bizarreville

The Bizarreville Luge team has reported that there is no friggin’ way they are going to compete on that treacherous track that tragically took to life of a Georgian athlete.  “Even if they shave off part of Curve 16 and wall-off those steel beam headbusters, that won’t be enough,” according to a Bizarreville Luge team spokesman.

Officials say that the accident last week was no fault of the track, but was caused by human error.  The rider was identified as being too inexperienced and only ranked 44th in the world.  “Our best luger is 1044th in the world, for crissake,” said the team spokesman.  “We really don’t want to turn our team into a 6-pack of meatball sandwiches on that Chicago Stockyard Dissasembly Line.”  The spokesman went on to say that the quality of their team’s luge sleds is about one-half step above the Flexible Flyers at Walmart.  “You get one of those babies going 90 miles per hour sideways, with someone about as qualified as my grandmaw on it…you’re going to end up with Brunswick stew.”

The players are not upset at the decision.  The have indicated that they just wanted to come to the Olympics for the over-the-top festivities, trading pins with the Rooskies, and the free hot chocolate.  Team Captain Skinny Jenkins said that there’s plenty of other stuff to do, and they might go try a little ski jumping just for the hell of it.  When asked about the danger of totally inexperienced people leaping through mid-air off a mountain, Skinny said they would let their youngest teammate Mikey do it…and if he broke some bones, they might just dog-off that whole idea, and go hit Happy Hour in the Athlete’s Lounge.

But the luge sleds have now been retired, and the team may try to sell the sleds as souvenirs to some of the spend-happy Olympic fans here.  “Anybody who would pay good hard cash to watch a Curling tournament, might very well be stupid enough to buy a luge for 500 bucks.”

Disclaimer:  all stories in Bizarreville are fiction.  And, as you can see, nothing is sacred with these idiots here.

The Bizarreville Olympic team announced that it made it up to Vancouver, and members are preparing diligently for the fashion parade at the Opening Ceremony and, of course, the events themselves.  The Bizarreville team is led by Bill and Sheila Farkward, figure skating team hopefuls.  The Farkwards could be contenders for the Gold in the skating pairs competition, but they have one major problem:  They run their routines flawlessly in practice, but when they get into real competition, they nearly always take at least one frozen ass dusting at some point during their program.  So, even though they technically come in as the favorite in every meet, they end up in the cellar and go home empty-handed.

The Bizarreville skating coach has been puzzled, and had suggested that they get psychological help, and booked them an appointment.  The staff sports psychologist suggested they just try to block out the crowd and focus on the music.  The Farkwards, never at a loss for words, said “Duh…so glad we’re paying you a hundred skins for that kind of brilliant advice.  Would you like to give us a full critique on our program while you’re at it, or would that cost extra?” 

But the psych-coach buffed off the sarcasm and said “Just imagine the whole audience is naked.  That will make you laugh inside, and forget your nervousness.”  Two sets of eye rolls later, the Farkwards bid adieu to Dr. Quackbrain.

But the figure skating coach overheard this advice and decided to help the couple.  On their final practice before leaving for Vancouver, he instructed the whole coaching staff to actually drop drawers and get naked, just as the Farkwards started their program.  They did.  At that moment, Bill glanced over to the bench just as he was getting ready to execute a throw/spin move with Sheila.  He promptly lost his focus and threw Sheila head first over the boards, and crashing into the second row of stands.  She ended up with a few cuts and bruises, but believes she will still be able to compete.

Meanwhile, Bill told the coach to cram his stupid ideas and shut the  f*%# up…or he would place the blade of his skate somewhere where the Olympic Flame don’t shine.  Bill later said, “You know, suddenly I feel a lot more relaxed!”

Bizarreville’s committee has submitted its proposal to become the 2016 Olympic site.  Competition will be tough.  Chicago seems to be a front-runner, with its first-class facilities, park settings with skyline backdrop, restaurants/bars, and fun things to do.

Of course, Bizarreville has none of that.  The committee is pitching the Bizarreville bid on a cost/economics appeal, which is always a concern for the tightly managed IOC.  Bizarreville’s cost dismemberments include:

– Round up of partly rusted-out trailers, stacked on top of each other as the Olympic village. “Will almost look like one of those art-deco hotels at South Beach.” 

– Stoke a bonfire instead of the Olympic torch, full of traditional old pallets, old couches, and wood paneling from defunct basement rec rooms

– Upgrade the Bizarreville High School football field for the big track and field events with a fresh pack of real cinders instead of that artificial rubber crap.

– Use Shmefle’s pond for Aquatics.  Not much rehab necessary beyond removing a minor amount of pond scum, relocating a small frog population, and some air-freshener (or fans).

– Employ Honkers Edible Diner to cater the food, well-known for stretching a meal with creative additives and starch substitutes.

– Have some 50/50 raffles to cover expenses and create some real fun for attendees, a nice diversion from the goofy little competitions of people you’ve never heard of and will never see again.

Organizers say that the Bizarreville Olympics would cost about one-third of the cost of those primo sites, and would create a new model for Olympics of the future. Critics have called their proposal the “Junque Olympics” or the “Lame Games”, but the local committee dismisses it as Arrogance from the Arrogocracy (whatever that means).  Melvin Fermerfermer, the committee chairman, said “Running is running, jumping is jumping, diving is diving…what freaking difference does it make where you do it?”  They plan to construct temporary bleachers at the venues from a startup company called Rickety Rump… who will use older prematurely discarded stands to save money and provide a no-collapse guarantee.  Rickety would, however, take out an insurance policy with Lloyds of London, just in case the unthinkable happens.

Bizarreville plans to minimize the so-called excessive security found at previous Olympics.  The committee will ask each team to bring its own security and weaponry…a few thugs in black shades certainly wouldn’t hurt.  The concept of mutually-assured massacre is believed to be sufficient disuasion against would-be terrorists.  “The Mid-East countries may belly-ache about this policy, but we have a simple/concise answer for them, if the question should arise.”

The Bizarreville committee is confident that their 2016 bid will prevail, even though the odds seem to be stacked against them.  “Go to Vegas, and put a wad on it,” encourages Chairman Fermerfermer, puffing on a big foot-long stogey.