bizarreville

Bizarreville medical authorities report that Mr. Ernie Muxford is indeed the first confirmed case of hairy reed syndrome in Bizarreville.  “While this is a tragic development, particularly for the Muxford family, it is good that it was diagnosed early to prevent pandemic spreading.”

Hairy reed, as most know, is an acute condition where massive quantities of hair start growing out of literally every cavity of the body.  Normally, hair initially starts wildly growing out of the ears.  In no time, it prevents the victim from being able to hear correctly, particularly distorting the sound frequency range of the human voice.  Soon afterward, hair growth starts plugging the lower cavities, causing major backup of waste products.  This distorts the internal organs and begins poisoning the vital systems in its destructive trek through the body.

Finally, hairy reed does its most destructive damage.  The follicle spread reaches the nose, sinus, and throat which begins to cut-off oxygen supply to the brain.  The victim breathes harder and harder, but cannot pull in enough air to meet the brain’s need.  The victim gets foggy and starts losing judgment.  He may begin spouting-off angry raves of pure nonsense, and/or babbling meaningless drivel.  Often the rants will be directed at things he cares most about, but in his advanced diseased state, simply knows not what he says.  He may begin advocating destructive behavior.  It is very, very sad.

Rarely fatal, hairy reed normally does leave its victim with permanent brain damage.  There have been some rare cases of reversal, but this takes years, perhaps decades, of intense anti-reed therapy and thorough poison cleansing.

The Bizarreville Center for Disease Control warns all citizens to be aware of the signs, and particularly warns those portions of the population most susceptible.  For some odd reason, college professors are quite susceptible…but, because of their environment, usually can do very little in terms of preventive measures.  Students are warned to avoid these disease carriers when scheduling their classes…and if spotting a hairy reed-infected professor, inform authorities immediately so he/she can be hauled-off, and properly quarantined.

Bizarreville was fortunate to get its fair slice of the Economic Stimulus bill, and it will be put to good immediate use.  The Bizarreville Unemployment Compensation building was tremendously undersized and needed help.  Stimulus funds have been earmarked to expand the office capacity by a factor of 3, add 18 rows of new cattle gates, and install a high-tech number-taking system to handle the burgeoning flow of jobless applicants.

“We have jobless who are doing the carpentry work, saying it will now be much easier to collect their comp checks.  Of course, we reminded them that they aren’t eligible anymore….got a pretty good laugh out of it…ha, ha, ha ha.”

“But seriously…it’s money well spent.  It creates jobs on one hand, and truly builds for our future on the other.  We will also be adding clerks and changing management practices to allow us to handle 4 or 5 times as many jobless as we could a few years ago.  May be able to do even better once we get things rolling.  I hate to say this, but we’re hoping the Algoofco aluminum factory down the street shuts its doors so we can really test our new systems here.  My opinion:  we’ll be ready.”

The new number-taking system actually stamps the number on the applicant’s left hand when he/she comes in the door.  No more little tickets that people whine about:  “Oh, I didn’t know I had to take a ticket,” or “Oh, I lost my ticket, but I’m really number 49.” 

“That’s been frustrating, let me tell you, but now it will be:  Let me see your dang hand, “49” or whatever your number is.”

They’re going to go ahead and spruce up the office restrooms while they’re doing the rehab work.  There’s a large “Unidentified Miscellaneous” category in the funding package, and the current toilets have those old large flush tanks.  “We’ll save water and help the environment,” claims the project manager.  As a finishing touch, they plan to use some leftover cattle gates to make an organized waiting line for the women’s restroom.  “If there’s another Stimulus bill, we may be able to add a baby-changing table in both restrooms…but we’ll just have to wait and see.”

Bizarreville economists have teamed with Research botanists to successfully create a new strain of mountain ash trees which produce money leaves.  That is correct…cash, moola, hard currency blooming on the tree.  This had been a long-term stealth research project for years which had struggled to achieve success.  The original goal was to encourage more tree-planting, but later the team expanded goals to include trying to discover a renewable source of currency.  But with hard work, determination, and genetic experimentation, success has arrived.

It takes about 10 years for the tree to mature before it produces full-size green twenties, and another 5 years before fifties will fruit.  But once there, each tree can produce bushel-baskets full of fresh cash, ready for immediate spending.

It’s best to pick the cash before late autumn when bills start to shrivel, brown, fall off the trees, and rot.  Harvesting in September/October also times perfectly with the beginning of the frantic Christmas shopping season…so you can pick and shop, pick some more, shop some more.

According the the Bizarreville Tree Czar, plans are to plant these trees initially in the ghettos and other areas of economic distress.  This will allow underprivileged citizens to go out and pick some handfuls of fresh bills, then go buy nacho chips, TV’s, underwear, athletic shoes, beer, and video games…whatever needs they truly need to fill.

Eventually, the money trees will replace welfare and food stamps, and all the associated overhead with running these bloated bureaucracies.  The trees will also displace the new “Handouts for Anything/Everything” program, the “Deadbeats Cash Assistance” program, and the “Tax Breaks for Non-taxpayers” program, with a much more efficient way to distribute money. 

Economists remind us: “People who want to work a little harder and shake the tree or climb up on the branches can get a little more than those who just wait for the cash to fall off.  It’s like an incentive program…which should sorta please ardent right-wingers who believe in rewards for hard work.  But don’t worry, left-wingers, there’s really plenty for everyone.  So enjoy!”

A consortium of Bizarreville Business owners and Corporate chieftains are lobbying hard for quick passage of the Health Care bill Public Option (PO).  They are encouraging Legislators to ignore all the confusing/inconsistent polling numbers that bumble their way to gauge public opinion of the PO.  “Don’t believe the goofy numbers…trust us.  The PO will be a good thing.  It’s something we need, and need now,” cried the business people.

Pundits were quite surprised that these pillars of industry were so vocally in favor of the PO.  The talking heads asked them if they understood that they would still have the option to keep their current plans.

“Pffffft…yeah, right…you think we’re gonna hold onto our lousy high-cost cruddy program, when we have this other option?  You think we’re gonna go to our Boards and tell them we’ve got two options:  one, continue to pay out the ying-yang for this headache-inducing health plan we’ve got now, or two, punt, get out of the freaking health care business, dump the costs, and let the feds do it?  Hmmmm…let me see, tough choice, let’s study it.

“We compete globally with Yoks whose employees are already covered by government programs, Mr. Homebones.  We have had a major competitive disadvantage versus these subsidized twerps.  Guess they’re a lot smarter than us numbskulls, cuz they figured this out decades ago.

“Seriously, if we could take Health care off our Balance Sheet, how many New York minutes do you think it would take for any of us to pull the lever on our programs?  One?  Two?  Na na na na hey hey, kiss it good-bye.  Take a photo of it quick and hang it on the wall for nostalgia.”

The Legislators were asked to respond to the Business’ strong support for the PO.  But they said, “They just don’t understand.  They can keep their current Health plans.  The Public Option is just an option, one option, not the only option.  From our standpoint, we would love to see them all keep their current plans intact.”

The Consortium responded, “Yeah, okay, ha-ha…okay it’s an Option.  We will most certainly consider that, and do a proper/thorough evaluation…sure will…just before flushing our programs down the Corporate toilet….ha ha ha ha…you guys really crack me up!”

Bizarreville carmakers report that car thefts are down to a 20-year low, initially bringing about some excitement in Executive offices.  But, after further review, it became clear that pathetic design, ugly styling, and general car boringness were the biggest contributing factors to the decline.  Curiously, golf cart thefts have trended up in recent months.

The Car Thieves International Union (CTIU) agreed with the assessment.  “Yeah, dem cars are so freaking ugly, I for one would not be caught dead pilfering one,” commented the CTIU president.  The Union noted that even the stolen car parts were now harder to peddle, due to shoddy quality and lousy basic designs.  This has caused Fences to have to return the stolen merchandise for full credit.  There was even a recent case where a thief was clubbed over the head with a busted, defective tie rod from an unhappy Black Market customer who had frankly gotten fed up with poor quality goods.  “It’s becoming epidemic.  And it’s putting our entire  f#&*!$  business at risk,” cited an underground paint shop proprietor.

The insurance companies are naturally thrilled by the theft trend, and have gone on record to encourage all the car companies to go even further in adopting mediocrity, especially in car styling.  “Take that new model from Shanker Motors called the Thumb.  That car is so ugly my grammaw wouldn’t get inside.  It looks like a cross between a bratwurst and a…well…you-know-what.  But it works most of the time, and just doesn’t get stolen.  Would like to see more Thumbs out there, and other ‘Fingers’ for that matter.”  Insurers point out that this reduction in thievery will also eventually save money on insurance premiums…or at the very least, reduce the amount of the annual premium increases to the car owner…which they say is basically the same thing.

Meanwhile the car companies are just plain perplexed…but that is really nothing particularly new.  After all, they had thought they were making real cool cars, before they started realizing what was actually coming out the factory door.  “Hey, if the market wants junk, we’ll give ’em junk.  That’s something we know how to do (ha, ha),” an unnamed car exec said in jest.

Bizi Bank has been on hard times.  Of course, it all started when they made all those bad loans…millions and millions in stupid, numbskull loans approved by the Loan Board that, sadly, had that bout with marijuana addictions… what were they calling it?  Refer-pprovals, no waiting…how much do you need?  Have any nacho chips with you?

But the Board has been through rehab now and been thoroughly cleansed with hypnosis therapy, yoga, and fleet enemas.  They have been analyzed and evaluated by true loan specialists from the mob, who have given them a clean bill of health.  And they have taken a pledge to tighten back their anuses to pre-crisis level.

The fact remains that Bizi was given a $3 gazillion government bailout, footed by taxpayers, some of whom were not too happy about bailing out these dope heads.  They were especially angry when Bizi handed out honkin’ bonus checks to their fellow smoker-tokers, in a moment of “brilliant” political astuteness.  Articles in the newspaper were cruel calling Bizi leadership “Blagojevichian” in its wisdom…ouch.  Bizi fired back with an OpEd saying that the newspaper had one use, you could wipe with it…and even at that, there were a whole hell of a lot of better/softer wiping options.  Touche.

Meanwhile…citizens, already pretty unhappy with Bizi, were even more turned-off by this banter and started pulling their savings out.  Bizi had to move fast, but they knew what they had to do:  Toasters…toasters, and lots of them.  They offered a free toaster to each account who did not pull money out.  Luckily, they had still had some unspent Bailout funds remaining to be able to quickly buy a few truckloads of toasters.  Filled their whole vault with toasters where once there was cash.

It’s early to tell, but Bizi says toasters are moving fast.  Some customers have complained that the toasters are just the 2-slice kind with narrow slots that don’t do bagels…but they grab them anyway.  “We’ll give them as Christmas presents.”

The Geezer Club of Bizarreville was having its morning meeting and constitutional around the cracker barrel at the General Store, when the debate turned to troops in Afghanistan.

“I don’t think we should send any more of our fine young lads there.  Those Talibans are pure whack jobs, almost as crazy as that Floop family who live down at the Mung Pond.  Remember them? Remember when young Johnnie Floop…I think he was about 13 back then…allegedly dropped a deuce right in the City Hall fountain?  That’s when they found out that the fountain was tied into the entire water system…had to shut it all down and disinfect it.  Then some guy with a bag over his head, rumored to be his brother Dirk, streaked at that championship basketball game, tripped and fell on his you-know-what, and they had to bring out the Disinfectant team once again.  Had to postpone the whole game.  Those Floop kids just terrorized the town.” 

“Yeah, I remember those days…pretty gross bunch, them Floops. Lucky we had that Disinfectant squad.”

“Remember?  Bizarreville citizens got really flustered , and demanded action against those unadulterated dirt bags.  But that Floop family was pretty clever at dodging and weaving, denying any wrong-doing, slithering away when things got hot, covering tracks.  The authorities were puzzled until one clever citizen suggested a way to divert their jerk-ball energy into a nonsensical activity…the game of Roach Search & Destroy.  It was a perfect game for the knucklehead set…crawling around in the dirt to root out the little critters, then beating/scrunching them to a pulp.  Their household was a perfect setting for the game with crud and filth in literally every corner, attracting the game pieces by the thousands.  They created an internal competition among family members…not just for highest roach count, but also bonus points for extraordinary acts of squishmanship.  Mounted roach taxidermy on just about every wall.

“It worked.  They spent all their energy on that stupid roach game, and quit terrorizing the citizens.  Eventually had to dismantle the old Disinfectant SWAT squad due to lack of work.  So…anyway… that’s how we ought to deal with the Taliban… surreptitiously get ’em a game going that would divert their attention.  Maybe they could substitute goats or yaks or something for the roaches.”

“Pretty stupid story.  I need to hit the can.”

Michael has announced that the citizens of Bizarreville will be given first shot at a once-in-a-lifetime dream vacation opportunity.  It’s his first annual True Commie Experience cruise to the beautiful, haunting island of Cuba.  Tickets will go fast among the Libs, so belly-up quick and plunk some cold cash down to reserve your spot.

Michael has reserved a veritable fleet of homemade hand-crafted flatboats that will sail out of Miami next month.  These will be the same boats that hauled hundreds of Cuban refugees to America, and now need a backhaul.  Experience the undeniable thrill of sailing (or rowing) on the real high seas.  Guests who tend toward sea-sickness are advised to wear the patch, since vomit tends to attract the sharks and barracudas.

Once there, you will be greeted by a host of eager Cubans…mostly of whom are anxiously awaiting your boat’s arrival so they themselves can get out of Dodge.  You will stay at one of Havana’s nostalgic old casinos built in the 50’s, and now turned into a public housing project.  Guests will be given an upper-floor room so as to avoid much of the alley stench.  Each unit is equipped with a reasonably unmoldy couch on the balcony so that you can experience fresh non-air conditioned air.  And note that the fresh air comes from lack of any industry-belching smoke.  They are the originators of the miniscule carbon footprint, accomplished by simply tossing out all industry.  Brilliant!

Michael will lead you on a guided tour of Havana’s Black Market where Cuban cigars are packaged and shipped secretly to us by the same folks who bring the premium narcotics most of our guests enjoy at home.  The tour will then proceed to the sugar cane farms in a 1957 recently reconditioned bus, where guests will see how farming used to be done by real men wielding machetes…without the bother/hassle of mechanized contraptions.

Next day, you will get to experience something special.  Sit in on a stirring Communist Central Party committee meeting, and watch with amazement how things can get done when 80% of the members are fast asleep in their chairs.  See how a small group of super-wizards tries to decide how to run each and every aspect of the country’s economic/political system, and laugh as they trip over what color to paint the Politboro men’s room.  It’s funnier than a comedy club. 

That evening, you will be treated to an amazing culinary experience, eating the finest bread ration and drinking the most refreshing water at Havana’s best restaurant, the Bolsheviker.  And, as Michael’s special guests, all will be given a 2nd ration.  How about that?

See your vision, my vision, our vision of the Future 2020.  The place where everyone is treated Equal, no matter how hard they work or how lazy they are….where they do not judge you by arbitrary things like work ethic, gung-ho, or desire to learn or move ahead…concepts that are dying on the vine as we speak.  No, no… everyone gets their equal slice of the society pie.

After all, if the Cubans can make it work, well by gosh, so can we.

Click over to the Simpli-tax series to see the newest update as our intrepid CPAs try to get to the Capital to stop the ornery Simplified tax legislation.

Bizarreville elders have been following in earnest the goofy media flap regarding Rush Limbaugh trying to buy the St. Louis Rams NFL franchise.  The hot rumor was that the Owners would object to the buy because his cash was simply not green enough.

The Elders are going to try and recruit Rush to buy the Bizarreville Skunksprays football team.  “He would have been a mere minority owner in St. Lous, but would be a big-time solo owner here,” said Frank Spankhard, the current owner.  “He could buy the whole kit and kaboodle for a buck 2.80, and I’d even throw in an autographed picture of Herm Spurple, the Pro Bowl water bucket boy.”

The Skunksprays team value continues to diminish with its mounting loss record, now 0-7 for the year, and projections of another winless season.  Spankhard has considered just dismantling the team and walking away, but the League Board would not permit it.  In fact, just because he had the temerity to even suggest such a concept, they took away from him one 2nd round and one 5th round pick for the 2010 draft as a sanction penalty.  They also warned any further lip would cost him a 1st rounder.  Team management shrugged, smirked, and uttered a collective “Whatever”.

The Bizarreville Elders feel that Limbaugh could come in and revitalize the disgusting Skunkspray franchise.  He may be willing to pay (dare we say) market prices to get some non-pathetic un-bums.  Might even try to hire a coaching staff from somewhere other than Lame Brain Refrigerator College.  “Sure would be different having someone who actually knows how to attract an audience,” commented an arbitrary person off the street.

Opponents have responded: “Sure, maybe at first he might shell out dough.  But he’ll quickly realize that he’s paid a king’s ransom, and the team still sucks.”  When asked to serve up an alternative, a better idea, or any suggestion, the opponents just belched.

The elders have been calling the Limbaugh program all week, but haven’t gotten through.

Bizarreville leaders have continued to look for new/better ways to prevent the rascally public from reading and learning about upcoming legislation.  It’s been a challenge.  In spite of their sophisticated efforts to keep it all under wraps, information somehow has kept leaking out of cracks and crevices, as sneaky as a dutch oven at midnight.

A while back, Leaders had a brainstorm…they would write the bills in a foreign language.  Brilliant?  Not so… unfortunately, stupidly, they managed to pick simple-to-translate languages like Bosnian, Czech, or Mandarin, and in nano-seconds the translations were readily available on the web.  They tried a variety of security schemes, including using paper that would start smoldering the minute it was exposed to fresh air…even faster if the air was stale.  Still, the Underground found out that a natural, organic yellowish fluid would quickly extinguish the fire, and were able to foil that attempt.

But now they truly believe they’ve got it.  One nerdly staffer, recently uncloseted, discovered a unique ancient strand of Egyptian hieroglyphics, and wrote the current “Cap and Hoopskirt” bill in this obscure signology.  So far, no one has been able to crack it.  It’s premature, but there are some pre-celebrations happening in the hallowed halls.

Leaders are happy and relieved that their hard work of concocting convoluted, self-grandizing, earmark-loaded slimy bills will not be subject to a lot of cry-baby, hand-wringing, mamby-pamby scrutiny.  They feel that the whole “light of day” mumbo-jumbo is, and always has been, overrated…plus it undermines the critically important process of back-scratching, butt-kissing quid pro quo which defines how things work in this town.

Special security has been arranged for the Nerdball who discovered the ancient hieroglyphics.  He has been disguised by dressing him in a polo shirt, khakis, and dock shoes, taking away his well-worn leather briefcase and giving him a Blackberry…no one will ever suspect.

Michael Moorebird, the genius expert on World Economic systems and part-time screwball movie producer, gave a stirring speech at the Bizarreville Moose Lodge last Thursday evening.  He was also pitching his new book: Communist Manifesto, the Sequel.  “I think there’s a movie in that one.  Karl would be so proud,” he whimpered, holding back tears as he pre-pitched yet another brilliant, creative idea.

Moorebird had just returned from a short trip to his Promise Land, Cuba, where he had filed an investigative report on the superb conditions of their high-tech hospitals.  “I was so impressed that I think I’ll go down there for my upcoming colonoscopy next month.  May go ahead and have an Upper GI while I’m there.  Why not…let’s live it up!”

Cuban authorities admitted that they had loaded him up with mucho Mango Mojitos laced with triple shots of 151 Rum.  “Senor Moorebird lapped up those Mojitos, and kept asking for more, more, more.  We just about ran out of mint leaves.”  Onlookers report that Moorebird was stumbling and weaving through the hospital hallways, eventually flopping onto an open gurney…whereupon he promptly lost his lunch into a partly-full bed pan.

Moorebird has a busy speaking itinerary promoting his Anti-capitalism mantra and Adam Smith hate speech.  He realizes that any revolution starts small, so proposes to start by nationalizing the Port-a-John industry.  “Have you ever sat in one of those stinky freaking things??  No other nation in the world would put up with this pathetic level of quality.  Let’s start by nationalizing port-a-johns…we’ll call it AmCrack.”

Moorebird argued that you’d never see a nasty port-a-john in Cuba.  Opponents responded: “Yeah, but the alleys don’t smell so great.”

His next target might well be the Florist Industry where he has oft criticized how those coniving capitalists quadruple the price of fresh roses on Valentines Day.  “That kind of collusion and gouging has got to stop.  They don’t even smell that great any more.”  Later he did admit that his sense of smell might be a bit out of calibration from frequent trips to Cuban alleys.