bizarreville

Investigative reporters have uncovered secret papers showing conclusively the Administration’s strategy to begin the process of nationalizing the dog food industry before summer.  Dog food industry analysts were surprised and perplexed by this development, and initially failed to see how their business could be likened to autos or banks in terms of attractiveness for 100% government control….why not pick on film-making, beer production, or roto-rooting?

Larry Milfner, long time dog food industry analyst and inventor of the electronic pooper scooper, was not particularly surprised.  “Dog food is a highly strategic business for the country.  If some crazy terrorist group were to infiltrate dog food manufacturing and compromise their quality systems in a major way, the nation would have to start feeding its dogs cat food.

“This would create 2 problems:  First, the cat food would totally screw up the dogs’ digestive systems, causing doggie diarrhea on a monumental scale.  Second, the cat owners would become outraged by the almost immediate dwindling of cat food availability, and the ensuing breakout of cat malnutrition.  There would be fist fights in the WalMart parking lot between dog owners and cat owners over precious cans of Fancy Feast.

“I could see a civil war developing in the country between the masses of dog lovers versus cat lovers.  There is already so much tension between these 2 sects, and this kind of incident would take it over the tipping point.  There would be brother against brother feuds, sister against sister ‘cat fights’.  It would be bloody, and would require a leader with the charisma of Abe Lincoln to bring the sides together again.  And we’ve got no Abe Lincoln in the queue, believe me.

“Nationalizing the dog food industry, and for that matter the cat food industry too, is a logical step.  The government could bring in the whole Homeland Security force to provide the added protections that would preclude this catastrophic outcome to our nation.  I applaud the Administration for having this kind of foresight to protect our society.”

Another dog food industry expert was interviewed and asked to comment on Milfner’s analysis.  He said that it was high time that everyone realized the importance of dog food in our world.

Introducing an exciting new product from your friends at Bumco Products Inc:  The “Progressive” short leash for your pooch.  It’s ideal to prevent old Rover from having too darn much freedom, and roaming through the whole yard sniffing your flowers, chasing little critters, and defecating all over tarnation.  It makes cleanup a snap.

The short leash is precisely 3 feet long and made of the sturdiest leather that will snap little Scooter’s neck if he momentarily forgets about this rein.  It comes in 6 different colors so that the dog owner can change it often to make it seem a bit different (of course, your color-blind dog will not know too much difference).  A sequined leash is available at extra cost for true style setters.

The Progressive is a bold product entry that has been extensively market tested.  Some may ask why Bumco is releasing the product when all the market research suggested it is one of the 10 stupidest ideas of all time?  The courageous leadership at Bumco World Headquarters are progressive, forward-thinkers who truly believe they are much smarter than the idiots in the research surveys and focus groups.  They plan to advertise, advertise, and then advertise a little more until people are so sick and tired of the badgering that they just go buy it.  It is certainly a bold marketing strategy that has never been successful in the history of mankind…but there is always a first time for everything, and this may just be that time.

Bumco is also in the final stages of development of an even shorter leash, measuring a mere 2 feet, 6 inches…tentatively named the “Progressive Plus”.  This product, when used with Big Dogs, will prevent them from even raising their heads up completely, but will still allow them to do normal functions like eat and piss.  Some have asked if the ultimate objective is to keep shortening until the dog’s nose is pressed up against the anchor stake…but Bumco responds, “Of course not.”

The product will initially be only offered on-line, since all the Bizarreville pet stores have expressed a reluctance to carry the Progressive line at this time.