocking, unprecedented move, the City of Detroit announced its plans to move to China.  This move comes on the heels of Honda’s announcement of plans to build a new car factory in Wuhan, and similar Chinese capacity expansion announcements by BMW, Volkswagen, and Nissan.

“There are a number of details that will need to be worked out,” said former NBA player and current Detroit mayor Dave Bing.  “Starting with where to locate the city.  We’re looking for something near a big lake system fed by plenty of rivers that have adequate sewage handling capacity.  Would also prefer a location with lousy weather…you know, snow, sleet, freezing rain, gray skies…at least 11 months of the year so our citizens can acclimate quickly.”

Detroit has been under severe pressure recently with closures of factories, layoffs by the Auto companies, and the pathetic performance of the University of Michigan football team.  This has created a sense of acute pessimism that pervades the town.  But this attitude will fit well in China, where the people are already moapy, depressed, and discouraged.  And Detroiters have become so used to entitlements and free handouts that the switch to Communism should be relatively seamless, and should bring up their spirits.

Michigan governor Jennifer Granholm expressed her disappointment in the move, but said she understands the reasons and will work with the Chinese on the transition.  When asked what will replace Detroit once it vacates, she said, “Probably a landfill.”

Detroit hopes to regain the moniker of the world’s Motor City, perhaps by annexing the land that the Chinese auto plants occupy.  Chinese officials commented back on this statement, but the translation was difficult….translators said that it it was a very ancient obscenity that involves your sisters, donkeys, and various viscous fluids.

Chinese authorities say they may rename Detroit after the move to a less French-sounding name.  They have suggested the name Fugwad, which they claim means “natural process” or “beautiful flow” in Chinese.  Detroiters say they cannot find that word in any Chinese dictionary, but may accept the change to appease their new hosts.

The Chinese have said that they will take the Tigers, but will not allow Detroit to bring the Lions over.  “Maybe you can give them to the North Koreans,” said a Chinese sports minister, laughing hysterically.

Disclaimer:  All stories in Bizarreville are fictional.  Even the ones that sound like they could be real.

Bizarreville’s committee has submitted its proposal to become the 2016 Olympic site.  Competition will be tough.  Chicago seems to be a front-runner, with its first-class facilities, park settings with skyline backdrop, restaurants/bars, and fun things to do.

Of course, Bizarreville has none of that.  The committee is pitching the Bizarreville bid on a cost/economics appeal, which is always a concern for the tightly managed IOC.  Bizarreville’s cost dismemberments include:

– Round up of partly rusted-out trailers, stacked on top of each other as the Olympic village. “Will almost look like one of those art-deco hotels at South Beach.” 

– Stoke a bonfire instead of the Olympic torch, full of traditional old pallets, old couches, and wood paneling from defunct basement rec rooms

– Upgrade the Bizarreville High School football field for the big track and field events with a fresh pack of real cinders instead of that artificial rubber crap.

– Use Shmefle’s pond for Aquatics.  Not much rehab necessary beyond removing a minor amount of pond scum, relocating a small frog population, and some air-freshener (or fans).

– Employ Honkers Edible Diner to cater the food, well-known for stretching a meal with creative additives and starch substitutes.

– Have some 50/50 raffles to cover expenses and create some real fun for attendees, a nice diversion from the goofy little competitions of people you’ve never heard of and will never see again.

Organizers say that the Bizarreville Olympics would cost about one-third of the cost of those primo sites, and would create a new model for Olympics of the future. Critics have called their proposal the “Junque Olympics” or the “Lame Games”, but the local committee dismisses it as Arrogance from the Arrogocracy (whatever that means).  Melvin Fermerfermer, the committee chairman, said “Running is running, jumping is jumping, diving is diving…what freaking difference does it make where you do it?”  They plan to construct temporary bleachers at the venues from a startup company called Rickety Rump… who will use older prematurely discarded stands to save money and provide a no-collapse guarantee.  Rickety would, however, take out an insurance policy with Lloyds of London, just in case the unthinkable happens.

Bizarreville plans to minimize the so-called excessive security found at previous Olympics.  The committee will ask each team to bring its own security and weaponry…a few thugs in black shades certainly wouldn’t hurt.  The concept of mutually-assured massacre is believed to be sufficient disuasion against would-be terrorists.  “The Mid-East countries may belly-ache about this policy, but we have a simple/concise answer for them, if the question should arise.”

The Bizarreville committee is confident that their 2016 bid will prevail, even though the odds seem to be stacked against them.  “Go to Vegas, and put a wad on it,” encourages Chairman Fermerfermer, puffing on a big foot-long stogey.

No good story of town life would be complete without a good old-fashoned drama series.  And Bizarreville is no different.  Well…maybe a little different.  Our first story series starts when a couple of our town’s notable bean-counters attended a CPA confab in Vegas recently.  The keynote was about tax simplification.  Remember, of course, in Bizarreville the word “simplification” would be considered either a slur or a curse word, depending on your faith.  Let’s see how our guys begin to deal with this obnoxious impending threat.  Please click on the Simpli-Tax page on the Right Sidebar ——>

The good citizens of Bizarreville dragged their weary cans into the much anticipated Town Hall meeting to discuss Odrama-care last night.  Congressman Rankeester adroitly fielded questions like an old putz juggling medicine balls with one hand tied behind his back.

Elmer Scroof asked:  “What about them so-called Death panels?” 

Rankeester replied: “I’m for them.  Let’s face it, when it’s time to go, it’s time to go.”

Scroof said: “What about you?  You had a freakin’ quad-bypass a year ago.  What if some glorified restroom attendent decided you weren’t worth 2 squirts of dog pee, and let you just have a thumper-clutcher, and pfffft….gone.  What about that, Jack?”

Rankeester replied:  “You obviously have not taken the time to be thorough before making such an uninformed comment as this.  Admit it…you farted-off reading the bill, didn’t you?  You and all your crazy nutbag lunatic friends are here just to create ficticious perversions of this fine bill, this crafted work of art.  If you had taken one lousy weekend to read the bill, you surely would have known that it does not apply to congresspeople.  Tsk, tsk.”

Then old Mrs. Shmelker blurted out: “You people are trying to ruin the health of all our grandchildren with this new program…what do you call it…McPathetic Care, of one-size fits all?  They won’t ever get any real care cuz of the long waiting lines.”

But Rankeester just laughed and snorted back: “These kids are already hard-wired to stand in endless long lines.  Just look at the lines at the Bizarro-Land theme park.  They’ll stand in line for hours just for 1 ride on the Skrote Floater roller coaster, or the Desnotter Simulator.  C’mon now.  We’ll just give old Doc Quackenheimer’s office a cool, thrill name like the Navel Jerker, and line ’em up in the cattle gates…Mooo…Mooo.   Next?

The Town Hall meeting seemed to run out of steam at that point, and all went home for their evening soaks.