October 20th, 2009
Car thefts are down to 20-year low – ugly/boring designs sited as major contributing factor
Bizarreville carmakers report that car thefts are down to a 20-year low, initially bringing about some excitement in Executive offices. But, after further review, it became clear that pathetic design, ugly styling, and general car boringness were the biggest contributing factors to the decline. Curiously, golf cart thefts have trended up in recent months.
The Car Thieves International Union (CTIU) agreed with the assessment. “Yeah, dem cars are so freaking ugly, I for one would not be caught dead pilfering one,” commented the CTIU president. The Union noted that even the stolen car parts were now harder to peddle, due to shoddy quality and lousy basic designs. This has caused Fences to have to return the stolen merchandise for full credit. There was even a recent case where a thief was clubbed over the head with a busted, defective tie rod from an unhappy Black Market customer who had frankly gotten fed up with poor quality goods. “It’s becoming epidemic. And it’s putting our entire f#&*!$ business at risk,” cited an underground paint shop proprietor.
The insurance companies are naturally thrilled by the theft trend, and have gone on record to encourage all the car companies to go even further in adopting mediocrity, especially in car styling. “Take that new model from Shanker Motors called the Thumb. That car is so ugly my grammaw wouldn’t get inside. It looks like a cross between a bratwurst and a…well…you-know-what. But it works most of the time, and just doesn’t get stolen. Would like to see more Thumbs out there, and other ‘Fingers’ for that matter.” Insurers point out that this reduction in thievery will also eventually save money on insurance premiums…or at the very least, reduce the amount of the annual premium increases to the car owner…which they say is basically the same thing.
Meanwhile the car companies are just plain perplexed…but that is really nothing particularly new. After all, they had thought they were making real cool cars, before they started realizing what was actually coming out the factory door. “Hey, if the market wants junk, we’ll give ’em junk. That’s something we know how to do (ha, ha),” an unnamed car exec said in jest.
