March 21st, 2010
Dog food industry: next on docket to be nationalized
Investigative reporters have uncovered secret papers showing conclusively the Administration’s strategy to begin the process of nationalizing the dog food industry before summer. Dog food industry analysts were surprised and perplexed by this development, and initially failed to see how their business could be likened to autos or banks in terms of attractiveness for 100% government control….why not pick on film-making, beer production, or roto-rooting?
Larry Milfner, long time dog food industry analyst and inventor of the electronic pooper scooper, was not particularly surprised. “Dog food is a highly strategic business for the country. If some crazy terrorist group were to infiltrate dog food manufacturing and compromise their quality systems in a major way, the nation would have to start feeding its dogs cat food.
“This would create 2 problems: First, the cat food would totally screw up the dogs’ digestive systems, causing doggie diarrhea on a monumental scale. Second, the cat owners would become outraged by the almost immediate dwindling of cat food availability, and the ensuing breakout of cat malnutrition. There would be fist fights in the WalMart parking lot between dog owners and cat owners over precious cans of Fancy Feast.
“I could see a civil war developing in the country between the masses of dog lovers versus cat lovers. There is already so much tension between these 2 sects, and this kind of incident would take it over the tipping point. There would be brother against brother feuds, sister against sister ‘cat fights’. It would be bloody, and would require a leader with the charisma of Abe Lincoln to bring the sides together again. And we’ve got no Abe Lincoln in the queue, believe me.
“Nationalizing the dog food industry, and for that matter the cat food industry too, is a logical step. The government could bring in the whole Homeland Security force to provide the added protections that would preclude this catastrophic outcome to our nation. I applaud the Administration for having this kind of foresight to protect our society.”
Another dog food industry expert was interviewed and asked to comment on Milfner’s analysis. He said that it was high time that everyone realized the importance of dog food in our world.
