bizarreville

After days and days of dodging questions about whether the famous Twitter photo was a depiction of him, Congressman Anthony Weiner finally issued a firm denial that it was his weiner in the shot.  “Let me just clear the record,” Weiner stated.  “My staff has completed a thorough investigation of this matter, and has proof beyond any shadow of a doubt that the protruding member is not mine, nor anyone in my close circle.”

Weiner refused to go on record with the specific evidence of proof, but inside sources say that the sizing was the critical determinant.  The source said there was a time in his life when he might have been that large, but his liberalness over past decades would have shrunk it by 30 to 40 percent.  Furthermore, his pathetic voting record on tough-minded spending cuts would have essentially drained all the testosterone from his body, which in turn, would have caused another 15 to 18% shrivelling.  Urological experts agree that there is no way such a flaming gutless liberal could generate or maintain that size.

Congressman Weiner continues to bristle at the jokes between the male member and his proud family surname, according to his chief of staff L. Richard Schwantz.  “He has been teased, ridiculed, jabbed, and made fun of since he was 7 years old,” Schwantz stated.  “He has endured the cackles, smirks, and spit-takes everytime his name is announced in public.  For a time in college, he tried to get everyone to pronounce with the German pronunciation “Veener”, but everyone just laughed and said, ‘Okay, Weiner Boy.'”

The congressman is expecting to be the butt of an additional round of Late Night talk show jokes with this new revelation and associated rumor of sizing deficiency.  The Main stream press, however, is expected to continue to go easy on him, since the vast majority of mainstream reporters have suffered from the same embarrassing shrinkage affliction.  Some reporters have allegedly gone as far as employing prosthetics in public appearances to disguise their issue, and are likely to be extremely sympathetic to the congressman in their ongoing coverage, and may even offer some campaigning advice.

In the meantime, the congressman has deep-sixed his Twitter account to prevent any copy-cat weiner shooters from hacking into his account.  He has also changed his Facebook user name from Weiner Face to New York Hosebag, supposedly a throwback to an old family name on his mother’s side.

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction, even the ones you would swear must be real.

The Bizarreville TV Network is proud to be piloting a new TV series next week, called The Grumpler.  Modeled after the successful “The Bachelor” program, the new series will feature the grumpiest liberal congressman.  Casting will find one who is most upset about not not getting their statist/socialist government-control agenda passed…one who is genuinely ornery and about ready to go postal over the farting around in the Obamacare passage or other feet-dragging in government takeover of the economy.

The TV series will then bring 25 hookers onto the show to find new, creative ways to cheer him up.  He will then start narrowing down the field, week by week.  But the secret to the show is that he will actually be looking for the contestant who aggravates him the most in her feeble attempt to change his surly mood.  Any pro who makes him smile or laugh, as unlikely as that seems, would most likely be ushered onto the nearest limo for her trip home.

Elmer Smudd, the Executive Producer, figures the hookers will catch on to the “secret” pretty quickly, and may soon do all they can do to piss him off.  Smudd thinks this transition will be hilarious to their target audience, comprised of men and women who think 99% of all TV programming is pure crap (pretty big target market as it turns out).  Obscenities are likely to be flying, but will all be bleeped out so as not to offend the kids who have never heard that kind of language before.

Rather than a traditional rose ceremony, the lib congressman will cut off the top of the rose and give the thorny stem to the lucky girls who will continue, and move on to next week’s challenge.  He’ll keep the top for himself.

Each week’s show will feature new intriguing venues that are disgusting, revolting, reprehensible in their own right to help create the right mood.  Boring football games on cold rainy days, PBS pledge drive studios, Chuck E. Cheese, Mount Trashmore landfills, economic debriefing rooms, and book readings at book fairs will be among the chosen destinations.

The Winner will get to become the congressman’s Top Aide until the congressman gets thrown out of office, either by election, by sheer incompetence, or by impeachment.  The losing hookers will not leave empty handed.  Each will be given a new wardrobe designed by Streetwise Sleaze of Hollywood, the leader in upscale trashiness, and a one year’s supply of Tootsie Pops.

Smudd thinks the show will be a hit.  He looks forward to casting The Grumplette for next season’s shows.