bizarreville

Executives with Bank of Bizarreville (BoB) announced Friday that they will be paying off their $40 billion government Bail-out loan early, probably within the next 2 months.  This news shocked the Bizarreville financial community so much that many accountants had to remove their green eyeshades to wipe their brow. 

BoB is hitting this hard, not messing around.  Some of BoB bank managers, in fact, had to work past their normal 3pm quitting time, in some cases cancelling tee-off times, and in one highly unusual case, showing up late for the family dinner.  “We’re in extreme times and that calls for extreme actions,” stated one Bank VP.  “Our entire team is pulling together, shortening lunch breaks to 1 hour, cutting morning and afternoon coffee breaks down to 15 minutes, and putting a time clock at the restroom doors.”  The VP had a tear in his eye as he spoke of the pride he had in his guys, and said he would probably double the bonuses that the managers received last year to show the company’s appreciation.

The Bank is not out of the woods yet.  They will issue a new stock offering to allow the debt repayment within the next 5 weeks.  Current shareholders are up in arms, since this action would cause major dilution and likely drop the share price 50 percent.  “What are they bellyaching about,” asked a Bank VP.  “The stock was selling 80% lower than current price six months ago.  They’ll still be up over 30 percentage points.  C’mon now.  I guess they’re just a bunch of greedy bastards.”

Top Execs of bailed-out firms have filed a grievance with the Bizarreville Dept of Labor over recent government-induced CEO pay cuts.  A second grievance was filed over bonus cuts, and a third grievance over perq cuts.

The final straw was reached when the CEO of Flummox Inc. was told he had to get rid of his company-paid chauffeur and associated stretch-Hummer limousine.  “Now how am I supposed to get to work?  Walk?  Hitchhike??  Ride the bus???”

He has been on a frustration rage for months ever since the Federal Perq Czar stormed the Flummox main office, and padlocked the executive restroom.  The CEO, Mr. Smellman, was forced to walk down a fairly long hallway, down to the regular employee restroom, and go next to the common employees of the firm.  Reportedly Smellman went ahead and used the Handicap stall for privacy and extra space, forcing Mervin Shelfer – a true handicapped person –  to have to wait about 10 minutes, holding it in.  Shelfer exclaimed, “Let him have his john back, for crying out loud.”

Other Bizarreville execs have been similarly throttled, and are mad as hell.  “What’s next…our personal stationary and private secretaries?  This is ridiculous…next thing you know, they’ll start shutting down our regional conference centers in the Poconos and the Ozarks.  You know, those areas are incredibly over-populated with deer, birds, and fish…has anybody thought of that?  Has anybody thought about the unintended consequences when you start shutting lodges…I mean, conference centers down?  Does anybody care about those poor animals?  I can answer you that….NO.”

Another exec chimed in:  “How are we supposed to entertain our customers now?  I just heard they’re not even allowing us to have our Customer Appreciation Golf Fests anymore.  Zip, gone.  What’s next…cancelling our 3-day customer sales events at Tahoe?  C’mon, give me a break.  Who’s going to answer the phone when those customers start screaming ‘where’s my Vegas trip’…the Perq Czar?  I don’t think so.”

The Dept of Labor informed the execs that, unfortunately, there is actually no legal process for them to file their grievances, nor get any kind of restitution.  The Dept did agree to accept the grievance letters, and put them in a file under Miscellaneous/Other.

Bizi Bank has been on hard times.  Of course, it all started when they made all those bad loans…millions and millions in stupid, numbskull loans approved by the Loan Board that, sadly, had that bout with marijuana addictions… what were they calling it?  Refer-pprovals, no waiting…how much do you need?  Have any nacho chips with you?

But the Board has been through rehab now and been thoroughly cleansed with hypnosis therapy, yoga, and fleet enemas.  They have been analyzed and evaluated by true loan specialists from the mob, who have given them a clean bill of health.  And they have taken a pledge to tighten back their anuses to pre-crisis level.

The fact remains that Bizi was given a $3 gazillion government bailout, footed by taxpayers, some of whom were not too happy about bailing out these dope heads.  They were especially angry when Bizi handed out honkin’ bonus checks to their fellow smoker-tokers, in a moment of “brilliant” political astuteness.  Articles in the newspaper were cruel calling Bizi leadership “Blagojevichian” in its wisdom…ouch.  Bizi fired back with an OpEd saying that the newspaper had one use, you could wipe with it…and even at that, there were a whole hell of a lot of better/softer wiping options.  Touche.

Meanwhile…citizens, already pretty unhappy with Bizi, were even more turned-off by this banter and started pulling their savings out.  Bizi had to move fast, but they knew what they had to do:  Toasters…toasters, and lots of them.  They offered a free toaster to each account who did not pull money out.  Luckily, they had still had some unspent Bailout funds remaining to be able to quickly buy a few truckloads of toasters.  Filled their whole vault with toasters where once there was cash.

It’s early to tell, but Bizi says toasters are moving fast.  Some customers have complained that the toasters are just the 2-slice kind with narrow slots that don’t do bagels…but they grab them anyway.  “We’ll give them as Christmas presents.”